These people do not want to see our boobs
Boobies, hooters, jugs, tits, chesticles, sweater puppets . . . no matter what you call ‘em, just don't let them see the light of day in East Tennessee, particularly while the God-fearing patrons of Chick-fil-A® are scarfing down their family-friendly-fast-food.
Oh, haven't you heard? Last week a mother was asked to stop breastfeeding her 5-month-old baby by a Chick-fil-A® manager who expressed concern that "other parents were afraid" of their children seeing the nursing mother's uncovered breasts, according to an article on Yahoo! Shine.
Shocking, I know.
Granted, this occurred in the heart of America's Bible Belt, so part of me gets the whole regional "Thou shalt not whip out your nips" commandment. Or maybe it's a local orthodox kosher law: never mix Chick-fil-A Waffle Potato Fries® and dairy . . . I'm not really sure.
But the part of that article that floored me the most was the overwhelming number of comments from the general American public about the importance of modesty. This wasn't the typical breast vs. bottle debate. This was "Have some common courtesy, ladies! I don't care what you do, as long as I don't have to see it while I'm getting my Spicy Chicken Sandwich Combo on!"
Personally, I don't think they're concentrating hard enough on their meal if they're rubbernecking for some titty peek-a-boo action in between bites.
Some of the commenters argued that breastfeeding should be done in private: "Just feed your baby before you leave home!" Oh, right, because THAT always works out. Let me get this straight, I take my three kids to a "family friendly" restaurant, and I should just let my baby shriek from hunger while he watches his big siblings chow down rather than offend your eyes with a possible glimpse of my Milk Duds? I bet if we put it to a vote the howling baby would rank as WAY MORE OFFENSIVE to most restaurant patrons than a nip slip.
Oh, but you're fine with it as long as we cover ourselves?
Because in this nation where children play with dolls that look like they have pimps, and girls wear shorts so short they promise to make every cervix a star, and Anthony Weiner still exists—our breasts offend you?
I'm sorry, I'm just having a hard time wrapping my mind around this.
What about bikinis? And all the boob jobs? And the slow-motion Baywatch jog? And the prevalence of Hooters restaurants? And that Victoria chick and all her naughty, naughty secrets?
People love breasts! Breasts are beautiful! Breasts feed babies! This just doesn't compute.
Hey, if you want to be offended in a Chick-fil-A®, be offended that their corporate president, Dan Cathy, supports the "biblical" definition of family and has donated millions of dollars to groups that oppose gay rights. Now THAT'S offensive.
And here's another idea, you don't want to see our fun bags? EAT YER FUCKING SANDWICH AND QUIT STARING AT THEM, PERV!
If you're a breastfeeding mother who is sick and tired of people hassling you, this is one of my all-time favorite posts from In The Powder Room staff writer Kerry Rossow about her top comebacks for jerks who criticize public breastfeeding. My gift to you. Enjoy!
Leslie Marinelli is a writer, wife, mother of three, toilet humor aficionada, and transplanted Pittsburgher trapped in the suburbs of Atlanta. She's a weekly columnist and the Editor-in-Chief of In The Powder Room, as well as the creative force behind The Bearded Iris: A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All where she has been recognized as a BlogHer Humor Voice of the Year in 2013 & 2012. Leslie is also the editor and one of the co-authors of In The Powder Room's hilarious new bestselling anthology, "You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth" (where she also writes about boobs.) You can connect with her on Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram, and Twitter as @TheBeardedIris.