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Tough love or selfish parenting?
"She told me I was giving in to his every whim, but I just couldn't leave him there. How could any mother walk away from their child crying their eyes out like that?"
Gulp.
Minutes earlier I'd left my youngest in the arms of the preschool teacher, kicking and screaming, wailing "Mummy, mummy, don't leave me", and my heart didn't skip a beat. Well something did skip; it was my little legs dancing their way out of the building. Three blissful hours to myself, and, well, he'd thank me in the end.
But as I was sitting in that coffee shop luxuriating in frothy cappuccino without a care in the world, I overheard this snippet of conversation, and I checked myself.
Was I really taking the tough parenting route FOR my children, to instill social confidence and independence, or was I in it all for my OWN selfish ends? To grab some quality me time at all costs?
The truth is, I rarely feel guilty about leaving my children. Not with a childminder, not with friends or relatives, or even at the pretty mediocre and definitely slightly dirty crèche at the local gym. Actually that's not quite true, I do feel guilty a lot of the time, pity any caregivers who get laden with MY reprobate children.
But seriously (I love my children really), I've always just thought they'd get used to it; that children will try and get out of anything and everything if you let them. And so from the word go they've been offloaded onto someone else for as many sessions as I can afford / get away with.
But actually, am I just plain selfish?
As I glanced back at the young lady offloading her woes on her friend while her son ran round and round the table tripping up old ladies and sending coffees and blueberry muffins everywhere, I sat back in my chair, put my frothy cappuccino to my lips and breathed deeply. Nah I don't think so. Suckers!
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Comments (23)
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Mon Jan 30, 2012 - 10:38 am
This just serves to remind me of all the nonsense that comes hand in hand with motherhood. That just because another person also had baby came out of their body you will have lots in common. That you will immediately love your baby unconditionally, that you will find everything they do adorable (who hand on heart can say that smell of poo isn't really just shitty) - that you will want to spend every waking minute watching your child rather than do anything for yourself...like have a friggin shower, drink a hot cup of tea (rather than let it go cold like every other time), have lunch with a friend in a top that doesn't have sick on it and complete a sentence.... oh I could go on, but my children are in school/daycare right now so I'm off to make a hot cup of coffee. And then drink it :)Reply -
Report Thu Jan 26, 2012 - 6:49 pmWhatever. Call it selfish. Don't call it selfish. I applaud you. Plus I love a woman who calls it like she sees it. I can't stand the "I cried when little Johnny got on the bus for his first day of school!" I'm always like, "You cried?" My little legs were skipping in the opposite direction! Love you!Reply -
3 replies, Last reply by Susie on Mon Jan 30, 2012 at 2:52 am
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Report Sun Jan 29, 2012 - 4:46 pmI really feel that a mum needs to take a break from the kids for an hour or three when they feel they need it. Your kids know you love them and I bet as soon as you walk out of the nursery door, your child stops crying and plays happily with his friends. Your kids will thank you for being a calmer, happier, more relaxed mum when you return for them.Reply
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Fri Jan 27, 2012 - 12:06 am
Droping your kid off at daycare is really stupid thing. Mommies just want to have another life and not be for their children 24-7. I say find time for yourself in another way and be your kids mom 24-7 and not a daycare thing. I have girlfriends that have kids and say stay at home moms was the right thing to do.Reply -
7 replies, Last reply by rootietoot on Sat Jan 28, 2012 at 12:57 pm
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Thu Jan 26, 2012 - 8:20 am
Do you think that some women can be martyrs? If you don't look after yourself so that you don't go bonkers then you can't look after your children. I think the fact that you do this makes you a better mother because you are keeping the nuthouse at bay. Now pass me that magazine....Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by marketingtomilk on Sat Jan 28, 2012 at 6:20 am
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Thu Jan 26, 2012 - 10:24 am
My youngest went through a crying/tantrum period when she was 3, and which included a sudden drama queen episode about going to child care/preschool. One morning she put on such a performance, head down, bum up, throwing a wobbly, that she gave herself carpet burn on her nose. Part of me wondered if she was also being emotionally scarred by me being heartless and just walking away and leaving her. That thought was put to rest when she cried about not wanting to leave preschool in the afternoon... So! I think you're right about both the tough love parenting AND the need to have time to yourself so you don't go bonkers!Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by marketingtomilk on Sat Jan 28, 2012 at 6:18 am
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Thu Jan 26, 2012 - 6:45 pm
My kids went to a daycare every single Friday. Looking forward to those Fridays when I could have brunch with a friend, or lunch with Himself, or buy groceries without 2 preschoolers and a baby, kept me from anguish, despair, and frustration. Selfish? Yeah you betcha and I don't regret it.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by marketingtomilk on Sat Jan 28, 2012 at 6:16 am
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Thu Jan 26, 2012 - 9:37 pm
If you're not happy, you're kids won't be happy. You need time for yourself.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by marketingtomilk on Sat Jan 28, 2012 at 6:15 am
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Thu Jan 26, 2012 - 9:07 pm
No, you're not selfish. Plus, you're teaching them to be independent. We all need time for ourselves because we all need that time to reboot.Reply
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