Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition
Am I the only one who has to go through the Spanish Inquisition with the Hubs whenever I want to leave the house by myself?
Every Tuesday night for five years I have had a standing date with my moms' group. Every Tuesday I announce around 4 PM: "Don't forget, today is Tuesday. I'll be gone tonight. You're in charge of dinner."
Every Tuesday at 4:05 PM, I get the following response: "Really? You're going out? Again? Didn't you just go last week?"
"Yes. It's every Tuesday," I sigh.
"Must be niiiiice. Well, what are you guys going to do? Anything fun?"
I don't know what the deal is. I don't know why it makes a difference if I'm going to have fun or not, but it does. So, I tend to reply: "No, we're all getting bikini waxes and root canals. Should be horrible, but I'm the one who organized this particular GNO, so I'm expected to go and take the first shot of Novocain."
"Ohh. OK. What time will you be back?"
"Whenever the professionals say it's safe to drive. Better plan on late."
Even if I told him the truth, I doubt my Tuesday nights would sound fun to him. Especially the ones where we're having a round table discussion about the secrets of potty training or an expert extreme couponer tells us how to get an extra 30 cents off milk from Target (actually, he would have liked that couponing one).
Unfortunately, this line of questioning is not just reserved for Tuesday nights. It seems like I have to play "20 Questions" every time I'd like to leave the house without at least one child in tow or, preferably, both.
"Where are you going?"
"What time will you be back?"
"What do we need at the store?"
"How much will you spend?"
"What am I supposed to do with the kids while you're gone?"
There are the few times I would like to go to the fucking grocery store by myself. I would like to go in the daylight hours when normal people shop (not after 10 PM like the Hubs would prefer). I would like to go and walk the aisles in peace and get everything on my list without anyone pestering me for Krave cereal (WTF is that stuff anyway??) and toys.
My responses are typically:
"We need milk. And cereal."
"Probably fifty dollars, because you're not allowed to leave unless you spend at least fifty bucks."
"Just keep them alive."
And then I get the dreaded: "I think we should all go."
The Hubs thinks it's a great idea for ALL of us to go to the store together...like a family outing. This is fun for no one - except maybe the Hubs. He loves to be together. Only we never are, because he always has some special item he's looking for, so he ditches me with the kids melting down in the cereal aisle while he goes searching.
I don't even know why I bother trying to go out alone. It always ends the same way. Me saying: "Never mind. You ruined it. You go to the fucking store and take the kids. I'll stay home and enjoy the peace and quiet of you guys being gone."