My latest purchase in the war on flab
Women are the craziest women I know. (Go ahead; read it again, I'll wait.) Seriously fucked up. Every last one. (Don't worry, this isn't offensive. I am a woman, and some of my best friends are women.) Why are women crazy? Because we'll believe anything that says: "Do X and you'll be thin, beautiful, and stay young forever!"
We are smart people. We know this is bullshit. We are well aware that aging is not, in fact, reversible. We know this but we still pick up the phone and agree to pay not seven but FIVE easy payments of $19.99!! (Plus first born for S&H.)
We buy this crap and we use it. We pop pills, read shelves of conflicting diet books, slather ourselves in potions, inject our faces with toxins, and sweat it out in our living rooms like the latest perfect-bod-in-8-days video says we should.
But worst is what we're willing to eat.
Ever see a woman order an egg white omelet? Essentially, she's agreeing to eat hot white rubber in exchange for the promise of the Holy Grail: thinness. And she'll act like she's perfectly happy in this choice. "Can I please substitute fruit for the potatoes? And no toast please. Here, you can just take this bread basket right off the table. Also, if possible, I'd like a nail hammered into my foot while I eat. Thanks."
How about Olestra? Remember that stuff? Some guys in a lab found a chemical that makes humans shit water. Uncontrollably. Just straight-up ass-leaking.
"Twenty bucks says I can get chicks to eat this!"
And we did! That guy got his twenty bucks. I can clearly remember what it felt like holding that crinkly bag of chips as I considered the inevitable digestive issues vs. the prospect of eating actual (not baked) potato chips, and NOT GETTING FAT FROM IT. In essence, I ate poison that would cause me pain, discomfort, and potential ass-leakage. You did it too. And so did she and she and she and a bunch of hopeful ass-leaking guys too.
The latest thing I've spent my cash on (cash I should be saving to buy the outrageously expensive but supposedly totally worth it Insanity Workout system. Jillian Michaels is so last year), is WhoNu cookies. Have you heard of these? They're basically Oreos, but somehow they've packed them full of so much fiber that they are now a health food. According to the folks at WhoNu, I'm nutritionally better off eating these than not, so how could I not buy them? Beware: if you eat more than one, you might as well set up camp in the bathroom. I know this. I really, really, really know it. But who can eat just one Oreo?
So this is what I mean by crazy. We know better, but we want to believe there's a shortcut. Now, if you'll excuse me, my probiotic detox tea is ready and I have to wash off my organic Red Sea algae face mask.