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The art of subversive swearing
On another occasion, we arrived at school, parked, then waited while a hapless parent manoeuvred a large car into a small space, all the while heckled by my daughter through open car windows. Her finale? "Come on LOVE, you could get a BUS through there!" (Embarrassed though I was, it could have been so much worse.)
I'm not alone. My nephew calmly told his teacher he hadn't tidied up the toys because he: "can't park this fucking car." Particularly embarrassing for my sister, a teacher, who was told she really should know better. Another friend, who's worked with many of the rich and famous, has a daughter who for years thought one of the members of Take That was called "Gary Bollocks". I think we all know what kind of rock and roll language goes on in their house.
So what to do? Clearly we must devise a way of venting fury without social services getting involved and I think I've hit on the formula for success. A mixture of foreign languages and childish humour seem to just about do the trick. (My kids have only got as far as counting and colours in their French lessons, and not much further with Spanish courtesy of Dora the Explorer, so I reckon I'm safe here for a while).
"Santa Patata!" ("Holy Potato") is not very rude, but feels good to shout when you've just banged your head and it's easy to divert to if you feel yourself going down the route of words beginning with "Shhhhhhhh." Try it. As an expression of frustration it's really quite handy. You can do Italian wavy arms/hands as well if it helps. (It does.)
Then there's the category of people (I'm thinking jobsworths, call centres,) that have irritated you beyond belief, so that you need to utter at least one expletive ridden phrase when you hang up. I would usually use: "What a complete and utter prick." But now use the beautifully expressive: "Sticky Poo Head." My kids picked it up in the school play ground. I know, it's still a bit rude, but if you can't beat ‘em.......
But there is always that moment of utter fury, when you are literally apoplectic with rage, and only a stream of expletives will do. Here again I turn to our European friends. Save this for the worst possible moments, and then if you are going to use it, gabble it loudly and furiously. Then leave, and fast. If there are any Spanish speakers in the vicinity, they are about to assault you:
"ME CAGO EN LAS BISAGRAS DEL ATAUD DE TU PUTA MADRE!"
Approach internet translation apps at your peril. It's not for the fainthearted. But boy does it feel good. And I'm pretty sure Dora and Boots won't be translating that one for the kids.
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Comments (26)
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Report Tue Mar 29, 2011 - 1:28 amLanded on this article just in time me thinks, over heard twins telling each other something was bull"^&t today 'ahem' Although not sure I could actally say your spanish suggestion and not ge a clip round the ear for it from my spanish father, did almost spit coffee over the screen LOLReply -
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Fri Mar 25, 2011 - 6:14 pm
Brilliant! I'm still at the stage where the baby has no idea what I'm on about, although I'm pretty sure her first word will either be "shit" or "bugger". My cousin's two year old says something is "ship" if she doesn't like it. Can't help but feel she might've misheard. And I remember my sister walking round flicking her index finger at people telling them to "fick off". Again, I think she got the wrong end of the stick...Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Liz Dawes on Fri Mar 25, 2011 at 11:57 pm
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Fri Mar 25, 2011 - 11:35 pm
Kids are so funny when they swear. One day my 5y/o daughter confessed to me that she and her 7 y/o brother string together all the explicative's I have unwittingly taught them and say them out loud when I'm not around, and let me tell you that list was embarrassingly long. I try to use German when I can remember, but my 3y/o has correctly mastered the English version of s#*t. As for the religious swears, well, this American has that genre covered as well.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Liz Dawes on Fri Mar 25, 2011 at 11:55 pm
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Report Fri Mar 25, 2011 - 2:07 pmHi, had to laugh at this...being of spanish heritage and my husband of italian, I never thought for one second of swearing in spanish or italian. GENIUS! I am very partial to the odd swearing rant and immediately hate myself after, especially in front of the kids. Thanks for the tip!!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Liz Dawes on Fri Mar 25, 2011 at 2:42 pm
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Fri Mar 25, 2011 - 1:27 am
I love your reference to Dora and Boots! When they start swearing it will be time to change the channel! Great post.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Liz Dawes on Fri Mar 25, 2011 at 1:33 am
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Thu Mar 24, 2011 - 8:23 pm
Yeah I know it's a f*&king nightmare! Especially living in america where some people - no I'm serious - think saying Jesus, God or even damn is a swearword. It's almost worth moving back to UK to be able to freely say f#ck and c#nt in the privacy of your own home. As for the kids aping me they haven't let an F-bomb off at school...yet! Waiting for the phonecall from the principal thoughReply -
3 replies, Last reply by Liz Dawes on Fri Mar 25, 2011 at 1:32 am
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Report Thu Mar 24, 2011 - 5:10 pmI've picked up a habit from a Dutch friend during uni who used to exclaim "fiets" (prononounced "feetch") instead of f#%k - gets just as much emption in as the real thing.... it means bicycle in Dutch, so no risk of offending anyone!Reply
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5 replies, Last reply by Gigi_E on Thu Mar 24, 2011 at 11:06 pm
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Thu Mar 24, 2011 - 8:39 pm
I'm accompanying it with much gesturing and a fair amount of spittle - is this right? Do we need a workshop? Much of my 'language' is car related - there SO many bad drivers out there, it's really not my fault at all! My children shake their heads a little despairingly and tell me I'm a disappointment to them....Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Liz Dawes on Thu Mar 24, 2011 at 9:14 pm
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Thu Mar 24, 2011 - 7:22 pm
Haven't a chance right now to check it out but BOY does it sound effective....all the better for not knowing the translation maybe!! This is something I have been trying to address myself as I do tend to say a few too many b's and sh's (very rarely f £%* though) so that my 11 year old has talked of introducing a swear box for me. Luckily for me, she thinks the f word is fogging. Actually, that is quite a good alternative.....may try and use it! Also mama-andmore suggests a good one, 'feetch'. (Fogging feetch has a good ring to it!) !!Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Liz Dawes on Thu Mar 24, 2011 at 7:31 pm
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Report Thu Mar 24, 2011 - 2:32 pm*ROARS* Am no doubt one of a long line who's just rushed off to find out what it means (http://www.spanishdict.com/translation worked well). On the HINGE? REALLY? After snortling away merrily, I couldn't help it. My brain just immediately leaped to the "how the hell would you manage it on the HINGE?"Reply
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2 replies, Last reply by Gigi_E on Thu Mar 24, 2011 at 7:01 pm
Enter the word as it appears in the box.