Mar 31

Til death do us part... or better off alone?

Comments (20) by Janie Emaus March 31, 2011 - 6:03 AM
When we say the words "for better or worse," we're really hoping that our married life falls mostly on the better side of that vow.  And that our worst-case scenarios involve nothing more serious than disagreements over the proper way to squeeze the toothpaste tube, sleepless nights with ill children or perhaps arguments involving money.  Nothing so horrible that we can't handle the "worst."

But life doesn't always work the way we want it to.  And when the bad days start to outnumber the good ones, when we just can't take one more slap to our ego, one more sleepless night wondering if our husband is going to come home drunk, one more lipstick stain on his white shirt, well, then that promise must be broken.

At first, we may try marriage counseling and in some cases, this does work.  In others it doesn't.  The marriage is just not fixable.  In that case, it's time to say "I'm outta here," pack our bags and head for the big D.

And while  Divorce isn't something we anticipated, it's not a horrible end-all situation.  We are simply saying this union isn't working.  I'm taking "me" back, and that is a huge step. 

It can often be easier to sit back and let the marriage devour you.  Let the bad eat you up until one day you're sixty and you look in the mirror and say WTF.  What have I done with my life? 

I've known too many women who have waited too long, settling for too little.  And I have also known women who have stepped through the D exit and made a better life for themselves.

Because Divorce is not the end.  It's actually a new beginning. 

Sure, it won't be all sunshine and roses.  That couple you hung out with every Saturday night may join forces with your husband and think of you as the  evil ex.  You may lose a friend who you thought would be there for you forever.  But then was she really a friend? 

If you didn't have to work, you may now have to get a job to provide for you and your children. 

You may have many, many battles in court over property, money, custody.  And face days when you wonder why you left in the first place.  It wasn't really that bad, was it?  So what if your marriage wasn't an equal partnership? So what if you weren't very happy?

So what?  You only have one life to live.  And you better make the best of it.  You may have broken a sacred vow but in the end you still have yourself.

And isn't that what's most important?

 

by Janie Emaus March 31, 2011 - 6:03 AM

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Comments (20)

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  • Report Thu Mar 31, 2011 - 4:55 pm
    by  Victoria Wallop
    I couldn't agree more. There is nothing to be gained by remaining unhappy for the rest of your life, or even not terribly happy. It benefits no one. Don't look back and have regrets.
    Reply Delete
  • 2 replies, Last reply by Vegemitevix on Thu Oct 20, 2011 at 3:53 pm
  • Report Thu Mar 31, 2011 - 5:26 pm
    by  Janie Emaus
    @Victoria Wallop: It's not easy, but I beleive it all works out for the best. And we're worth it!
    Reply Delete
  • Report Thu Oct 20, 2011 - 3:53 pm
    by  Vegemitevix
    @Janie Emaus: Getting divorced was the best thing I ever did. I just wish I hadn't taken so long to make the decision. In the end although I separated for me, it was my three kids who really benefitted most from our divorce. Now they have a chance at a real relationship with their father (without me being the conduit) and a new relationship with a stepfather who they adore. More than that they deserve to grow up in a household that is happy, and my daughters deserve the right marriage role model. You are definately worth it!
    Reply Delete
  • Report Thu Mar 31, 2011 - 6:27 pm
    by  Gigi_E
    Well you know what they say - marriage was designed for humans who died in their late thirties ( or something - shuffles Encyclopedia)...so we should by rights be moving onto our second by then anyway. Although if it's okay by you - if that ever happens to me, can I marry a twenty-something *flexes cougar claws*
    Reply Delete
  • 2 replies, Last reply by Crystal on Mon Apr 4, 2011 at 7:29 pm
  • Report Thu Mar 31, 2011 - 8:37 pm
    by  Parenting Ed
    @Gigi_E: as long as he's house trained, otherwise you'll need to find a nice cage....
    Reply Delete
  • Report Mon Apr 4, 2011 - 7:29 pm
    by  Crystal
    @Gigi_E: Recently, I have said that if I had to marry again, I would probably go for a twenty-something.....I am married to someone who's 10 years older than me....and that is NOT easy.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Fri Apr 1, 2011 - 7:33 pm
    by  Crystal Parker
    You know, I never thought that I would see the day when I felt differently about my marriage. We have been married for 17 years this past January, but have been together 19 years this month. But, as you said, things change whether it be your feelings or something totally different. I do believe in marriage "til death do us part." But until recently, I didn't give it a second thought. When I went back to college and changed jobs, I realized that my feelings for this man were not the same as what they were 19 years ago. And as of right now, I am in a quandry about whether I should stick with my marriage or let go of what makes me miserable. So, yes, as of right now, I am trying to make a marriage alive, yet miserable at the same time....so, I am beginning to realize happiness will be what I make of it and how I deal with the decision that I make in the long run.
    Reply Delete
  • 2 replies, Last reply by Crystal on Mon Apr 4, 2011 at 7:26 pm
  • Report Sun Apr 3, 2011 - 10:00 pm
    by  Janie Emaus
    @Crystal Parker: I wish you the best of luck. Whatever you do, i believe everything happens for a reason
    Reply Delete
  • Report Mon Apr 4, 2011 - 7:26 pm
    by  Crystal
    @Janie Emaus: I am as you are. I do believe things happen for a reason....There is an email that I get every so often that states that there are different reasons why people are in our lives......I can't remember how it goes, but I can say that I truly, truly understand that there are some in my life that are there to guide me, some to help me, and some as learning experiences.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Thu Mar 31, 2011 - 7:14 pm
    by  Jean James
    I call it 'The gross out factor' when you've reached it, there's no going back, and you have to leave.
    Reply Delete
  • 4 replies, Last reply by Jean James on Mon Apr 4, 2011 at 2:02 am
  • Report Thu Mar 31, 2011 - 8:41 pm
    by  Parenting Ed
    @Jean James: Very succinctly put Jean! I do wonder why it seems to be increasingly hard for marriages to make it past 10 years though....are our expectations way higher than they used to be?
    Reply Delete
  • Report Thu Mar 31, 2011 - 10:53 pm
    by  Jean James
    @Parenting Ed: I'm not sure what the polls would say, but I see a lot of spousal parenting going on and I think that breeds resentment over time. Didn't we move out to get away from our parents, only to find ourselves married to one? When I got married I told my husband not to ask my permission for anything but to consult me instead. So far so good, but I'm not at 10 yrs yet.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Fri Apr 1, 2011 - 7:37 pm
    by  Crystal Parker
    @Jean James: I totally understand how you feel. But would you rather have a parent or a child to contend with? I am married to an older version of my kids.....it seems as though he gives me problems more so than my teenagers.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Mon Apr 4, 2011 - 2:02 am
    by  Jean James
    @Crystal Parker: You know Crystal, I wouldn't want either. I know I'll regret saying this, but a lot of us women have secret expectations of our husbands, and when they don't comply, we find ourselves disappointed, but we never actually verbalize what we want (we may scream and shout it, but by then it's too late). On the other hand do we ever stop and wonder what our husbands secret expectations of us are, and are we in compliance? I would guess to say the answer is no. Until we sit down with our spouses and tell them what we want and ask them what they want , then there's still hope in marriage. If that fails, because one or the other doesn't want to do the work, then it's time to consider an exit strategy.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Fri Apr 1, 2011 - 1:34 am
    by  Liz Dawes
    It's good to know I'm not the only one who sometimes wonders if I did the right thing. I KNOW I did. But it's good to know the doubts are normal.......
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Janie Emaus on Sun Apr 3, 2011 at 9:58 pm
  • Report Sun Apr 3, 2011 - 9:58 pm
    by  Janie Emaus
    @Liz Dawes: Doubts are most certainly normal.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Thu Mar 31, 2011 - 8:32 pm
    by  Terry
    Boy is that familiar. You pretty much covered the bases of a very difficult situation, as usual. Thanks for the summary.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Parenting Ed on Thu Mar 31, 2011 at 8:45 pm
  • Report Thu Mar 31, 2011 - 8:45 pm
    by  Parenting Ed
    @Terry: She has such a fabulous way of doing that doesn't she? Always sad, but as Janie says "You only have one life to live".... it's a v good mantra :)
    Reply Delete
  • Report Thu Mar 31, 2011 - 7:14 pm
    by  Tina F
    I've seen many of my friends come to life after a divorce, and some of the happiest couples I know are in second marriages. Divorce is unfortunate, but sometimes the best course of action!
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Parenting Ed on Thu Mar 31, 2011 at 8:39 pm
  • Report Thu Mar 31, 2011 - 8:39 pm
    by  Parenting Ed
    @Tina F: I think you're right. Lots of women, and I"m sure a fair few men too, seem to lose themselves in marriage. For many divorce is the only way to re-find the path back to them.
    Reply Delete

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