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Flirting with the flu
I've been watching the spread of the flu on the news this week and wondering if I'll escape it.
You see, I didn't get a flu shot. (Gasp!)
And I have no intention of getting one. (Double gasp!)
The last time I got a flu shot, I got a sore arm and the flu. Ever since then, I take my chances. Look, I'm not in a high-risk group. I'm young, but not too young. I'm old, but not that old. I don't have a weakened immune system. I'm not pregnant. I don't live or work with anyone at high-risk for developing serious complications. And as a general rule, I don't lick many doorknobs or shopping cart handles.
I wash my hands a lot. Not like OCD-a-lot, but enough. I keep a squirt bottle of hand sanitizer in one of the 13 cup holders of my Mombulance and use it every time I go through a drive-thru, or use an ATM, or slide a dollar into someone's thong.
I snack on my kids' vitamin D gummies all winter long and drink raspberry Emergen-C in a wine glass as my afternoon cocktail.
And on the rare occasion that I do feel that telltale scratchy tickle in the back of my throat like I'm on the verge of coming down with something, I chug a home remedy that usually does the trick. Or so I'd like to believe.
Of course I realize that I'm totally jinxing myself by writing this post. But I have been a little depressed lately, so it might be a cry for help.
Last week, against all better judgment, I found myself eating a bowl of homemade clam chowder that had been in my refrigerator for thirteen days. It passed the smell test and I was ravenous, so I went for it, devil may care. And nothing bad happened. Not even a rancid clam-scented toot the next day. Nothing.
I'm not going to lie. It made me feel a little invincible.
So the next afternoon I told my seat belt to kiss my ass, bought some cheap foundation at the corner store without even holding it up to my face in the filthy plastic display mirror, and then shared a needle with a Puerto Rican hooker. Fine, that "needle" was a sewing needle, and by "hooker" I mean crochet enthusiast. But still. She may have been harboring flu germs on those crafty hands.
Maybe my whole fast-and-loose policy with flu shots, makeup, and leftovers is a way to spin the wheel in the roulette game of life. So what if it is?
Hey, I'm probably never going to climb Mt. Everest, or get picked to be a contestant on Dancing with the Stars, or liberate myself from a fallen boulder by gnawing off an appendage. It is highly likely that flirting with the flu is the single most dangerous thing I'll attempt all year.
Perhaps if my ride on the Clam Carousel had gone another way, I'd be in line behind you today at the local flu shot clinic.
But it didn't.
And I won't.
So let me laugh in the face of the flu while donning my slightly orange visage and a homemade poncho in the colors of the Puerto Rican flag, because I'm on a roll.
I hope.
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Comments (42)
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Report Thu Jan 24, 2013 - 8:50 amIt's always fun to play a good game of Russian Roulette with the flu... :)Reply
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Report Thu Jan 24, 2013 - 2:17 amSeriously, in my mind, the old clam chowder AND no flu shot are akin to Acapulco Cliff Diving. Hats off to you, from a woman who has an abject fear of food poisoning and the flu. I aspire to your lifestyle :)Reply
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Report Tue Jan 22, 2013 - 9:07 pmYou are seriously BAD ASS. You laughed in the face of food poisoning and survived. Sharing needles with hookers/crocheters? What's next? Eating something at a bake sale?Reply
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Report Sun Jan 20, 2013 - 7:55 pmI'm not taking my chances with the flu. Having said that, I ride horses so that's my one risky behavior. It's funny how that works. A friend asked me to start skiing with her. I said no way. I already participate in one risky sport, I don't need another way to break my neck. You've got to pick and choose how you're going to live on the edge.Reply
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Sat Jan 19, 2013 - 1:20 am
You are a rebel with a cause and I love it! Screw caution; drink fewer than 8 glasses of water a day WHATWHAT! I am afraid of the flu. I have been Lysoling and wiping and antibacterialing and did you wash your hands? go wash your hands, when's the last time you washed your hands, oh my god don't touch me with your hands hands hands SNEEZE. Damn kids. I got a shot this year and still got a mild case of the flu, so did the kids and all of us were well past the two week period it takes to really be in your system. I just think this year's flu is immune to the shot and we're all living in a Truman Show-like Outbreak movie-like, well, movie. That damn monkey gon kill us all.Reply -
2 replies, Last reply by Arnebya on Sun Jan 20, 2013 at 9:17 am
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Report Sun Jan 20, 2013 - 7:11 amI don't know what is so scary about the flu anyway.......flirty away.Reply
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Report Sat Jan 19, 2013 - 10:52 pmYou go girl!!Reply
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Sat Jan 19, 2013 - 7:07 pm
I've never had a flu shot, and only had the flu once...ever. When I feel that tickle, I take the shotgun approach: Zicam, massive amounts of garlicky chicken soup (Jewish Penicillin) and gin. Yes. I spend an entire day drinking lots of gin. the theory is that my blood alcohol gets high enough that it simply kills off the virus infection. I am responsible about it, and make sure there's someone of driving age (my youngest is 13 and he can totally drive a tractor) in the house (I'm kidding, there's 3 other kids over 21 who take over when this is going on). I am not sure if it's the zicam,soup,or gin that does it, but I am never sick for more than 3 days, and have never been incapacitated (other than what the gin does,and the next-day hangover). I am not advocating drunkeness as a remedy, but my veterinarian father says it makes as much sense as deliberately infecting yourself with something in order to prevent something.Reply -
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Sat Jan 19, 2013 - 6:34 pm
Does my near-fanaticism about food and germs balance us out? Because I have to go take a Silkwood shower after reading that. LOVE YOU.Reply -
Report Sat Jan 19, 2013 - 11:33 amSomehow, my nose conjured up the smell of rancid clam fart just by reading that sentence. You are very lucky to have avoided it.Reply
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Sat Jan 19, 2013 - 10:41 am
GOOD LORD, WOMAN! I'm aghast. Who do you think you are? Living the the thin edge if the knife like that? Dime store foundation that you didn't even compare to the color on the inside of your wrist. Well, that's just taunting danger. And I, for one, won't abide it!Reply -
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Sat Jan 19, 2013 - 10:07 am
I've only a flu shot once, years ago. I don't get them either. And, knock on wood, I haven't had the flu in decades.Reply -
Report Sat Jan 19, 2013 - 1:09 amConsider the week old clam chowder the equivalent of a flu shot :) I think I'll help myself to some left overs from my fridge and when I say 'left over', it could mean anything left over a month...Reply
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2 replies, Last reply by lisa thomson on Sat Jan 19, 2013 at 8:07 am
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Fri Jan 18, 2013 - 9:28 pm
Girl, you are wild and crazy. Fly that freak flag!Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Sat Jan 19, 2013 at 4:37 am
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Fri Jan 18, 2013 - 9:41 pm
I love how you live on the edge, chicky.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Sat Jan 19, 2013 at 4:36 am
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Report Fri Jan 18, 2013 - 9:53 pmClam Carousel would make an amazing strip club name. You better trademark that shizz right now!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Sat Jan 19, 2013 at 4:36 am
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Report Fri Jan 18, 2013 - 10:25 pmI'm with you: I have only had the flu once in my life. It was the week after I got my first and only flu shot, which had been recommended by my doctor due to my first pregnancy. So not only was I huge and uncomfortable, I was trying to get my bulge close enough to the toilet to puke into it, rather than its close proximity. So, due to my own personal oddness, I skip the shot, too. And I haven't had the flu since.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Sat Jan 19, 2013 at 4:36 am
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Report Fri Jan 18, 2013 - 10:41 pmI'm with you on the Flu shot. I am a STICKLER for all other vaccines, but the years I've gotten the Flu shot has always been when I got the Flu also. I think it's a superstitious thing at this point. You're a braver woman than I, however when it comes to eating things leftover from the fridge. I don't like most leftovers, but when I DO eat them, they can't be older than like 2 days.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Sat Jan 19, 2013 at 4:34 am
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Report Fri Jan 18, 2013 - 11:25 pmSkydiving, alligator wrestling, and eating old clam chowder... all things that terrify me. You are so brave!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Sat Jan 19, 2013 at 4:32 am
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Sat Jan 19, 2013 - 12:04 am
Oy. I have been having panic attacks each morning watching the news as cities succumb to the flu epidemic like double-wides to an F5. I, like you, have had no flu anti-bodies thrust into me although I also have no hookers (of any ilk, crocheting or otherwise) hovering about about. Maybe I too am safe.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Sat Jan 19, 2013 at 4:31 am
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Report Sat Jan 19, 2013 - 1:26 amSad thing is today I found myself secretly pining for the illness just so I can get some rest. Hoping my lack of getting a flu shot actually pays off!! ;)Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Sat Jan 19, 2013 at 4:24 am
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Report Sat Jan 19, 2013 - 1:43 amBottoms up with that Emergen-C, wild child!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Sat Jan 19, 2013 at 4:23 am
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Sat Jan 19, 2013 - 2:10 am
You're a dangerous lady, and I like the way you roll. But not checking the foundation to your face? I gotta draw the line there.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Sat Jan 19, 2013 at 4:22 am
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Fri Jan 18, 2013 - 7:54 pm
Hey Leslie, I don't get the flu shot either, for the very same reason, but I make everybody else in the household get one. I really did think we were going to see an emergency room shot, in re: cleaning refrigerator with face. I would like to see a picture of the poncho.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Fri Jan 18, 2013 at 8:03 pm
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Fri Jan 18, 2013 - 5:12 pm
Oh, Leslie. I really hope you didn't jinx yourself with this post because I DID have the flu… and it sucked big, hairy donkey balls. In fact, it's been nearly four weeks (I came down with it Christmas Day) and I still have a dry cough and my mother keeps asking me if I could possibly have walking pneumonia. Ugh. So, stay healthy, my friend. And for the love of God, quit living so dangerously!Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Fri Jan 18, 2013 at 8:02 pm
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