In The Powder Room

Feb 08

Six rules for dating in a catfish world

Comments (17) by Kim Bongiorno February 08, 2013 - 7:01 AM

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Romance is in the air, and sometimes it smells a little suspicious.

If you're looking for love, it is only natural to try to find it on the Internet. Problem is, there's a lot of scheming, bored assholes on there as well.

Many have covered the embarrassing tale of Notre Dame football player Manti Te'o and his ill-fated fake girlfriend, who fake-died, and made him look a fool on national television. This poor fellow was naïve enough to fall for someone who never really existed, and apparently had no one in his life to shake him by the shoulders, insisting he do a little more fact-checking before exchanging I Love Yous with a girl on a wire.

Te'o had no idea he was sweet-talking catfishers -- people who use the Internet to manipulate others -- when he thought he was building a life with this woman. Then he had his heart broken and intelligence questioned when it all blew up in his face.

Don't let this happen to you.

Now that he's single again, I have some dating tips for Te'o, which you are encouraged to follow as well, in your quest for virtual romance.

Rules for Dating in a Catfish World:

1. If she sends you a photo that has a striking resemblance to that of Elle Macpherson in the 1980s, I guarantee that she has testicles and has never looked anything like Elle Macpherson, ever.

2. Before you consider yourselves boyfriend and girlfriend, the next time you meet up via Skype, FaceTime or Google HangOut, ask her to grab her wallet and hold a driver's license and Netflix bill up to the camera. If I need to show seven forms of ID to get a discount card at the grocery store, she can prove to the guy she wants to eventually sleep with that she is who she claims to be.

3. If she tells you she loves you before you make out even once, don't believe that shit. This isn't the nineteenth century: a good snog always makes or breaks the deal these days.

4. If she has a whole lot of "cousins" who talk to you on her behalf, and none of them actually look related? They aren't her cousins.

5. If her name is barely pronounceable and, at times, she misspells it? That's not her name.

6. If she tells you not to Google her, because she's not on Google, she doesn't exist.

Have you ever been catfished? How about misled by someone you dated in real life?

by Kim Bongiorno February 08, 2013 - 7:01 AM

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    She's got legs, she knows how to use them

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    WTF, lesbians?

    by HouseTalkN April 04, 2013 - 6:01 AM
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    How to find the perfect man at any age

    by Kim Bongiorno March 22, 2013 - 6:01 AM

Comments (17)

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  Report Tue Feb 12, 2013 - 1:17 am

  by  lhewitt

  Hey Kim, Sorry I'm late. This is hilarious. I voted. Peace out.

  Reply Delete
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  Report Sat Feb 9, 2013 - 4:26 am

  by  Chance of Wine

  Wait a minute... Do you mean to tell me that Franco, who wants to "introduce me to guaranteed sex" isn't real?! DAMMIT! Hilarious post. ;)

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim Bongiorno on Sun Feb 10, 2013 at 12:55 am
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  Report Sun Feb 10, 2013 - 12:55 am

  by  Kim Bongiorno

  @Chance of Wine: Sorry to burst the love bubble, but ummm...yeah. There's no guarantee.

  Reply Delete
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  Report Sat Feb 9, 2013 - 4:20 am

  by  hillary

  This is the kind of stuff that makes me want to lock up all computers until my kids are 21. Too extreme?

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim Bongiorno on Sun Feb 10, 2013 at 12:55 am
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  Report Sun Feb 10, 2013 - 12:55 am

  by  Kim Bongiorno

  @hillary: Nope. Not extreme at all.

  Reply Delete
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  Report Sat Feb 9, 2013 - 1:48 am

  by  The Next Step

  hahaha, that's fantastic! I've actually never heard the term "catfishing" before - who in the world came up with that?!? It's so sad how manipulative people can be on the internet these days! I'm so glad I'm not in the online dating pool anymore, the water is getting funky!

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim Bongiorno on Sat Feb 9, 2013 at 3:10 am
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  Report Sat Feb 9, 2013 - 3:10 am

  by  Kim Bongiorno

  @The Next Step: I told my husband he can never die to become a total prick, because I could never date in the world today. It scares me.

  Reply Delete
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  Report Sat Feb 9, 2013 - 12:51 am

  by  Frugalista Blog

  Why are people so stupid? If you fall for an online lover, then I have a Prince in Uganda that needs $1 million. Elle MacPherson was pretty hot in the 80s. Still is. It would be tough not to fall for someone that looks like that.

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim Bongiorno on Sat Feb 9, 2013 at 3:09 am
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  Report Sat Feb 9, 2013 - 3:09 am

  by  Kim Bongiorno

  @Frugalista Blog: I've met her in person, so I understand the instinct to pounce on her. But...still. NO. Just say no.

  Reply Delete
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  Report Fri Feb 8, 2013 - 7:34 pm

  by  Toulouse

  Nice work, Kim. Apparently people really need this information. If you just can't get enough of this subject matter, here's The Top 10 Ways To Tell If You're Being Catfished. http://www.toulouseandtonic.com/the-top-10-ways-to-tell-if-youre-being-catfished/

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim Bongiorno on Sat Feb 9, 2013 at 3:08 am
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  Report Sat Feb 9, 2013 - 3:08 am

  by  Kim Bongiorno

  @Toulouse: People need to get edumacated on this. Its confusilating.

  Reply Delete
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  Report Fri Feb 8, 2013 - 7:09 pm

  by  JohnoMori

  When the Manti Te'o story broke, I had a feeling it was something fishy, but it was actually catfishy. Catchy. Good advice Kim. Of course, if you are looking for love at Notre Dame, you are THE star football player, BMOC, handsome, built like an Adonis and desperately sensitive hoping to shower a women in affection and thoughtful lovemaking, you could always show up at a frat party or a bar and probably do OK for yourself.

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim Bongiorno on Sat Feb 9, 2013 at 3:08 am
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  Report Sat Feb 9, 2013 - 3:08 am

  by  Kim Bongiorno

  @JohnoMori: Oh, but that seems way too easy. Getting entangled in a complicated cyber relationship and increasing your cell plan to unlimited minutes seems WAY more fun.

  Reply Delete
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  Report Fri Feb 8, 2013 - 6:39 pm

  by  Nicole Leigh Shaw

  Words to live, Tweet, and Facebook by. I'm not even us my kids are who they say they are, and I hatched them in my own body. Damn you Tuiasosopo!

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim Bongiorno on Sat Feb 9, 2013 at 3:07 am
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  Report Sat Feb 9, 2013 - 3:07 am

  by  Kim Bongiorno

  @Nicole Leigh Shaw: TRUST NO ONE.

  Reply Delete
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  Report Fri Feb 8, 2013 - 3:44 pm

  by  RHONDA LOUISE

  Hi Kim I love your writing. I think you are great. I think I love you. Would you like to meet up? My name is Rhonda, erm I mean Ronald. Here's a picture of me. Ironing my ballsack.

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim Bongiorno on Sat Feb 9, 2013 at 3:07 am
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  Report Sat Feb 9, 2013 - 3:07 am

  by  Kim Bongiorno

  @RHONDA LOUISE: Something tells me that you're not quite what you seem. Or we should get married. One of those.

  Reply Delete