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Barking mad men
by In the dark days of a decade ago, a group of sinister men sat around a table, plotting ways that they could take more of your hard earned money. In fact, so devious, so diabolical was their plan that, in the end, you would happily give them the money, of your own free will, and with a smile. Money that you could not afford and did not need to spend.
Who were these men? They were marketing men. And they had their sights set on your mouth. Oh you think that sounds so absurd, don't you? But you fell for it. Yes. You. Not happy with making you paranoid about your bad breath, gum disease and impending set of falsies, not content with taking your money in exchange for paste and floss and mouth wash, they set to work on your tongue. They invented a toothbrush that not only cleaned your teeth, but also scraped your tongue. Then, and here's the truly amazing part, they persuaded you that your tongues required scraping. And lo, in our thousands we purchased new and more expensive toothbrushes, that we did not want or need. And as we stood at our sinks, scraping and gagging and retching into our bathroom mirrors, they went home happy, sniggering, the sound of our coins jingling in their pockets.
And now, they're back. Only this time they don't want your tongue, they want your whole being. And this time they don't want you to look stupid in the privacy of your bathroom mirror, they want your public humiliation. They have sold you leg warmers. They have sold you bat-wing jumpers. They have sold you puff ball skirts and over the knee socks, and luminous fingerless gloves. And now they would like you to spend the last of your money on an all-encompassing, body hugging, over-sized jumpsuit now known the world over as a "Onesie".
Women of the world, take a good hard look at yourselves. I beg you. On what planet do you look cool, stylish, even sexy, in an adult sized baby grow? Because I promise you, no matter how many celebrities prance around in them, no matter how many models curl up in front of a fire in them, no matter how cosy and cute and practical they may seem, THAT IS WHAT THEY ARE. In the name of all that you hold holy, stop now, while you have a shred of dignity left. (And while we're at it, three month old babies do not look cute dressed in reindeer baby grows. Hell will freeze over before you look anything other than deeply disturbed.)
The marketing men of evil have pulled off that clever trick, yet again, of presenting you with something utterly absurd, for the sole purpose of extracting money. No good can come of this, mark my words. Put your money back in your pocket, take a deep breath, and WALK AWAY.
Comments (19)
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Report Tue Jan 15, 2013 - 12:48 amI use to HATE onesies and really couldn't see the appeal but I have to admit I liked it, it was so comfy. I still think they look totally ridiculous but they are great slouching around clothes.Reply -
Report Sat Jan 12, 2013 - 12:17 amBut surely when you go to the loo you'd need to get totally undressed? How cosy is that? And what if you're in a hurry and the zip gets stuck?Reply -
3 replies, Last reply by Liz Dawes on Sun Jan 13, 2013 at 3:43 am
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Sat Jan 12, 2013 - 9:08 am
At a recent music festival, I noticed a stall selling animal-themed onesies. Is it wrong that I might have considered buying two different kinds for my partner and me so that we might have hot inter-species onesie sex? Yep, it's wrong.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Liz Dawes on Sat Jan 12, 2013 at 10:35 pm
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Report Fri Jan 11, 2013 - 4:12 pmThere is a shop in the Stratford Westfield centre that only sells onesies and even the staff are forced to wear them. We're all going to hell.Reply
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2 replies, Last reply by Lerner on Sat Jan 12, 2013 at 12:53 am
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Fri Jan 11, 2013 - 6:14 pm
This is why I don't watch network TV (no commercials), read magazines, or pay any attention to billboards. Marketing people have convinced generations of women that we are only attractive if young and thin, so anyone over 100 pounds and 20 years is compelled to spend all their money trying to be 100 pounds and 20 years old, which isn't possible. The only marketing stuff that works on me are the David Austin Rose catalogs, with their beautiful photos that say it is possible for me to have and English rose garden in South Georgia, if I spend all my money on their roses.Reply -
2 replies, Last reply by rootietoot on Fri Jan 11, 2013 at 11:08 pm
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Fri Jan 11, 2013 - 9:08 pm
Oh, please make this stop. The last thing my mother needs to add to her collection of Snuggies and Precious Moments dolls, is an adult onsie!Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Liz Dawes on Fri Jan 11, 2013 at 10:51 pm
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Report Fri Jan 11, 2013 - 8:21 pmOnesies rock. I've just bought my first one. I am snow tiger hear me roar. I've also just this morning appropriately christened it by dribbling brown sauce down it.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Liz Dawes on Fri Jan 11, 2013 at 8:25 pm
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Fri Jan 11, 2013 - 7:42 pm
Oh.Hell.No.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Liz Dawes on Fri Jan 11, 2013 at 7:45 pm
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