Jan 31

Repeat Performance

Comments (14) by Janie Emaus January 31, 2011 - 7:01 AM

Chances are if you're in your fifties or older and one or both of your parents are still alive, some of your time is spent in a care-giving situation. It may involve paying bills and doing paperwork. Or driving to doctor appointments, the mall or the grocery store. You may change light bulbs, take out the trash cans and do some gardening. You may even go one step further and play nurse, doling out meds and keeping wounds clean. And in extreme situations, you may be forced to play the role that your parents once played with you - that of chief bottle washer and potty monitor.

In my case, I'm fairly lucky as my mom is quite able to care for herself and in a financial situation where she can afford 24/7 care for my father who suffers from Alzheimer's. So, my main function is one of giving emotional support. I call my mom every morning. I listen to her dilemmas, ranging from issues dealing with my dad's health to when to mail her property taxes to which vegetable to serve for that night's dinner.

Every decision seems to carry the same weight. My support includes listening, sorting through the issues and giving my advice. Much the same as she did for me when I was growing up. And then of course, she does whatever she wants to anyway. Much like I did when I was younger.

A typical conversation goes something like this:

Mom:  So what's new with you?

Me:  Not much. How are you today?

Mom:  I'm fine. What's new?

Me:  Nothing. What are you doing today?

Mom:  Going to get the car washed and stop by the market. How's by you?

Me: (Didn't I just answer this question?) I'm good. Did you decide what to do about Saturday?

Mom:  No. And stop asking. When I decide, I'll tell you. So, how are you?

You get the picture.

Mind you, my mom is a very sharp lady. She runs a book club, writes newsletters and is computer savvy. She doesn't repeat herself because she is forgetful. No, her condition is one I call "leave-no-silent-space" behind. And, face it, when you talk to someone every day, sometimes two or three times a day, there isn't that much to talk about. There's bound to be some silence.

On the other hand, my best friend is in a totally different care-giving situation. Her mother does suffer from some dementia. She repeats herself because she really doesn't remember. For her, it's like Christmas over and over again, discovering that her favorite show is on TV or that my friend is making her favorite pasta for dinner. She couldn't be happier.

For my friend, it's like Groundhog Day every twenty minutes. She feels like she is losing her mind.

Still, as frustrating as it can be, my friend cares for her mother, as her mother once cared for her. We do what we have to, because we care. It's not what we talk about that matters. It's the talking itself. Because one day the words will stop. Our attention will no longer be needed. There will be silence.

And then before we know it the cycle will start over again. Only this time we will be the ones needing help with the trash, the light bulbs, the paperwork and the potty.

As they say, history repeats itself. And if the family wheels are rolling forward in a loving matter, so does care-giving.

by Janie Emaus January 31, 2011 - 7:01 AM

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Comments (14)

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  • Report Wed Feb 2, 2011 - 8:47 pm
    Givalook - It's much easier when you have a sister or brother to help out. I'm fortunate in that department. Sounds like you are, too.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Feb 2, 2011 - 8:46 pm
    Jean - I'm hoping the same thing!
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Feb 2, 2011 - 10:12 am
    by  GIVALOOK
    Liked your article as usual. What you said made me think of how thankful I really am for my sister who has put her mental health aside( she still has it) she has been taking care of my Mom even though she lives in San Diego. It's not easy no matter how well the Mother - Daughter relationship is Unfortunately our Mother i is suffering from Dementia also.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Feb 1, 2011 - 7:56 pm
    Janie, it seems we are all heading in this direction aren't we? I do think as hard as it is to care for an aging (especially one with dementia) parent, there really is a certain beauty in giving back. Now if I can only raise my 3 little one's to feel the same way and not lock me in a home somewhere.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Feb 1, 2011 - 10:39 am
    Catherine - You are setting the example for your son, so I'm sure he'll have the same views as you.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Feb 1, 2011 - 10:38 am
    Carol - Thanks. That's why I try not to complain.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Feb 1, 2011 - 10:37 am
    Cindi - I think about that a lot lately.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Feb 1, 2011 - 12:33 am
    I'm currently caring for my parents ( from a distance) and for my disabled son, at home. I really like your attitude and I hope that we are bringing up our other son to have similar views.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Mon Jan 31, 2011 - 11:44 pm
    by  Anne Kemp
    Janie - Such a great article! I really loved it and can completely relate!!
    Reply Delete
  • Report Mon Jan 31, 2011 - 11:05 pm
    by  Terry
    I did my caretaking very early, when I should have been CARETAKED. But, no complaints, I wish I could be doing it now so I would have known my mother better. You have a good attitude. So lucky to have had your parents for so long.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Mon Jan 31, 2011 - 11:04 pm
    by  LindaO
    The cycles of life can be difficult, Janie, but facing them lovingly like that is the key!
    Reply Delete
  • Report Mon Jan 31, 2011 - 9:08 pm
    Great post, Janie. I had to do my caretaking duty rather early on in life since my mom had early onset Parkinson's disease. So I was doing a bit of caretaking when I was in my teens. My mom died when I was 26 and honestly I wouldn't have minded a few more years of that care-giving.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Mon Jan 31, 2011 - 8:50 pm
    by  TinaF
    Terrific blog here, Janie. And since the genes in my family set me up to live on out toward a hundred, I am certain to soon be on the needy side of this coin. And since the genes in my family set me up to live on out toward a hundred, I am certain to soon be on the needy side of this coin. (Oh, wait, did I just say that? ;))
    Reply Delete
  • Report Mon Jan 31, 2011 - 4:07 pm
    It does make you take note when you realize that you're next in line.
    Reply Delete

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