Feb 17

Banished to Pinterest Purgatory

Comments (59) by Debra Cole February 17, 2014 - 7:01 AM

I know I am good at some things—spelling, for instance. I'm really good at spelling. M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I. I'm similarly excellent at petting my dog. Also: drinking mango lassis. I bet I would beat anyone at a mango lassi chugging contest.

But when it comes to Pinterest, I am worse than bad. In fact, my overwhelming emotion when browsing Pinterest is . . . confusion. Why? What on this good Earth would compel someone to layer a mini marshmallow, strawberry, banana slice and grape on a toothpick to make Grinch Kebobs? And then photograph it?

This kind of sacrilegious thinking is why I belong in Pinterest Purgatory, where the craftless souls wander around making straight lines with a wooden ruler. Think I'm exaggerating? Tell me, would you want this person mangling any of your "easy peasy" crafts or recipes?

1. The other day I sliced skin off my thumb pad with a peeler and it got mixed into the pile of sweet potato skins, which were thankfully going into the trash.

2. I once burned cupcakes from a mix and tried to pass the tops off as cookies.

3. I make my husband shuck the corn because the stringy husk reminds me too much of spiders.

4. My idea of doing arts and crafts with my child is coloring in a store-bought coloring book.

5. I did not even bother buying a pumpkin to carve last year because it seemed like more trouble than it was worth.

6. I am a repeat offender at the Department of Involuntary Plant-Slaughter. RIP, Zoe the Ficus—you didn't even last one day.

7. Instead of changing the water in a vase of fresh flowers, I scowl at it day after day as it becomes murkier and fouler, and then I snap at the person who got them for me my husband to throw the flowers away because I can't handle the stench.

8. I do not understand why I should bake a cake for my son's birthday when there are amazing experts who specialize in such shenanigans a few blocks away.

9. I once won a Chia Pet at a white trash Christmas costume party (first prize!) and I could not get one sprout to grow.

10. I do not follow recipes. Ever. For a minute, I considered substituting paprika for punctuation in this post.

I should be banned, right? See, I told you.

So the next time you see me wandering around the aisles of Party City with my smartphone in one hand and an assortment of useless crap in the other, please, for the love of all that is holy, dry my tears and point me out the door. The liminal souls of Pinterest Purgatory simply can't be trusted with crafts.

 

 

Debra Cole of Urban Moo Cow and In The Powder RoomDebra Cole is a writer and blogger who lives in Brooklyn with a patient husband, an impatient toddler and a sweet but neurotic corgi. You can find her at her blog, Urban Moo Cow, a place for thoughtful analysis of modern parenting - with a side of humor. Feel free to check out her pathetic Pinterest boards or follow her on Facebook, Twitter, G+ and LinkedIn.

 

 

 

 

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by Debra Cole February 17, 2014 - 7:01 AM

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Comments (59)

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  • Report Tue Apr 15, 2014 - 6:03 am
    new launch at kallang
    Reply Delete
  • Report Thu Feb 20, 2014 - 4:53 pm
    OMG, I didn't buy a pumpkin last year either!! And I definitely feel like store bought coloring books are totally crafty...sometimes tearing out those sheets can even give you a paper cut! Crafting is hard man! ;)-Ashley
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Debra Cole on Sun Feb 23, 2014 at 6:36 pm
  • Report Sun Feb 23, 2014 - 6:36 pm
    @thedoseofreality: LOL. I have totally gotten papercuts from coloring books. Serious occupational hazard!
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Feb 18, 2014 - 2:21 pm
    You'd be surprised how many bloggers use paprika instead of punctuation.
    Reply Delete
  • 3 replies, Last reply by Leslie Marinelli on Thu Feb 20, 2014 at 8:31 pm
  • Report Tue Feb 18, 2014 - 3:57 pm
    @Leslie Marinelli: What about peppercorns? Regular pepper? Popcorn?
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Feb 18, 2014 - 9:53 pm
    @Leslie Marinelli: Oooh, snap! ;)
    Reply Delete
  • Report Thu Feb 20, 2014 - 8:31 pm
    @Stephanie Sprenger: I know, right? Occupational hazard. I can't help it.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Feb 19, 2014 - 6:05 am
    by  P
    I think I read this article the way you look at Pinterest? I mean, I make wild kitchen/craft errors pretty much every day, but I harbor many Pinterest-borne aspirations. Although for the record, Grinch-kabobs are not among them.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Debra Cole on Wed Feb 19, 2014 at 8:58 pm
  • Report Wed Feb 19, 2014 - 8:58 pm
    @P: I feel like you are somehow disappointed in me?
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Feb 18, 2014 - 5:16 pm
    by  Natalie
    Pinterest's tagline should be "Pinterest: It's Not for Everyone." ;)
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Debra Cole on Tue Feb 18, 2014 at 10:32 pm
  • Report Tue Feb 18, 2014 - 10:32 pm
    @Natalie: Indeed...
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Feb 18, 2014 - 5:53 pm
    I do the exact same thing with flowers! And I wonder why Captain won't buy them for me more often...
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Debra Cole on Tue Feb 18, 2014 at 10:31 pm
  • Report Tue Feb 18, 2014 - 10:31 pm
    @Domestic Pirate: My husband has completely given up and now only buys me chocolate, which is what I want anyway. Boo-ya!
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Feb 18, 2014 - 6:00 pm
    I knew I loved you!! I'm a complete Pinterest failure, nice to know I"m in good company!
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Debra Cole on Tue Feb 18, 2014 at 10:31 pm
  • Report Tue Feb 18, 2014 - 10:31 pm
    @Kathy Radigan: I mean, when your car gives you the middle finger...
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Feb 18, 2014 - 6:19 pm
    Paprika for punctuation...delicious. From me (someone who had posted about duct taping road side refuse together) to you, I say: Are you sure you don't want to pin a tutorial on how to chug mango lassis? Nice to see you on ITPR Debra!
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Debra Cole on Tue Feb 18, 2014 at 10:31 pm
  • Report Tue Feb 18, 2014 - 10:31 pm
    @Carisa Miller: I wonder if you're right. Although the dairy contents of a mango lassi might make it hard to chug more than 12. For me, anyway.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Feb 18, 2014 - 6:42 pm
    Pinterest makes me feel inferior every single time I browse cute pictures or desserts...or anything. I feel you, woman.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Debra Cole on Tue Feb 18, 2014 at 10:30 pm
  • Report Tue Feb 18, 2014 - 10:30 pm
    @SJankowski: I don't even feel inferior. Just confused.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Feb 18, 2014 - 7:42 pm
    This is hilariously written, and it sounds SO MUCH like me, except I couldn't have written it this well. I messed up "Easy Oatmeal Cookies" this weekend. They had a whopping SIX ingredients, and I've made them a hundred times before. This time? I added baking SODA instead of baking powder. SMH. Thanks for letting us all know it's not just us!
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Debra Cole on Tue Feb 18, 2014 at 10:30 pm
  • Report Tue Feb 18, 2014 - 10:30 pm
    @Joy Christi: I don't know if you saw the post about "lentils" on my blog but I specifically reference that snafu. Been there, sister.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Feb 18, 2014 - 8:10 pm
    I am the poster child for "Pinterest Purgatory!" Love seeing you ITPR!
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Debra Cole on Tue Feb 18, 2014 at 10:30 pm
  • Report Tue Feb 18, 2014 - 10:30 pm
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Feb 18, 2014 - 8:48 pm
    I am so with you! I have burned water -- twice. I do not deserve Pinterest. (hangs head in shame.)
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Debra Cole on Tue Feb 18, 2014 at 10:29 pm
  • Report Tue Feb 18, 2014 - 10:29 pm
    @Norine of Science of Parenthood: Wow. I'm not sure I've burned water. You might win!
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Feb 18, 2014 - 9:52 pm
    Fellow Pinterest failures, unite! You're speaking my language, sister. I suck at both crafts and baking, which is why Pinterest and I aren't really friends. Only when I happen to find a good slow-cooker chicken soup recipe, then I pretend I'm one of them. Shhh. Don't tell.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Debra Cole on Tue Feb 18, 2014 at 10:29 pm
  • Report Tue Feb 18, 2014 - 10:29 pm
    @Stephanie Sprenger: I got all ambitious and bought a slow cooker. Then I made a disgusting brisket and never. again.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Mon Feb 17, 2014 - 8:54 pm
    by  Debbie
    Well, just remember for all the beautiful photos on Pinterest, there were equal amounts of failures that just aren't mentioned. I'm going to remember the burnt cupcake toppers passed of as cookies. Hilarious!
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Debra Cole on Tue Feb 18, 2014 at 4:01 pm
  • Report Tue Feb 18, 2014 - 4:01 pm
    @Debbie: This is a good point. It's like facebook bragging on steroids then?
    Reply Delete
  • Report Mon Feb 17, 2014 - 10:33 pm
    by  Tamara
    So...do thumb pads grow back?? And I'm with you, 100%.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Debra Cole on Tue Feb 18, 2014 at 4:00 pm
  • Report Tue Feb 18, 2014 - 4:00 pm
    @Tamara: Yes! I'm here to tell you that yes, yes they do.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Mon Feb 17, 2014 - 11:39 pm
    OMG this is beyond hilarious, Deb!! I think my favorite is that you burned cupcakes and then tried to pass the tops off as cookies. I'm totally with you though. Except, I have NEVER ever ever made cupcakes or a cake. Ever. That's a true story. I can buy that sh#t at the store. I love this!!
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Debra Cole on Tue Feb 18, 2014 at 4:00 pm
  • Report Tue Feb 18, 2014 - 4:00 pm
    @Kristi Campbell: Ha! I used to make cheesecake but that requires less measuring of ingredients and more just stirring sugar and cream cheese in a bowl.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Mon Feb 17, 2014 - 11:50 pm
    by  Rachel
    Hilarious! If you were able to sell cupcake mix as cookies, I actually think there is a place for that on Pinterest! Or...maybe, you should stick to spelling! I'm not really sure which! Great post!
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Debra Cole on Tue Feb 18, 2014 at 4:00 pm
  • Report Tue Feb 18, 2014 - 4:00 pm
    @Rachel: There would be! If I had succeeded.... ;-)
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Feb 18, 2014 - 12:02 am
    by  Allison
    Ok, first off, #2 is hysterical but kind of brilliant! And secondly, Chia Pets never sprout. What a rip off (and can I please come to that party next time?).
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Debra Cole on Tue Feb 18, 2014 at 3:59 pm
  • Report Tue Feb 18, 2014 - 3:59 pm
    @Allison: RIGHT? I'm so glad you said that because I felt like such an asshole. And, sadly, once my friend got in a serious relationship he stopped having those parties. I actually won TWICE though. The next year they gave me second prize so I didn't hog up all the Chia pets.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Feb 18, 2014 - 1:14 am
    by  ilene
    You want to hear something funny? Pinterest is my new love. And I'm "really good at spelling and really bad at keeping plants alive" too! I think what I like about is that I can save things and refer to them later. Receipes. Now, I stress these are BASIC recipes with 4 ingredients and nothing that requires toothpicks. And books. and great quotes and a few yoga-type things. But anything intricate or gorgeous, not for me. and I LOVE your Feminist selfe in this post. Just love it.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Debra Cole on Tue Feb 18, 2014 at 3:58 pm
  • Report Tue Feb 18, 2014 - 3:58 pm
    @ilene: I get why people like pinterest. People without seven thumbs and three index fingers. I'm just not one of them. Alas. ;-)
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Feb 18, 2014 - 3:46 am
    Is it ironic that I just pinned this post to Pinterest? I can't keep anything alive that can't tell me it's hungry or thirsty. Thank goodness my kids and pets can make noise. This.was.awesome!
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Debra Cole on Tue Feb 18, 2014 at 3:57 pm
  • Report Tue Feb 18, 2014 - 3:57 pm
    @Sarah Almond: That's a really good way to categorize it. I feel like my plants would be so much better off if they could cry out loud.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Feb 18, 2014 - 5:23 am
    I'm with you all the way!
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Debra Cole on Tue Feb 18, 2014 at 3:57 pm
  • Report Tue Feb 18, 2014 - 3:57 pm
    @Janie Emaus: Woot!
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Feb 18, 2014 - 3:06 pm
    by  Diane
    Maybe the likes of you and me could belong to Puntrest, where puns are king. Or Sintrest. No, we won't go there . . .
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Debra Cole on Tue Feb 18, 2014 at 3:56 pm
  • Report Tue Feb 18, 2014 - 3:56 pm
    @Diane: Lol. I heart you, Diane. Yes, please. On either. Or both.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Mon Feb 17, 2014 - 1:39 pm
    by  lhewitt
    Hey Debra, I was ready to give my standard "don't be hating on Pinterest" rants, but, after looking at your boards, I'll just bless your heart, and read your blog.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Debra Cole on Mon Feb 17, 2014 at 8:28 pm
  • Report Mon Feb 17, 2014 - 8:28 pm
    @lhewitt: LMAO. Best comment so far. See? I wouldn't lead you astray, would I?
    Reply Delete
  • Report Mon Feb 17, 2014 - 3:02 pm
    by  Liz
    OMG, yes! And thank you. I am a Pinterest loser. Slicing and burning fingers, yes. Craft-averse. And I even killed a cactus. The cornsilk fear is hilarious. Is there an official phobia for that? There should be.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Debra Cole on Mon Feb 17, 2014 at 8:27 pm
  • Report Mon Feb 17, 2014 - 8:27 pm
    @Liz: The funny thing is I didn't even KNOW it was called that. I'm just all like -- ack! stringy! you do it! ;-) Tastes better when daddy cooks it anyway.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Mon Feb 17, 2014 - 3:33 pm
    by  Kimberly
    Oh Pinterest has a way with making me feel like I'm failing as a human being. However, I do follow recipes to a T and they actually come out really well. They give me tons of ideas to do all of the things, but really, ain't no body got time for making coffee grinds into a sweater
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Debra Cole on Mon Feb 17, 2014 at 8:26 pm
  • Report Mon Feb 17, 2014 - 8:26 pm
    @Kimberly: Omg. Please tell me you made that last thing up...
    Reply Delete
  • Report Mon Feb 17, 2014 - 3:50 pm
    by  Sarah
    I hear you on #8… I like the posts about books on Pinterest. But I am not at all crafty, so I have not yet partaken of the pInterest kook-aid.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Debra Cole on Mon Feb 17, 2014 at 8:26 pm
  • Report Mon Feb 17, 2014 - 8:26 pm
    @Sarah: Kook-aid. haha!
    Reply Delete
  • Report Mon Feb 17, 2014 - 5:58 pm
    Shockingly, I've sort of gotten into using pinterest as a cookbook. I do like to cook, but all the other stuff on Pinterest, particularly crafts, are never going to happen for me. Ever.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Debra Cole on Mon Feb 17, 2014 at 8:26 pm
  • Report Mon Feb 17, 2014 - 8:26 pm
    @Jessica Smock: Of all the things on Pinterest that might be useful someday, I think dairy-free dessert recipes for my lactose-intolerant tot would be on the list. If I don't mangle them, that is....
    Reply Delete
  • Report Mon Feb 17, 2014 - 6:05 pm
    by  Katia
    Wait, you mean #4 is NOT considered doing crafts??? This was brilliant and I love you and going to follow you too. But first I'm off to pin this post :-D Hope to see more of you here!
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Debra Cole on Mon Feb 17, 2014 at 8:25 pm
  • Report Mon Feb 17, 2014 - 8:25 pm
    @Katia: I mean, I thought it was totally crafty, but then I saw my babysitter making cars out of play-doh and I realized it wasn't so much.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Mon Feb 17, 2014 - 7:13 pm
    I have to admit, I laughed my ass off at #2 before thinking, "Wait a minute, that could work..." I might be using that trick in the near future. Like the next time I try to bake something.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Debra Cole on Mon Feb 17, 2014 at 8:24 pm
  • Report Mon Feb 17, 2014 - 8:24 pm
    @Robyn Welling: It totally worked! (No, it didn't.)
    Reply Delete

We’re pretty Pinteresting

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