Jul 18

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition

Comments (34) by Jen of PIWTPITT July 18, 2012 - 6:01 AM

Am I the only one who has to go through the Spanish Inquisition with the Hubs whenever I want to leave the house by myself? 

Every Tuesday night for five years I have had a standing date with my moms' group. Every Tuesday I announce around 4 PM: "Don't forget, today is Tuesday. I'll be gone tonight.  You're in charge of dinner."

Every Tuesday at 4:05 PM, I get the following response: "Really?  You're going out?  Again? Didn't you just go last week?"

"Yes. It's every Tuesday," I sigh.

"Must be niiiiice. Well, what are you guys going to do? Anything fun?"

I don't know what the deal is. I don't know why it makes a difference if I'm going to have fun or not, but it does. So, I tend to reply: "No, we're all getting bikini waxes and root canals. Should be horrible, but I'm the one who organized this particular GNO, so I'm expected to go and take the first shot of Novocain."

"Ohh. OK. What time will you be back?"

"Whenever the professionals say it's safe to drive. Better plan on late."

Even if I told him the truth, I doubt my Tuesday nights would sound fun to him. Especially the ones where we're having a round table discussion about the secrets of potty training or an expert extreme couponer tells us how to get an extra 30 cents off milk from Target (actually, he would have liked that couponing one). 

Unfortunately, this line of questioning is not just reserved for Tuesday nights. It seems like I have to play "20 Questions" every time I'd like to leave the house without at least one child in tow or, preferably, both.

"Where are you going?"

"What time will you be back?"

"What do we need at the store?" 

"How much will you spend?" 

"What am I supposed to do with the kids while you're gone?"


There are the few times I would like to go to the fucking grocery store by myself. I would like to go in the daylight hours when normal people shop (not after 10 PM like the Hubs would prefer). I would like to go and walk the aisles in peace and get everything on my list without anyone pestering me for Krave cereal (WTF is that stuff anyway??) and toys. 

​My responses are typically: 

"Wal-Mart."

"Not sure."

"We need milk. And cereal."

"Probably fifty dollars, because you're not allowed to leave unless you spend at least fifty bucks."

"Just keep them alive." 

And then I get the dreaded: "I think we should all go."

The Hubs thinks it's a great idea for ALL of us to go to the store together...like a family outing. This is fun for no one - except maybe the Hubs. He loves to be together. Only we never are, because he always has some special item he's looking for, so he ditches me with the kids melting down in the cereal aisle while he goes searching. 

I don't even know why I bother trying to go out alone. It always ends the same way. Me saying: "Never mind. You ruined it. You go to the fucking store and take the kids. I'll stay home and enjoy the peace and quiet of you guys being gone."

by Jen of PIWTPITT July 18, 2012 - 6:01 AM

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Comments (34)

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  • Report Wed Jul 18, 2012 - 5:59 pm
    by  lhewitt
    Hey Jen, Laughing. laughing, laughing. Nailed it. Male amnesia. It is a constant source of irritation and annoyance. I am sure they do it on purpose, and cannot be convinced otherwise, so I ignore it. It is a such a time suck. The fucking grocery store. That should be they name of every grocery store. That is exactly what I say -"I am going to the fucking grocery store." It is not family quality time!!! Oh, and then calls to see "if you are alright". WTF?
    Reply Delete
  • 2 replies, Last reply by Kristen Mae on Mon Jul 30, 2012 at 12:36 am
  • Report Sat Jul 28, 2012 - 8:51 pm
    by  Karen
    @lhewitt: HAHA! @ "Are you alright?" No, I'm not alright! The white bread has had enough of wheat's radical insurgency! There's been a riot! Peanut butter tear gas everywhere! Call 911! Or the constant texts when I'm out with my friends. "Worried about you. When will you be home?" Like I can't translate THAT into, "I'm bored and lonely. Please come home now."
    Reply Delete
  • Report Mon Jul 30, 2012 - 12:36 am
    @Karen: Once when I woke up early in the morning to run a 5K, and then decided to stop by the grocery store on the way home (by myself: HALLELUJAH!!) and walking out of the grocery store I received the following text: "???" Yeah. We got in a super-huge fight which ended with him apologizing profusely for being a douche. :)
    Reply Delete
  • Report Sat Jul 28, 2012 - 9:07 pm
    by  Sherri
    My hubs finally learned that if I take the kids with me, I spend twice as much as I normally would, am angry for the rest of the day/night/millenium, and don't get everything we need (i.e. I seem to always forget his favorite lunch meat or beer). It took awhile, but I think he's finally gotten a clue. Now he just says "Okay. Call if you need anything."
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Kristen Mae on Mon Jul 30, 2012 at 12:33 am
  • Report Mon Jul 30, 2012 - 12:33 am
    @Sherri: Duly noted. Implement "Operation Angry & Forgetful" starting... NOW!
    Reply Delete
  • Report Mon Jul 30, 2012 - 12:31 am
    It is just embarrassing how much I can relate to this. LOVE Katie's comment!!
    Reply Delete
  • Report Sun Jul 29, 2012 - 1:31 am
    by  Amy L
    I get this same thing, other than him suggesting we all go. He hates to go shopping with the kids ever. What happens every time is I am sent by myself with at least one or more of the kids(we have 4). The extra annoying part of that is I do not drive and he does. This means I am now walking for half an hour to the store with kids, I wanted the time alone and am almost always denied it unless as you said I go at like 10 at night. I do not understand it either since he gets frequent times away from the kids and I do not. But best I can tell that is most men for you.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Sun Jul 29, 2012 - 12:04 am
    by  Catherine
    And why is that any time I'm going out with my friends (and those times are few and far between) he just *happens* to have to work late?! And why is it he can just pop out to the stores to do "errands" for 2 hours every weekend and it's no big deal (i.e., no Spanish Inquisition)?!
    Reply Delete
  • Report Sat Jul 28, 2012 - 10:41 pm
    by  katie
    My husband likes to do the family outing thing too. I learned to ask what he is looking for and head there first. Well he is looking at that I walk off and shop leaving him with the kids.Needless to say the family outings have stopped and I now shop alone.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Sat Jul 28, 2012 - 9:25 pm
    by  Laurie
    I guess I'm just the minority here. My husband grocery shops (he found he saves money and time if he does it), I rarely have to take kids with me anywhere if I don't want (even during the day, he can take my 9 year old with him to work if needed), and he usually doesn't question where I'm going, been, or bought (ok, sometimes what I've bought but only bc I have a closet full of clothes with tags still on and I'm bringing home new clothes). My friends always tell me I am super lucky to have the husband that I do. I find it annoying sometimes, that he is so laid back and lackadaisical.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Thu Jul 19, 2012 - 6:33 am
    by  Ninja Mom
    Oh, the joy of a grocery store trip alone, in the daylight. Not like the Vampire Mom of Suburbia, destined to check labels for trans fats by night and to grope her way to the coffee maker by day. FUCKING NO. That's bullshit living, friend. I say we rise up, right after dinner one night, en masse like a flash mob that, instead of "mobbing," does this predetermined solo thing?, anyway, we just fucking leave. No words need be exchanged with the Hubs. No memos about estimated time of departure or return. Not even a tip of the head in the direction of the by-now-bewildered spouse. We just go buy the Krave (it's like a chocolate-stuffed mini wheat, but made of hay threads and failure) by ourselves. We stop and sample the cheese the thoughtful deli guy left out. We squeeze kiwis and thump melons or whatever one does to test fruit for freshness. Then we put that down and pick out candy we actually want to eat —no sour sugar straws in Electric Star Fruit.. And we open that six-pack of full-size chocolate bars and eat it right there in the aisle. They are, after all, grown men, our spouses. Men whose penises or signatures on the adoption papers make them legally responsible for the children still at home arguing over who should have gotten the last chicken nugget and whether tonight's bed time entertainment should be Cat in the Hat or Fancy Nancy and the Dazzling Book Report. They can handle this shit. Or die trying. I'm thinking 6:48 EST tomorrow. How's that for the rest of you?
    Reply Delete
  • 2 replies, Last reply by Sherri on Sat Jul 28, 2012 at 9:12 pm
  • Report Tue Jul 24, 2012 - 9:05 pm
    @Ninja Mom: Squeezing kiwi and thumping melons sounds naughty. Count me in!
    Reply Delete
  • Report Sat Jul 28, 2012 - 9:12 pm
    by  Sherri
    @Ninja Mom: I am so in. And when they smell the chocolate on our breath and ask "Where's mine?", we smile sweetly and say "At the fucking store. You can go get some AFTER the kids are in bed."
    Reply Delete
  • Report Sat Jul 28, 2012 - 8:56 pm
    by  joanne
    so true. he can go out whenever he pleases, sometimes without telling me, but I can't go out without clearing it with him first or taking both kids with me. with groceries, he'll actually volunteer to go, but he'll never take the kids (not even one) so then I'm stuck at home with them anyway while they fight and trash the house.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Sat Jul 28, 2012 - 8:33 pm
    by  D'Anne
    I don't tell my husband I'm doing anything other than "going to buy groceries" but I then tell our children (ages 15 and 11) to take care of their father (age 49!) because "he really doesn't know where we keep anything, so he needs your help." Kids think it's funny that they are dad-sitting and are thrilled they don't have to go to the store; husband just tells them to get him a soft drink and leave him alone with his beloved remote control.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Sat Jul 28, 2012 - 8:29 pm
    by  Lanie
    My husband doesn't do this anymore. I think he finally realized just how close I was to a complete meltdown of my own. He also doesn't care for my mood when I get back from the store with the kids. One hour in Walmart with them and I'm an angry bitch for the rest of the day. Better for all parties if he just smiles and says, "Okay, baby. Have fun."
    Reply Delete
  • Report Sat Jul 28, 2012 - 8:27 pm
    by  Courtney
    My husband asks the same questions with a different intent, really no eye rolling. He usually encouages me to get out with friends. Not weekly but monthly. When he askes when will you be back, iit is not becuase I am an errant teen but he wants to know when to start worrying. He read an article in my Cosmo Mag about being safe on GNO and has never been the same.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Sat Jul 28, 2012 - 8:23 pm
    by  KP
    I have that problem without kids! I dread the question "Do you want me to go with you?". There is no right answer: yes, then I'm unhappy and don't really get to do what I want, no, and his feelings are hurt and thinks I'm mad at him. I actually found myself explaining my need for "alone time" just this morning. He still doesn't get it. *sigh*
    Reply Delete
  • Report Sat Jul 28, 2012 - 8:17 pm
    by  Jen
    Can I just say how ROCKIN' AWESOME it is that I'm not the only one who gets this?
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Jen on Sat Jul 28, 2012 at 8:20 pm
  • Report Sat Jul 28, 2012 - 8:20 pm
    by  Jen
    @Jen: Oh yeah, and I also get how it shouldn't be a problem to take them all along with me since they're 15, 12, and 9 - in other words, "older and wiser". Nuh uh. Whenever I'm out with the kids, the only time one of them isn't lost or separated from the herd in some way is when we walk through the doors and when we leave. Even then it's iffy.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Sat Jul 28, 2012 - 8:16 pm
    My husband doesn't do any of this. But he had to be trained, honestly. The first few times he interrogated me about an outing, I allowed it. Then I decided that I should announce I'm leaving and that I will be back by midnight...and then walk out the door. It's been two years and he now just tells me to have fun--But by now he's had plenty of alone time with the kids. When you don't have grandparents around, Daddy has to step up or else.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Sat Jul 28, 2012 - 8:12 pm
    by  teapea12
    do we have the same husband? I could have written this article! And then when I get home I get the dreaded "what took you so long?'
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Jul 24, 2012 - 9:01 pm
    What am I supposed to do with them? I love it when my husband says that to me. Um... I think the only requirement is you don't let them kill each other. Do they think we have an hour by hour activity planner for the kids?
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Jul 24, 2012 - 7:47 pm
    My husband likes us all to be together, too. What the HELL is THAT all about?? When the girl across the street finally got old enough for me to toss her a few bucks so I could grocery shop alone during daylight, I danced a frigging jig. Maybe even two.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Thu Jul 19, 2012 - 7:11 am
    So true. So funny.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Jul 18, 2012 - 11:14 pm
    by  AM
    THIS: The Hubs thinks it's a great idea for ALL of us to go to the store together...like a family outing. This is fun for no one - except maybe the Hubs. He loves to be together. Only we never are, because he always has some special item he's looking for, so he ditches me with the kids melting down in the cereal aisle while he goes searching. "WTF Hubs? This was your dumb idea, now get back here!" Me every Saturday at Target. Sigh.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Gigi_E on Thu Jul 19, 2012 at 1:12 am
  • Report Thu Jul 19, 2012 - 1:12 am
    by  Gigi_E
    @AM: Totally with you. Exactly the same here! Why are they SO in our faces???!
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Jul 18, 2012 - 11:32 pm
    by  crystal
    omg i think we must be married to the same man!! seems like if i have to go out to do something, even if its for the house, i get the same thing. like im leaving for a week. Whenever the girls and I get together for an evening or better for me yet, an overniter, he makes it soo dramatic like noone has ever been left alone with kids before. please.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Jul 18, 2012 - 11:31 pm
    You are not alone. Whenever I go out my husband asks w/o fail when I'll be back. Two in the morning, what do you think? When am I ever out past 10:00? Meanwhile he doesn't feel the need to keep me abreast of his whereabouts or his comings and goings - when he's on business trips or has work events.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Jul 18, 2012 - 11:13 pm
    Aaaarghhhh, that really takes me back. My first husband did that all - the - time, but he never wanted to go with us, and somehow I ended up taking the kids with me. It was pointless to try to get a GNO, but even when I had friends over to the house I was still in charge of watching the kids. I guess should have realized there was going to be a problem when I noticed he was referring to watching his own kids as "babysitting." ;) Whew, sorry for the rant - all I meant to say was, "Great post!"
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Jul 18, 2012 - 11:13 pm
    by  Lyn
    Yes. That elusive specialty item the hubs has to search for during every trip. W/out the cart full 'o kids.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Jul 18, 2012 - 11:03 pm
    OMG - that was my father! I was never surprised when my mother would throw a coffee mug at his head... a couple times.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Jul 18, 2012 - 8:45 pm
    I thank God the kids are all old enough to stay home by themselves now. I used to go grocery shopping at 10pm all the time. Ugh, the darkness of motherhood.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Jul 18, 2012 - 3:57 pm
    Stay strong. Don't give in. It's like dog training. Find a way and stick to it. Don't give up your freedom. May the force be with you xxx
    Reply Delete

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