Barking mad men
In the dark days of a decade ago, a group of sinister men sat around a table, plotting ways that they could take more of your hard earned money. In fact, so devious, so diabolical was their plan that, in the end, you would happily give them the money, of your own free will, and with a smile. Money that you could not afford and did not need to spend.
Who were these men? They were marketing men. And they had their sights set on your mouth. Oh you think that sounds so absurd, don't you? But you fell for it. Yes. You. Not happy with making you paranoid about your bad breath, gum disease and impending set of falsies, not content with taking your money in exchange for paste and floss and mouth wash, they set to work on your tongue. They invented a toothbrush that not only cleaned your teeth, but also scraped your tongue. Then, and here's the truly amazing part, they persuaded you that your tongues required scraping. And lo, in our thousands we purchased new and more expensive toothbrushes, that we did not want or need. And as we stood at our sinks, scraping and gagging and retching into our bathroom mirrors, they went home happy, sniggering, the sound of our coins jingling in their pockets.
And now, they're back. Only this time they don't want your tongue, they want your whole being. And this time they don't want you to look stupid in the privacy of your bathroom mirror, they want your public humiliation. They have sold you leg warmers. They have sold you bat-wing jumpers. They have sold you puff ball skirts and over the knee socks, and luminous fingerless gloves. And now they would like you to spend the last of your money on an all-encompassing, body hugging, over-sized jumpsuit now known the world over as a "Onesie".
Women of the world, take a good hard look at yourselves. I beg you. On what planet do you look cool, stylish, even sexy, in an adult sized baby grow? Because I promise you, no matter how many celebrities prance around in them, no matter how many models curl up in front of a fire in them, no matter how cosy and cute and practical they may seem, THAT IS WHAT THEY ARE. In the name of all that you hold holy, stop now, while you have a shred of dignity left. (And while we're at it, three month old babies do not look cute dressed in reindeer baby grows. Hell will freeze over before you look anything other than deeply disturbed.)
The marketing men of evil have pulled off that clever trick, yet again, of presenting you with something utterly absurd, for the sole purpose of extracting money. No good can come of this, mark my words. Put your money back in your pocket, take a deep breath, and WALK AWAY.