The art of subversive swearing
On another occasion, we arrived at school, parked, then waited while a hapless parent manoeuvred a large car into a small space, all the while heckled by my daughter through open car windows. Her finale? "Come on LOVE, you could get a BUS through there!" (Embarrassed though I was, it could have been so much worse.)
I'm not alone. My nephew calmly told his teacher he hadn't tidied up the toys because he: "can't park this fucking car." Particularly embarrassing for my sister, a teacher, who was told she really should know better. Another friend, who's worked with many of the rich and famous, has a daughter who for years thought one of the members of Take That was called "Gary Bollocks". I think we all know what kind of rock and roll language goes on in their house.
So what to do? Clearly we must devise a way of venting fury without social services getting involved and I think I've hit on the formula for success. A mixture of foreign languages and childish humour seem to just about do the trick. (My kids have only got as far as counting and colours in their French lessons, and not much further with Spanish courtesy of Dora the Explorer, so I reckon I'm safe here for a while).
"Santa Patata!" ("Holy Potato") is not very rude, but feels good to shout when you've just banged your head and it's easy to divert to if you feel yourself going down the route of words beginning with "Shhhhhhhh." Try it. As an expression of frustration it's really quite handy. You can do Italian wavy arms/hands as well if it helps. (It does.)
Then there's the category of people (I'm thinking jobsworths, call centres,) that have irritated you beyond belief, so that you need to utter at least one expletive ridden phrase when you hang up. I would usually use: "What a complete and utter prick." But now use the beautifully expressive: "Sticky Poo Head." My kids picked it up in the school play ground. I know, it's still a bit rude, but if you can't beat ‘em.......
But there is always that moment of utter fury, when you are literally apoplectic with rage, and only a stream of expletives will do. Here again I turn to our European friends. Save this for the worst possible moments, and then if you are going to use it, gabble it loudly and furiously. Then leave, and fast. If there are any Spanish speakers in the vicinity, they are about to assault you:
"ME CAGO EN LAS BISAGRAS DEL ATAUD DE TU PUTA MADRE!"
Approach internet translation apps at your peril. It's not for the fainthearted. But boy does it feel good. And I'm pretty sure Dora and Boots won't be translating that one for the kids.