Jan 09

When guest beds attack

Comments (6) by Dusty Earth Mother January 09, 2013 - 7:02 AM

Hope you all had a great holiday! And by "great," I mean "not fraught with family-visiting angst." Yes, ‘twas the season for relatives-hopping, surviving others' lives and homes with all their quirks and peccadilloes. If you live in the same state as Mom&Dad/Gran&Gramps/AuntMindy&WeirdBachelorCousinTed, you were able to drive over for dinner/gifting and head back home. But for those making a long trip, you surrendered yourself to the harrowing experience of...

The Guest Bed.

Guest beds speak volumes about the host. You wouldn't even have to meet my mother to know that she's fun, loving and eccentric; all you need do is sleep a night wrapped in her myriad mismatched blankets and giant pillows emblazoned with peace signs and Chicago White Sox logos. You would know that my sister works sixty-hour weeks and has a preteen daughter by the One Direction sheets that are still warm from being yanked out of the dryer moments before the guests arrive. And you would know that my cousin aspires to the Plaza by the mint on the pillow. A freakin' mint, y'all.

And then...there's my husband's family.

The first time I lay down on a bed in my mother-in-law's home, I felt like a sandwich being wrapped for someone's lunch, the crackling and crunching sounds were so loud. I yanked up the corner of the fitted sheet to reveal a plastic liner over the mattress, something I hadn't seen since 1972 when my little sister was struggling with bedwetting. After one night of tossing and turning on Saran Wrap, I stripped the bed like a wild sleepless animal and hid the offending plastic in a closet. At the time, I had no idea that PVC-love ran in the family. Until our recent Christmas trip to my brother-in-law's.

My BIL has a huge gorgeous house with a guest bedroom fit for a Queen. I excitedly put on my comfiest jammies, removed the nineteen silk throw pillows, slipped between the 1000 thread count sheets and--


Aghast, I pulled up the corner of the sheet to find the thickest slab of plastic I'd ever seen. And BIL was dead serious about protecting his possessions from offending bodily fluids-this was not a liner that one could confiscate in a sleepless rage, it was a solid synthetic swathe that encased the entire mattress like an ugly petrochemical womb.

Exhausted and beaten, I lay down on my cacophonous bier. Every time I moved, or even breathed, it sounded like I was snoozing in one of those SunChips biodegradable bags. Despairing, I looked over at my husband, flat out on the poisonous polyethylene, snoring away like a babe. Them's his people, after all.

I sincerely hope you all had a wonderful holiday and just remember, the season of love and forgiveness includes forgiveness for pull-out couches, inflatable mattresses, folding ottomans, sleeping bags and yes, even guest beds that sound like you're sleeping in a trash bag stuffed with dead leaves, pork rinds and bubble wrap. *yawn*

by Dusty Earth Mother January 09, 2013 - 7:02 AM

Comments (6)

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  • Report Sun Jan 13, 2013 - 11:50 am
    by  hillary
    Um...maybe he watched your BlogHer reading of that horrible event at Tori Spelling's house. You know the one ;) My MIL always has a plastic mattress pad because she swears she has hot flashes and is paranoid that it will stain her bed. But whenever I sleep on those things it makes ME SWEAT like crazy. It is so uncomfortable. I feel like I'm sleeping on top of a diaper. Yuck.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Dusty Earth Mother on Mon Jan 21, 2013 at 2:05 am
  • Report Mon Jan 21, 2013 - 2:05 am
    @hillary: Well, Hillary, welcome to my plastic world. And thank you for referencing my Tori Spelling nightmare. Ha! :-)
    Reply Delete
  • Report Thu Jan 10, 2013 - 8:17 pm
    by  lhewitt
    This makes me glad I did not go anywhere for the holidays. I really did not know people still did that.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Dusty Earth Mother on Thu Jan 10, 2013 at 10:00 pm
  • Report Thu Jan 10, 2013 - 10:00 pm
    @lhewitt: Stunning, isn't it? Such a great guy. Such a sad bed.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Jan 9, 2013 - 2:50 pm
    by  Angela
    Thanks for the reminder to remove the crunchy liner from my daughter's bed when my parents come visit this Spring! Although, it will have to stay on when my MIL and BIL visit in June, MIL's sharing the bed with the kiddo... Then again, the MIL tries to fry me by putting flannel sheets on her guest bed, my hubby is a FURNACE and I always end up sweating my way through the night, even though it's the coldest room in the house!
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Dusty Earth Mother on Wed Jan 9, 2013 at 7:43 pm
  • Report Wed Jan 9, 2013 - 7:43 pm
    @Angela: You see, Angela? All guest bed situations have backstory.
    Reply Delete

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