Six rules for dating in a catfish world
Romance is in the air, and sometimes it smells a little suspicious.
If you're looking for love, it is only natural to try to find it on the Internet. Problem is, there's a lot of scheming, bored assholes on there as well.
Many have covered the embarrassing tale of Notre Dame football player Manti Te'o and his ill-fated fake girlfriend, who fake-died, and made him look a fool on national television. This poor fellow was naïve enough to fall for someone who never really existed, and apparently had no one in his life to shake him by the shoulders, insisting he do a little more fact-checking before exchanging I Love Yous with a girl on a wire.
Te'o had no idea he was sweet-talking catfishers -- people who use the Internet to manipulate others -- when he thought he was building a life with this woman. Then he had his heart broken and intelligence questioned when it all blew up in his face.
Don't let this happen to you.
Now that he's single again, I have some dating tips for Te'o, which you are encouraged to follow as well, in your quest for virtual romance.
Rules for Dating in a Catfish World:
1. If she sends you a photo that has a striking resemblance to that of Elle Macpherson in the 1980s, I guarantee that she has testicles and has never looked anything like Elle Macpherson, ever.
2. Before you consider yourselves boyfriend and girlfriend, the next time you meet up via Skype, FaceTime or Google HangOut, ask her to grab her wallet and hold a driver's license and Netflix bill up to the camera. If I need to show seven forms of ID to get a discount card at the grocery store, she can prove to the guy she wants to eventually sleep with that she is who she claims to be.
3. If she tells you she loves you before you make out even once, don't believe that shit. This isn't the nineteenth century: a good snog always makes or breaks the deal these days.
4. If she has a whole lot of "cousins" who talk to you on her behalf, and none of them actually look related? They aren't her cousins.
5. If her name is barely pronounceable and, at times, she misspells it? That's not her name.
6. If she tells you not to Google her, because she's not on Google, she doesn't exist.
Have you ever been catfished? How about misled by someone you dated in real life?