In The Powder Room

Oct 10

A mutt by any other designer name

Comments (19) by Nicole Leigh Shaw October 10, 2012 - 6:02 AM

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I came across a Chiweenie. I'm going to let you think about that. Is it a fashionable new, blended dog breed or a clay phallus on which you can rub wet Chia seeds and grow your very own Hairy Shaft?

I have a strong opinion about designer dogs that can be summed up in three words: It's a mutt.

Whoops, I probably just offended a Puggle owner. Alienated a Yorkiepoo lover. Pissed off a Shih Tzoodle momma. Bashed a Bagel eater. POed a Snickerdoodle baker. Don't be so sure those last two are foods; the world of designer dogs is so big and so trendy it may have taken over food-naming conventions by now.

I see wildly expensive versions of the kinds of dogs that are available at the local pound, sometimes for free, and I get skeptical. One thousand dollar dogs that are prone to hip dysplasia, eye disease, extreme halitosis, bowel problems, and severe dandruff compounded by inbreeding-just like their mixed-breed cousins at animal control? I can do math, so, no.

But then I get enterprising.

Big idea: I can adopt a bunch of mutts and sell them as designer dogs. Thanks for funding my retirement Houndmation! Hairless Scottie! Fajita!

I'm only a box van away from starting my own designer dog farm. That is, if I don't mind spending a day filling out affidavits vouching that I'll never use an electric fence or a tie-down, and that I will make myself available for KGB-style home visits all because of the adoption policies of an organization that has every intention of putting the leftover dogs to sleep if they remain un-adopted.

Fun Fact: "to sleep" doesn't mean "on a dog bed."

Wait, I can dream even bigger. I'll see your Chiweenie, local pet shop that gets its dogs from unreputable puppy mills and then sells them at outrageous prices, and raise you a Dr. Frankenstein. Looking for a Pekinese Parakeet? Maybe your family needs a Lop-Eared Harehund? Who wouldn't love a Pit Bull Python?

Better still, a dog that doubles as dinner. When he's done defending your home against burglars and being a faithful companion, the 110 pound Turkey Dane makes a Thanksgiving feast to remember.

Bon appetite! Just don't forget the rabies shots.

by Nicole Leigh Shaw October 10, 2012 - 6:02 AM

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Comments (19)

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  Report Fri Mar 15, 2013 - 2:52 pm

  by  sjlhxcpfkk

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  Report Wed Oct 10, 2012 - 4:32 pm

  by  JohnoMori

  I met a Double Doodle on the street the other day - Golden Doodle crossed with a Labradoodle. That really is approaching muttdom. My Rhodesian RIdgeback scoffed at the very site until I reminded him that his ancestors were a cross of the Dutch Hottentot and African wild dogs so what makes him any better? (all kidding aside, the puppy mill thing is the most disturbing result of the need for designer dogs).

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• 5 replies, Last reply by SEO on Fri Oct 12, 2012 at 11:38 am
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  Report Wed Oct 10, 2012 - 4:47 pm

  by  The Bearded Iris

  @JohnoMori: I accidentally bought a pet store puppy once when I was 22 and didn't know any better...Norwegian Elkhound. He was such a fucked up little dude. Ended up having to find a better home for him because I was not up to the task. So sad. I've gotten all my dogs from the Humane Society since then. They're the best deal in town. :)

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  Report Wed Oct 10, 2012 - 4:54 pm

  by  JohnoMori

  @The Bearded Iris: Obligatory Flounder compliment required when discussing "best" dogs. I am waiting... (so is Flounder).

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  Report Thu Oct 11, 2012 - 1:35 am

  by  The Bearded Iris

  @JohnoMori: Funny you should mention. I almost typed something about how much I love and covet Flounder, but I feel so dirty cheating on my Ike like that. (But just between you and me? My next dog is totally going to be a Rhodesian Ridgeback. Think I can find one in the bargain bin at the Humane Society?)

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  Report Wed Oct 10, 2012 - 6:34 pm

  by  Nicole Leigh Shaw

  @JohnoMori: That's some impressive marketing spin.

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  Report Fri Oct 12, 2012 - 11:38 am

  by  SEO

  @JohnoMori: halitosis, bowel problems, and severe dandruff compounded by inbreeding-just like their mixed-breed cousins at animal control? I can do math, so, no.

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  Report Thu Oct 11, 2012 - 7:42 pm

  by  hollow tree ventures

  I don't trust a dog that had better breeding than I do. Especially one that makes me hungry for fajitas.

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  Report Wed Oct 10, 2012 - 6:03 pm

  by  Allison Hart

  Thank you for putting so eloquently what I always just said, "Spending $1200 on a dog is mindbogglingly stupid and mean because there are great dogs at the pound just waiting to die!" to. My Goldendoodle owning other side of the conversation's response is, "But with a shelter dog, you don't know what you're going to get." Funny, coming from the very person who explained to me that when a Retriever fucks a Poodle, you never know what kind of Frankenpuppies will come out.

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• 6 replies, Last reply by JohnoMori on Wed Oct 10, 2012 at 7:46 pm
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  Report Wed Oct 10, 2012 - 6:38 pm

  by  Nicole Leigh Shaw

  @Allison Hart : I would love your Goldendoodle to pieces. I would. It's not the dogs I object to so much as my opinion that many of the deisgner dog breeders are charlatans and thieves. And I'm waaaay to cheap to invest in dogs like that. I have to save my puppy money for the surgeries, medicines, and other crap my mutts have cost me.

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  Report Wed Oct 10, 2012 - 6:51 pm

  by  Allison Hart

  @Nicole Leigh Shaw: It's not me who has a goldendoodle! I'm with you on this one. I know goldendoodle having people, and it's my conversations with them that go like that.

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  Report Wed Oct 10, 2012 - 6:57 pm

  by  Nicole Leigh Shaw

  @Allison Hart : Oh, Allison, whew!

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  Report Wed Oct 10, 2012 - 6:53 pm

  by  JohnoMori

  @Allison Hart : I appreciate anyone that gets a shelter dog, not nearly as much as the dog of course, but because one chooses a different route does not make them mindboggingly stupid and saying it makes them mean, well, that seems beyond a little harsh. People do it for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is knowing what you are getting. It also may be that they want to be involved in showing, breeding, coursing, whatever. Or, they just like Labs. We wanted a dog that fit our life which is hectic and for that reason we laid the bet (in the cost of the dog) to stack the odds in our favor that he will be as billed (knowing there are no sure bets when dealing with living things that have a brain). Puppy mills and people that are overproducing dogs for profit are the culprits. Not the people bringing a pet into their home that best suits them.

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  Report Wed Oct 10, 2012 - 6:58 pm

  by  Allison Hart

  @JohnoMori: I completely appreciate that everyone makes whatever choices are best for them. My point is that because a frankenpuppy is essentially a mutt, you don't really know what you're going to get anyway. Are the golden traits or the poodle traits going to dominate? And which traits from which breed? Actually, my point is that I think it's stupid and mean to spend so much money on it when other dogs are on death row. You are entitled to your purebred dog, and I'm entitled to disagree with your choice. (This is for pets, not show dogs or breeding purposes which obviously require specific breeds.)

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  Report Wed Oct 10, 2012 - 7:46 pm

  by  JohnoMori

  @Allison Hart : "I'm entitled to disagree with your choice." - Indeed you are.

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  Report Wed Oct 10, 2012 - 7:25 pm

  by  Janie Emaus

  They all sound like mutts to me, too. I'll go to the pound anyday and rescue a dog, thank you very much.

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  Report Wed Oct 10, 2012 - 5:53 pm

  by  lhewitt

  Hey Nicole, Amen. I live in an apartment complex, so I get to watch these little mutants being walked/dragged by their humans. Inbreed stupid mutts. Your breeds sound much more interesting. Much more.

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• 2 replies, Last reply by lhewitt on Wed Oct 10, 2012 at 7:18 pm
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  Report Wed Oct 10, 2012 - 6:36 pm

  by  Nicole Leigh Shaw

  @lhewitt: I love those dogs, I really do. They are cute and it's oh-so-appealing to have a dog that is smart like a poodle is touted to be and non-shedding, to boot, while having all the charm of a golden retriever. But I suspect that the allure of making dolla dolla bills on these designer dogs brings out a lot of shady breeders.

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  Report Wed Oct 10, 2012 - 7:18 pm

  by  lhewitt

  @Nicole Leigh Shaw: Yes, exactly. I don't hate the dogs (much). The shady breeders should be made to live in their own mills.

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