Oops, I shit on your friends
I had been dating a guy for several months in college, and it was becoming time to define our relationship.
I liked him.
But I wasn't totally sure how he felt about me. I considered him my boyfriend, but I was too nervous to ask him about his feelings. It was getting to the point where I really needed to either let myself fall completely in love with him - or get the message to move on.
I agonized over how to confront him and exactly what I wanted to say. I got advice from friends. I stayed up at night thinking about it. I wrote drunken love poems in my journal.
But I ended up not having to have a talk with him at all.
Instead - I took a giant shit on several of his friends.
It was a true test for our young relationship.
Just a few hours prior to having explosive diarrhea on his friends, I did several shots of vodka with a friend, then we went to a party where I met up with my boyfriend, drank some more and proceeded to pass out.
As his friends carried my dead weight down a flight of stairs and out of the house - I lost control and shit my pants.
Have you ever had a child poop up their back - almost to their neck? Yup - it was kind of like that (or so I was told).
And God love them - not a single person dropped me.
I'm sure my boyfriend wanted to run in the other direction. Instead, he took me straight to the hospital where they gave me fluids until I sobered up. Then they sent me home with my "soiled" clothes in a bag - wearing nothing but my hospital gown.
The next morning, I had the embarrassing task of apologizing to my boyfriend and his friends. And calling my mom to tell her what had happened - and to explain the hospital bill she would soon be receiving.
I learned a lot from that night.
1. Vodka is not my friend - nor is binge drinking.
2. My boyfriend was a total keeper. (I married him a few years later.)
3. His friends are fairly discreet. (Luckily, Facebook hadn't been invented yet.)
4. Pooping on the delivery room table is not as bad as pooping on a bunch of fraternity guys.
5. When you're a teenager, starting a conversation with, "Mom, I'm pregnant," is a great way to make it seem like what you really did isn't so bad.
6. The Gap has a great return policy. You can even return jeans after they've been shat on and washed a million times. (As long as you only wore them once.)