 |
Why I'm not on the PTA
by It's the beginning of the school year, so we're all making new friends. I'm RSVP'ing Yes to parties I'd rather say No to in the spirit of getting to know the other moms. This means that I've met a lot of people I hate lately.
Like Humorless SanctiMommy: a mom and I were talking about the how hellish it is bringing kids shoe shopping, how they always beg for glow-in-the-dark-light-up-ugly-ass-too-small sneakers. Humorless SanctiMommy pipes up: "If I'm in a store with my kids and they want something, I just say ‘no'" The other mom and I stared blankly until I kicked Humorless SanctiMommy in the shins and yelled "Say no now, Bitch!"
Or Humorless PerfectionMommy: a mom standing next to me eating the remains of cake and pizza off of her daughter's discarded plate lamented, "Ugh, this is the last thing I need." I reassured her with a benign, "Don't worry, food you eat off your kid's plate totally doesn't count." Then another mom pipes up: "Actually, you need to be careful because it does count and it really can add up." OMG. WTF? I kicked that bitch too.
How about Humorless Plain Stupid Mommy: a mom is holding her 6-month-old baby-an adorable, smiling thing with a shock of orange hair. I comment that the baby is so happy and cute and has been smiling at nothing for the last 30 minutes. She tells me, "I'm sure she's smiling at something that's entertaining her, not nothing." Panicked, I look around but don't see an easy escape. She goes on talking for a while while I plan how to run away from her. I tune back in when she says that the baby is a terrible sleeper. I say, "Well, I guess you can't have it all. I had grumpy babies who slept great." She looks at me like I'm painted pink. She says, "I don't think a baby is a package deal." OMG. I smiled and backed away. I couldn't even kick that bitch for fear of catching crazy.
It would be helpful for people to wear personality tags like nametags. Mine would say something like "Snarky and Obnoxious." I'd seek out others whose tags said, "Funny," "Sarcastic," "I Hate it Here," "I'm Probably Wishing You'd Shut Up," and the like. I could easily avoid, "Sanctimonious," "Boring as Hell," "Humorless," "Zealot," "Vegan, and I'll Tell You Why."
Of course you could change the tag based on the occasion. At a wedding? How about, "Lonely" vs. "Open Bar!" I know who I'd hang out with. Trick-or-treating? "I Can't Wait till The Kids go to Bed so I Can Steal This Candy," vs. "No Thanks, We Don't Eat Junk Food." How about Thanksgiving, "I'm Genuinely Thankful and Want to Talk About it," vs. "Keep the Booze Flowing and Help Me Avoid Uncle Larry."
Comments (22)
-
Report Thu Nov 1, 2012 - 1:38 amHoly crap! I actually choked reading this I laughed so hard. I'm right there with you sister. I didn't realize how I was until just last week on one of my monster's field trips... I always stand with the dads and grandpas because I'm scared of catching the crazy from the "I Can't Shut Up How Great I Am" women. Please note my name tag. " Aspiring Shut-In."Reply -
Report Fri Oct 26, 2012 - 7:08 pmI would like my name tag to say, "I Can Be Kind Of A Bitch." That way we are all clear, right up front. Fabulous idea, by the way. I love it!Reply
-
4 replies, Last reply by Possum on Sun Oct 28, 2012 at 8:34 am
-
Report Sat Oct 27, 2012 - 4:26 pmMine would say, "If I offend you, I was probably kidding. Or you're an asshat. Or both."Reply
-
Report Sat Oct 27, 2012 - 2:02 pmIf I look sane, I apologise, I'm not. P.S. got any wine?Reply
-
Report
Sat Oct 27, 2012 - 4:45 am
Mine would say "Shy at the beginning, becoming wildly inappropriate and smutty shortly after".Reply -
Report Sat Oct 27, 2012 - 3:46 amYes, please! Mine would read "Sarcasm, party of eff off!". Or possibly "Leave unless you have caffeine.".Reply
-
Report Sat Oct 27, 2012 - 3:40 amMine would say: Just Kidding! (not really)Reply
-
Report Fri Oct 26, 2012 - 11:32 pmThis is just priceless!!! Unfortunately no one would wear the truth. Well I would. Each day I'd have a different tag!!Reply
-
1 reply, Last reply by Allison Hart on Sat Oct 27, 2012 at 3:24 am
-
Report Sat Oct 27, 2012 - 12:33 amMine would say, "I'll probably call you a twat at some point. Please don't take offense to it." Or, "I hate everybody and everything seems stupid to me." The list could go on and on, really. Love the post, twat!Reply
-
Report Fri Oct 26, 2012 - 10:35 pmOh dear god! The PTA! My daughter has just started school and I am constantly f*****g up in the mom playground stakes. We've been invited for a couple of playdates at various peoples houses and I have constantly put my foot in it there as well. We never get invited back. My name tag would read "sarcastic and don't give a s**t". Incidentally, I have only been asked to join the PTA once and the look I gave the woman made her back off..Reply
-
Report Fri Oct 26, 2012 - 9:53 pmI love it! Mine would say, "I might look nice but I'm pretty much making fun of everybody in my head right now." I know it's long, but I hate it when people assume I'm actually interested and earnest about stuff. www.dirtyrottenparenting.comReply
-
Report Fri Oct 26, 2012 - 8:10 pm"Appreciates Toilet Humor" or "The F-bomb is My Favorite Word" ;-)Reply
-
Report Fri Oct 26, 2012 - 7:52 pmMine would say "I Tell It like it is", and "sarcastic bitch" no wonder I don't make friends quickly....Reply
-
Report Fri Oct 26, 2012 - 7:36 pmHow did you know I have an uncle Larry?! I'm nervous and perplexed.. your entries are fantastic!Reply
-
Report Fri Oct 26, 2012 - 7:30 pmI think mine would say: "shouldn't be allowed out without supervision" or "Yes, I mean Exactly What I say" I think we'd be best friends.Reply
-
Report Fri Oct 26, 2012 - 7:01 pmHa! They tried to get me to join the PTA last night at parent-teacher conferences. No, just... NO. 0_0Reply
-
1 reply, Last reply by Allison Hart on Fri Oct 26, 2012 at 7:09 pm
Enter the word as it appears in the box.