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When good husbands go bad
I spend a lot of time at the moment looking around at my friend's husbands and wondering what on earth happened. Fifteen years ago and single, I might have been looking on with greedy teenage eyes and thinking "How did SHE manage to bag him?" or, "Holy cow I wish I could get myself some of that!" Now I'm more likely to be thinking "Christ Claire, surely single parenthood must be better than this miserable, inflexible, foul tempered twit?"
Boring, balding, bad-tempered, bulbous.
Except for my husband - Mr. Milk - who seems to be improving with age. Kerching.
I'm not saying that with detestable smugness. When we first met he was most definitely in need of a polish, and a damn good meal. A forlorn student working in a bar all the hours he wasn't drinking at one, wearing the same old burgundy fleece thinning at the elbows, filthy and mottled. But with age has come experience, and confidence, and manliness, AND he's kept his hair and his wicked sense of humour.
And, really, I've just lucked out. I could've married a delicious ripe plum and watched him deflate into a puckered raisin. Or welcomed a sleek, affectionate Labrador into my arms only to pull away 10 years later with a stinky St. Bernard dribbling down my cheek.
When you're 18, you look for a bit of rough and ready, definitely some rough and tumble, but you rarely consider superior genetics. There's truth in the saying you should judge a prospective mate by his father, but as a teenager, that just makes you think about knocking boots with your boyfriend's father, which is just... well, WRONG.
It's like if you were Kate Middleton now you'd be pretty disappointed. You'd have bagged Prince Charming only to watch him morph into Prince Charles as the mop of golden hair fell out on your pillow and the eyes drooped like a hound dog's.
If you'd bedded Jude Law with a ‘phwaor' you'd probably have woken ten years later with a rather less enthusiastic "Oh, really?" Not the end of the world, but definitely underwhelming. So much promise and then just a half-hearted belch over the finish line.
And Val Kilmer? What I wouldn't have given for a bit of searing cold Iceman in between my sheets in 1987. Now I'd just be living with a lukewarm puddle and soggy bedding.
But I lucked out. And yeah okay maybe I am a little smug about it. I chose a half decent red wine that's just matured and developed with age. Some of you went for all the short-term gratification of a juicy pear with nothing to show for it now but a slightly discoloured, mouldy core.
Well you know what they say? You made your choices, now live with them.
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Comments (28)
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Report Thu Dec 8, 2011 - 11:27 pmSounds like my hubby when I first married him, thirty-two years ago this month. His stomach could have touched his back bone. He was tall, dark and skinny. After we married I fed him up, but it took a while for him to fill out. I got the eyes rolls, and the comments that I couldn't feed my man. They're gone now. That belly of his is my trophy. I did feed my man, lol.Reply -
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Fri Dec 2, 2011 - 3:03 pm
Shame we can't see into the future. You have the correct approach, though. Now if we can only keep them trim!Reply -
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Thu Dec 1, 2011 - 2:08 pm
Haha, very funny. The guys say the same about us of course - going to seed, letting ourselves go, gravity taking over, post childbirth body etc etc. The irony is that whilst we feel compelled to do something about our appearance and behaviour in order to stay fresh & appealing, a large percentage of males seem to get ugly, unkempt & unruly whilst remaining totally convinced they are gods gift to women and pursing affairs! How does that work ? Are they delusional, or have they got the right attitude? ( & as I write this, my 8 & 10 yr old boys start singing LMFAO "Im Sexy & I know It" ! LOL !!)Reply -
2 replies, Last reply by The Hope Fairy on Fri Dec 2, 2011 at 11:36 am
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Thu Dec 1, 2011 - 12:36 pm
I'll see your bottle of wine and raise you a 6ft blue eyed fireman. Now THAT's smug.Reply -
3 replies, Last reply by Scribbling Mum on Thu Dec 1, 2011 at 9:50 pm
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Thu Dec 1, 2011 - 11:14 am
My Husband is a handsome man - but he's annoying and his shit still stinks. Like most men really. But he is aesthetically pleasing though which is nice.Reply -
4 replies, Last reply by Clare Macnaughton on Thu Dec 1, 2011 at 5:46 pm
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Report Thu Dec 1, 2011 - 8:31 amI used to like Mickey Rourke in the 80s *can't even go there*Reply
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3 replies, Last reply by marketingtomilk on Thu Dec 1, 2011 at 5:37 pm
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Report Thu Dec 1, 2011 - 4:24 pmI do have a gorgeous hunk of a husband and his Dad is still looking good so fingers crossed for the golden years! Loved your analogies & so true about Jude Law. Underwhelming indeed. You are brilliantReply
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1 reply, Last reply by marketingtomilk on Thu Dec 1, 2011 at 5:34 pm
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Thu Dec 1, 2011 - 4:19 pm
I suppose I have lucked out too as I am pretty superficial and the one thing apart from a beard I can't stand on a man is a gut. The downside of marrying a man 8 years my junior is that he is still a delicious ripe plum who has to watch me deflate into a puckered raisin!!Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by marketingtomilk on Thu Dec 1, 2011 at 5:33 pm
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Report Thu Dec 1, 2011 - 8:41 amI met my big hairy northern hubby 22yrs ago - that's over half my life ago! So I get where you are coming from when you say that the men (and women) can change a lot! I think one of the problems is that us wives can start to compromise too much, not stand up for ourselves, and we get tired of keeping the men on the straight and narrow - hence we suddenly wake up, look over and ask 'how did that happen' - like the men you described above. It's so easy to get into bad habits, and then the problem is, it's not really his fault - many wives turn their good husbands into monsters by spoiling them and letting them become monsters. I've had a lot of mums coming to me about this recently and I've come to understand that the first step in turning it all around is for them to just take some time out and look after themselves, get stronger, healthier and more confident. Often the man will subconsciously pick up on it and realise his wife might be becoming more appealing than he is, so gradually return to the husband he was. (Or she'll kick him out of course - oops!). Anyway, lucky you - make sure you don't spoil him, I hope he's brilliant and you have a fab relationship forever!Reply
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4 replies, Last reply by Mummy Whisperer on Thu Dec 1, 2011 at 12:40 pm
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Thu Dec 1, 2011 - 12:22 pm
I lucked out, too, but only because I didn't marry mine while he was still in his "ripening" years. I waited to snag one who had already gone through all of their twenties...hence the 13 year age gap that totally works!Reply
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