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Watching from the sidelines
by Every Thursday morning I stand at the fence of my grandchildren's elementary school, watching the kids play. Now, if I wasn't a middle aged woman, pushing a stroller, I could be mistaken as a perverted stalker. Well, I guess I could still be suspected as being one in disguise.
But I'm not a pervert (at least when it comes to children) and as for stalker, although part of the definition of this word does include repeated watching (which I am engaging in), I'm not doing so in order to harass or form a relationship.
No, I'm just observing them at play. And what mother among us, has not stood at the sidelines watching her child in action?
Our hearts swell with joy when we see them in the center of a crowd, laughing and playing. And it breaks into a million pieces if we see them standing on the outside of a circle, waiting, hoping to be to asked to join in the game.
At that moment it doesn't matter why they are being excluded. Perhaps they were mean to those kids earlier in the day. Or perhaps they are just too shy to move outside of themselves for fear of being rejected. Whatever the reason, we hurt for them with a pain that goes beyond words.
The maternal instinct runs deep. It starts the day we learn we are going to have a baby and lasts forever.
I can't tell you how many times, my daughter has called me with tears in her voice. Her ex-husband is taking her back to court. She had a fight with her husband. Her son is out-of-control.
We'll talk the situation through and say goodbye. But now her pain has become mine and I usually find myself filled with anxiety and worry until our next conversation.
At which time, I'll ask how she's doing and she usually says she is perfectly fine. What about that fight from yesterday? The one I've been working over in my mind all night? Oh that, she'll say. It's fine. And with those words, my heart eases up.
Although, it would have been nice to get a phone call as soon as she was feeling better.
But then, I'm just her mother. Just being the operative word.
We mothers are there for our children to lean on, and learn from.
We lay the foundation. Teach them right from wrong, knowing they won't always do the right thing.
And sometimes we just have to stand at the fence and watch.
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Comments (26)
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Report Wed Feb 15, 2012 - 1:09 amWell said as usual Janie.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Janie Emaus on Thu Feb 16, 2012 at 7:02 am
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Report Mon Feb 13, 2012 - 12:08 amJanie, you know what our problem is? We care too much. I know how you feel and we have to remember, our mothers went through the same thing. We all have a person we go to unburden. It is like that book, Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. The one thing we need to learn is to let go of the information we just received as soon as we received it. It will keep you healthy of mind and spirit. She knows she can come to you, you know she will be fine tomorrow.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Janie Emaus on Mon Feb 13, 2012 at 12:33 am
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Report Thu Feb 9, 2012 - 3:50 pmBeing a grandma is sooo much fun. Best of both worlds...but the hurts are doubled. However, considering I'm older now and a big softie those hurts can be excruciating. Still, I appreciated what was said about letting them grow by handling their problems. Doesn't stop me from those anxiety-moments but prayer is a powerful tool. Great post!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Janie Emaus on Thu Feb 9, 2012 at 4:08 pm
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Report Thu Feb 9, 2012 - 6:06 amJanie - you're making my gut clinch. As mothers, sometimes we have to step back and let life play out for our children. It is the hardest thing in the world to do. My daughter was fine starting kindergarten. Two years later, when I took my son to kindergarten, I hung around, thinking he might need me. After about five minutes the teacher looked at me and said, "He says it's okay for you to go home now." I waited until I got to the car to cry for both kids breaking out of the nest. When my daughter was nineteen, she went away to collete, and when my son was eighteen, he enlisted in the Army. Letting go is the toughest thing a mother has to do. I get sick to my stomach when I read out misguided mother's stepping in and taking over their kids' battles on facebook etc. Not cool, Moms. Our kids need to deal with their own problems - within reason, of course. The empty nest stinks, and now I'm looking forward to grandchildren!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Janie Emaus on Thu Feb 9, 2012 at 6:25 am
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Report Wed Feb 8, 2012 - 6:53 pmYes, this is so true. I volunteer in my kindergartener's class every Wednesday, so I just got home for there now. It is really a treat to see her among her peers and be there if she wants to come hug me or to just watch her interact. I am afraid for the day when her problems become much greater than the kindergarten problems she is having now, like other kids in the class teasing her because her book box is labeled PJ...Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Janie Emaus on Wed Feb 8, 2012 at 11:57 pm
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Report Wed Feb 8, 2012 - 5:30 pmHi Janie: Once a mother, always a mother. And it is true. I try hard not to hover but to allow my kids their space to grow and figure out their own mistakes. But yet, when I get THOSE calls I immediately want to kiss the boo-boo and get out the bandaids. : )Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Janie Emaus on Wed Feb 8, 2012 at 11:56 pm
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Report Wed Feb 8, 2012 - 4:05 pmThere's nothing more treasured than our children, Janie. Great post!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Janie Emaus on Wed Feb 8, 2012 at 4:43 pm
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Report Wed Feb 8, 2012 - 4:01 pmIt was good to hear this from you. I have two children and when I say that I feel their pain, like you, I am NOT kidding or exaggerating. When they're sick I feel sort of ill. When they get hurt I am in agony over it. When they're upset, so am I. And my husband just seems to roll right through it all, wondering why I'm a stressed-out mess. It's because we're mothers.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Janie Emaus on Wed Feb 8, 2012 at 4:41 pm
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Report Wed Feb 8, 2012 - 3:48 pmJanie, oh my, what a way you have with words....I can relate to each one. Especially those phone calls we receive from our daughters......have experienced same thing many, many times. Your words are heartwarming and humorous! Another great one! Luv ya, IleneReply
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1 reply, Last reply by Janie Emaus on Wed Feb 8, 2012 at 3:58 pm
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Report Wed Feb 8, 2012 - 3:41 pmSo true! My mother complained that I unloaded problems on her, felt better and then didn't follow up, and my kids have done that with me. Another of the cycles of life, I guess! Thanks, Janie!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Janie Emaus on Wed Feb 8, 2012 at 3:58 pm
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Report Wed Feb 8, 2012 - 3:30 pmThe best advice I ever got from my mother was to think twice before telling her something negative about my husband. She said, "By the time you tell me something he did hurtful, you will have forgiven him but I'll remember it for a very long time." That's how it is with Mothers.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Janie Emaus on Wed Feb 8, 2012 at 3:57 pm
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Report Wed Feb 8, 2012 - 3:24 pmCouldn't have said it better. Seems we go from wishing them to be more independent to wishing there was just a little more we could do for them. I'm sure my mom has been in those same shoes when I call her with troubles she can't really help me with. I know someday, I'll wear those shoes, too, as I watch my own daughter from the sidelines.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Janie Emaus on Wed Feb 8, 2012 at 3:56 pm
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Report Wed Feb 8, 2012 - 2:50 pmJust standing back and letting them get on with it can be the hardest thing - it goes completely against nature!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Janie Emaus on Wed Feb 8, 2012 at 3:01 pm
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