The Guy Spot - Does my ass look fat?
Welcome to another edition of The Regular Guy. This week we are lucky to hear another bit of useless male perspective from our Guest Guy - Glen. Let's see if he is able to shatter our belief that men, well, that they're just not that smart. Take it away, Guest Guy.
This week Glen tackles the eternal question asked by women. You might find his answer surprising...
‘Does my ass look big in this?'
(Oh good lord no - not that one, why me? Couldn't this have gone to the American Guy?)
"You look lovely sweetheart."
"You look great."
"Your arse looks fantastic love, but are you sure those skinny jeans suit your fat ankles?"
"WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?"
The crux of the problem with this question is that you have already answered it in your own head. However, the answer you have worked out yourself is the exact one you don't like, so that leaves me absolutely no possible right thing to say. If I get the answer right then I'm in trouble, but then any opinion of my own would be just plain wrong.
This is why we look so frightened when you ask us this, ladies. We know that we have just walked into a minefield without a map. So, as I am currently sitting at a safe distance from my wife's death stare, I shall let you in on a couple of secrets.
Firstly, if you are trying to squeeze your ass into a pair of leggings or skinny jeans and you don't happen to have Adobe Photoshop to hand, then yes it probably does.
Those trousers aren't designed for real women. They were only made in your size for a laugh. You were never supposed to actually buy them! Skinny jeans were designed for special women who live on special diets of only special lettuce. If you can remember the last time you ate a burger then for Christ's sake take them off.
Secondly, and perhaps most importantly - NO, actually it doesn't. It never does. You don't believe us when we say it, but do you know what?
You have a great ass!
We don't actually work on size basis*; it's all about the shape, all about the woman in front of it. Whether it's technically big or small matters not. When you slip into some new outfit and wiggle your backside at us for close examination, all we want to do is give it a squeeze. While we are looking we are thinking, "That bum is looking good - I wonder if it fancies getting into bed with me". But we can't say that because you have your serious face on, and because we are probably already twenty minutes late for the theatre.
Be confident in your backsides ladies. All shapes, all sizes* - we love them. You are your own worst critics; if you don't feel comfortable then don't wear it, but if you ask me - you are looking lovely.
*Okay, play fair - there are limits.