Aug 08
 |
Oops, I shit on your friends
I had been dating a guy for several months in college, and it was becoming time to define our relationship.
I liked him.
A lot.
But I wasn't totally sure how he felt about me. I considered him my boyfriend, but I was too nervous to ask him about his feelings. It was getting to the point where I really needed to either let myself fall completely in love with him - or get the message to move on.
I agonized over how to confront him and exactly what I wanted to say. I got advice from friends. I stayed up at night thinking about it. I wrote drunken love poems in my journal.
But I ended up not having to have a talk with him at all.
Instead - I took a giant shit on several of his friends.
It was a true test for our young relationship.
Just a few hours prior to having explosive diarrhea on his friends, I did several shots of vodka with a friend, then we went to a party where I met up with my boyfriend, drank some more and proceeded to pass out.
As his friends carried my dead weight down a flight of stairs and out of the house - I lost control and shit my pants.
Have you ever had a child poop up their back - almost to their neck? Yup - it was kind of like that (or so I was told).
And God love them - not a single person dropped me.
I'm sure my boyfriend wanted to run in the other direction. Instead, he took me straight to the hospital where they gave me fluids until I sobered up. Then they sent me home with my "soiled" clothes in a bag - wearing nothing but my hospital gown.
The next morning, I had the embarrassing task of apologizing to my boyfriend and his friends. And calling my mom to tell her what had happened - and to explain the hospital bill she would soon be receiving.
I learned a lot from that night.
1. Vodka is not my friend - nor is binge drinking.
2. My boyfriend was a total keeper. (I married him a few years later.)
3. His friends are fairly discreet. (Luckily, Facebook hadn't been invented yet.)
4. Pooping on the delivery room table is not as bad as pooping on a bunch of fraternity guys.
5. When you're a teenager, starting a conversation with, "Mom, I'm pregnant," is a great way to make it seem like what you really did isn't so bad.
6. The Gap has a great return policy. You can even return jeans after they've been shat on and washed a million times. (As long as you only wore them once.)
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Comments (76)
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Report Tue Feb 19, 2013 - 9:23 pmwoohoooooo this is funnyReply -
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Thu Feb 14, 2013 - 10:28 am
uhm, I uhm. Well, we have a winner here. This is by far entertaining and disturbing on all levels. Way to go Even Steven.Reply -
Report Mon Dec 24, 2012 - 10:23 pmHow did I miss this one? When I read the title, I thought you were speaking metaphorically. Nope. You shit on them! Anna, may I recommend a good GI doctor, considering you seem to have a number of stories about pooping yourself?Reply
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Report Tue Aug 21, 2012 - 6:59 pmI don't think I've ever told anyone this story but now I feel like I should share... I had been on Weight Watchers for a while when I went to a salad bar with one of my girlfriends. I splurged on a ton of fatty cheeses and ice cream. By the time I got to my car, I knew things were not going to turn out well but I didn't want to wreck the Sweet Tomato's bathroom and I was sure I could make it to the safety and comfort of my home toilet. I as wrong. Luckily I was living in Florida at the time and had a beach towel in the backseat in case of sandy, wet feet or whatever. I grabbed it and sat on it for the approaching storm. As I ran in to the house, past my newly wed husband with a towel wrapped around my waist I decided to never, ever tell him what happened. Especially because he won't even let me pee with the bathroom door open! Luckily I did not poop on the delivery table either time or he may not have been able to look me in the eyes ever again...Reply
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Report Fri Aug 17, 2012 - 11:26 pmwhoa! Can I say Holy Shit balls? and not be punny? That is horrible and spectacular. Thanks for sharing. Good man there, good man.Reply
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Thu Aug 16, 2012 - 12:20 am
I knew love was blind, but did not know it also lacks a sense of smell.Reply -
Report Wed Aug 15, 2012 - 11:30 pmMy feet were pissed on once. I married him,too.Reply
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Wed Aug 8, 2012 - 8:32 pm
It is disturbing how much I love this piece, and how much I love that your husband was cool with all the shitting and stuff. He's a keeper.Reply -
2 replies, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Wed Aug 15, 2012 at 6:30 pm
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Report Wed Aug 8, 2012 - 4:54 pmLOL...you are sooooo lucky Facebook hadn't been invented yet. Even Steven is obviously an even better guy than we originally guessed.Reply
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2 replies, Last reply by Melissa on Mon Aug 13, 2012 at 8:21 pm
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Report Wed Aug 8, 2012 - 7:04 pmAm I the only one who's concerned that you returned a pair of jeans that you shit in!?! Hilarious until that point but wow.Reply
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3 replies, Last reply by Melissa on Mon Aug 13, 2012 at 8:18 pm
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Report Thu Aug 9, 2012 - 7:45 amAnna, ima love you 4eva for telling this story. Friend, the man whose friends you shit on and marries you any way is, you're sooo right, a keeper.Reply
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3 replies, Last reply by Anna @ My Life and Kids on Sat Aug 11, 2012 at 8:21 pm
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Report Thu Aug 9, 2012 - 12:42 amGreat story. I have a similar one, Picture it: Walmart. 38 y/o. Four kids with me ages 1, 3, 6 and 9. White shorts. The Urge while in fabric dept. Running madley to restroom, leaving kids behind. In the stall discovering that these underwear could not be saved. Slipping a stranger $10 bill under the stall. Asking her to go get my kids and buy me some underwear. Did I say asking a stranger (unseen) to go get my unattended kids? Yes, I did. Fortunately, my kids and new underwear arrived about 30 minutes later. Lord, have mercy.Reply
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5 replies, Last reply by sparkling74 on Fri Aug 10, 2012 at 6:22 pm
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Report Thu Aug 9, 2012 - 7:33 pmI laughed so much I almost pee'd my pants. Even Stephen is a keeper and so are his frat buddies!Reply
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Report Thu Aug 9, 2012 - 3:17 amOh.My.Shit. This is hilarious!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Anna @ My Life and Kids on Thu Aug 9, 2012 at 4:23 am
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Report Thu Aug 9, 2012 - 2:34 amOh. oh. oh. Ok, now I understand all of the disclaimers. You poor thing! But props to your hubby! What an awesome guy to take care of you like that. He got to prove himself before you were on the birthing table, and yah, I would take pooping in the doctor's face (which I did) over frat guys any day. Oh me oh my.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Anna @ My Life and Kids on Thu Aug 9, 2012 at 3:02 am
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Report Thu Aug 9, 2012 - 1:20 amOh my gosh, Anna. That reminds me of a friend's story about a college acquaintance who drank to much at a fraternity house, got confused in the night, and peed all over the guys' cd rack. I laughed (ruefully!) at your story and I am quite sure your husband was a huge keeper!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Anna @ My Life and Kids on Thu Aug 9, 2012 at 3:01 am
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Report Thu Aug 9, 2012 - 12:25 amOMG, that almost could have been me! And reading this, now, almost made me wet my pants! Keep the stories coming ( and I will make sure I have on my Poise Pads, lol ! )Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Anna @ My Life and Kids on Thu Aug 9, 2012 at 3:00 am
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Report Wed Aug 8, 2012 - 11:14 pmYou are one hilarious gal...but we knew that didn't we? I'm sure we can find a place in your book for this! (yes people, Anna will be writing a book when her kids are all in school!).Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Anna @ My Life and Kids on Thu Aug 9, 2012 at 2:59 am
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Report Wed Aug 8, 2012 - 8:25 pmlove it! now when my baby has poop all the way up to her neck, i will think of you!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Anna @ My Life and Kids on Wed Aug 8, 2012 at 9:34 pm
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Report Wed Aug 8, 2012 - 8:04 pmI would have dropped you that's for sure.Brave very brave to tell it. Once again you are so hilarious. I enjoy your blog so much.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Anna @ My Life and Kids on Wed Aug 8, 2012 at 9:34 pm
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Report Wed Aug 8, 2012 - 8:03 pmSo proud of your for sharing!!! Hilarious story, I think your mother-in-law would actually appreciate it. It shows what an awesome son she has!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Anna @ My Life and Kids on Wed Aug 8, 2012 at 9:34 pm
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Report Wed Aug 8, 2012 - 7:58 pmTotal keeper. That's love, baby!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Anna @ My Life and Kids on Wed Aug 8, 2012 at 9:33 pm
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Report Wed Aug 8, 2012 - 7:33 pmShit happens.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Anna @ My Life and Kids on Wed Aug 8, 2012 at 9:30 pm
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Wed Aug 8, 2012 - 7:23 pm
Funny way to start my morning!Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Anna @ My Life and Kids on Wed Aug 8, 2012 at 9:30 pm
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Report Wed Aug 8, 2012 - 7:13 pmSo you sand-blasted those jeans yourself?Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Anna @ My Life and Kids on Wed Aug 8, 2012 at 9:30 pm
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Report Wed Aug 8, 2012 - 6:35 pmBAHAHAHA I love everything about this story! (And I'm surprised that frat boys would be so understanding and not drop you!) Love, love, LOVE this.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Anna @ My Life and Kids on Wed Aug 8, 2012 at 9:30 pm
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Report Wed Aug 8, 2012 - 6:21 pmOh, honey. God. I thought it was bad when I puked on my future-mother-in-law's stairs and she had to clean it up. You win the embarrassment contest hands (pants?) down.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Anna @ My Life and Kids on Wed Aug 8, 2012 at 9:29 pm
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Report Wed Aug 8, 2012 - 6:14 pmSo funny -- thanks for sharing!! I actually think stories like this are better than fluff...makes us all realize we are all human. And hey, everybody poops!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Anna @ My Life and Kids on Wed Aug 8, 2012 at 9:29 pm
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Report Wed Aug 8, 2012 - 6:10 pmCan't stop laughing...This is the best story ever and something you can definitely pass on to your children and grandchildren. When they are older, of course.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Anna @ My Life and Kids on Wed Aug 8, 2012 at 9:28 pm
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Report Wed Aug 8, 2012 - 5:57 pmThat is THE best story ever. E-V-E-R. EVER EVER EVER!! and what a total keeper Even Steven is or was or is or whatever-you-get-my-point. And his friends--true gentlemen. Seriously, the best story ever.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Anna @ My Life and Kids on Wed Aug 8, 2012 at 9:28 pm
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Report Wed Aug 8, 2012 - 5:56 pmHahahahaha. All I can picture is myself in that situation, being carried by my hubs fraternity brothers. Awesome. I shit my shorts while running one time. It was horrible. My parents witnessed some of the aftermath. Probably the most humiliating story of my life. Don't you love that people will be pouring out their pants pooping stories to you now? Open door! :)Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Anna @ My Life and Kids on Wed Aug 8, 2012 at 9:28 pm
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Report Wed Aug 8, 2012 - 5:55 pmOMG, 1. You are the bravest, coolest woman I know! 2. Even Steven = best guy EVER. 3. The lessons we learn in youth are priceless! Yea for higher learning! :)Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Anna @ My Life and Kids on Wed Aug 8, 2012 at 9:27 pm
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Wed Aug 8, 2012 - 5:45 pm
Wow just wow - and I am sorry I am laughing.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Anna @ My Life and Kids on Wed Aug 8, 2012 at 9:27 pm
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Report Wed Aug 8, 2012 - 5:22 pmSo, maybe a test all relationships should go through? Proved effective--and informative. I will now only wear Gap jeans for all future loss-of-control-of-my-bowels incidents.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Anna @ My Life and Kids on Wed Aug 8, 2012 at 9:26 pm
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Report Wed Aug 8, 2012 - 4:29 pmOK, that made my morning. Also, I tried that "Mom, I'm pregnant.. Na, I just...." but it still didn't go over very well. Lol Glad you married him, because I know TONS of guys that would have bolted and never looked back.. at the shat. Ahem.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Anna @ My Life and Kids on Wed Aug 8, 2012 at 9:25 pm
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Report Wed Aug 8, 2012 - 4:23 pmHoly crap, literally! That is hilarious and totally belongs in some teen movie! I could not imagine ever having to face one of those guys again!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Anna @ My Life and Kids on Wed Aug 8, 2012 at 9:24 pm
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Report Wed Aug 8, 2012 - 3:41 pmOMG Anna!!! You are so freakin hilarious!!! But seriously I would have died!!!!!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Anna @ My Life and Kids on Wed Aug 8, 2012 at 9:24 pm
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