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Secret mummydom confession
It's time for me to reveal my secret. I need to make a mummyhood confession. When I look at my son's beautiful face, it breaks my heart to realise this: when he was born, I wanted to leave him at the hospital. I didn't want to take him home, to claim him as mine.
Being his mum has been such a strange journey, especially when compared to being his sister's mum. My poor son was the victim of a traumatised mother for the first part of his life (and it didn't help much that he has a terrible temper too). When he was finally delivered via emergency c-section, I was fast asleep. I didn't know that was to be the last peaceful sleep I was to have in a long time. I didn't know I was about to take a glimpse of another life; a life with pain, regret, anxiety and darkness.
They put me under general anaesthetic before they ripped him from me and they never bothered to tell my husband what was happening. He was in the delivery room with me when the monitor went silent. He was there when the fuzzy heart-beat echoed silence and the wires were ripped from my body. He was there when they charged down the corridor with the hospital bed, feet squeaking on the shiny floors and gowns flying behind them. He was still there when they sliced me open and introduced our son to a plastic tube to help him breathe. He was there.
He held our son. He named our son. He waited for me to wake up.
I didn't believe that the baby wrapped neatly in a hospital blanket was the same baby that had wriggled and squirmed inside me for so long. I refused to believe he was my baby. People visited. People congratulated us. Silently, I seethed. Who congratulates someone who has been through such a terrifying experience? Who brings presents and cards and smiles to such an awful place? Why were they expecting me to look after this baby? Did I really have to put this baby to my breast, tend to his cries and gaze lovingly at him? I did these things- except for gaze at him... I couldn't look at him without crying.
Eventually, I found a way to love my son. I started to understand what had happened and I guess it's true what they say, about time being a healer. Now, the most painful part of it all is that I didn't love him straight away.
Through all of this came Maternity Matters: my collaborative blog where I and other amazing women write about these things... because these things are important. Through all of this I am learning how to be my son's mum - and yes, I'm so glad I brought him home.
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Comments (24)
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Report Wed Jun 22, 2011 - 7:30 pmI'm sorry that you had to go through what you went through, and i hope nobody has to go through what you did.I am glad that you finally came around to loving your infant son; however, I must say that I cannot see eye to eye with your situation. As a child who didn't have her mother for the first couple of years of her life, I feel for your son. perhaps that is why i don't feel for your pain or your reasoning for the lack of love. I wish your son never sees this page, or hears of this incident, because I do not think he would be too happy to know that his mother did not love him unconditionally from the very beginning of his life. I wholehearted applaud your recovery. congratulations.Reply -
Report Thu Jun 9, 2011 - 7:24 pmIt's all been said by these wonderful comments. You are a truely inspirational and loving Mother, and your little man will know this. My Mum didn't really like us as babies - thought nothing of saying so either. We often laughed about it and you know how close we ended up. Keep on writing - it sounds like people need you too xReply
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Report Tue Apr 26, 2011 - 9:43 amSo sorry you went through all that and that you found a way to enjoy your lovely little boy in the end. Just to reassure any mums-to-be, I experienced exactly the same thing - an emergency CS under general and had totally the opposite feelings. I just felt so terrified I might lose my baby that when I woke up (she had been awake for about 3 hours with my husband by this point) I was beyond elated. That I survived, she survived and we had both made it was an incredible feeling. I get worried that pregnant women sometimes thing that a 'perfect' birth will inevitably lead to feelings of failure or loss, but that is not always the case. This is a great, heartfelt article.Reply
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Report Sat Apr 23, 2011 - 10:32 amThis is such a powerful and important post. I had a very similar experience to you - from the emergency section to the feelings afterwards. People tend to brush experiences like this under the carpet, when it's actually vital to get the out there and talk about them. Thank you for doing that.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by ghostwritermummy on Sun Apr 24, 2011 at 5:24 pm
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Report Sun Apr 24, 2011 - 4:58 pmThis was am amazingly moving piece and I'm just so relieved and pleased that it has all worked out for you and your little one. It will maybe help others who read this and are in the same emotional turmoil.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by ghostwritermummy on Sun Apr 24, 2011 at 5:24 pm
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Sat Apr 16, 2011 - 4:55 pm
Well done for being brave enough to admit those feelings, its not easy to admit that we feel that way. I felt very similarly to you. Although I wasn't under a general I was so out of it on pethidine and exhaustion that I have no recollection of my sons birth. I remember coming around the next morning and trying to piece together a flat stomach and the baby in the cot next to me.Reply -
Report Thu Apr 14, 2011 - 7:51 amThis is so sad and I understand some of what you went through. You know my daughter's birth story and I felt a bit like where did this baby come from?!! I didn't feel the euphoria or rush of love and I also cried everytime I looked at my baby for weeks after her birth. Also, like you I love my daughter to bits and have now learnt that you can't change the past only the way you react to it. I believe that the love was always there but it was just buried underneath shock, trauma, pain and guilt. You are doing an amazing thing with your pain and turning it into something positiive. Being a mum is so much more than just those minutes, days and weeks after the birth it is about a lifetime of nuturance, patience and perservance. Great post as always xxxReply
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4 replies, Last reply by The Domestic Anarchist on Fri Apr 15, 2011 at 11:01 am
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Fri Apr 15, 2011 - 5:16 am
Great piece. I'm glad it all worked out for you.Reply -
Report Thu Apr 14, 2011 - 8:59 amAn amazingly honest and heartfelt post and a perfect comment from Domestic Anarchist. Big Hugs. xReply
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1 reply, Last reply by ghostwritermummy on Thu Apr 14, 2011 at 6:43 pm
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Report Thu Apr 14, 2011 - 11:11 amI understand so much of what you have written, I didn't bond with my daughter like 'I knew I should' because of a trumatic birth. I too was put to sleep and woken up to this baby that was mine, I said and did all the right things, but never felt the bond. I think what you have created with 'Maternity Matters' is a wonderful thing and hope that this helps you along your road to recovery and helps many others in the process. xReply
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1 reply, Last reply by ghostwritermummy on Thu Apr 14, 2011 at 6:40 pm
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Thu Apr 14, 2011 - 2:25 pm
Wow, I had no idea that traumatic births affect the bonding process. What a great way to help others by sharing your experience.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by ghostwritermummy on Thu Apr 14, 2011 at 6:40 pm
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Report Thu Apr 14, 2011 - 3:27 pmSo sad to read your story but I'm glad you have found a way through it. Not all mums fall in love with their babies straight away and I hope knowing this can help release you from the guilt you feel. Thank you for sharing your story. It's valuable to me and will be to so many others. I wish Maternity Matters huge success. Sending my sincere best wishes to you, Andrea xxReply
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1 reply, Last reply by ghostwritermummy on Thu Apr 14, 2011 at 6:39 pm
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Report Thu Apr 14, 2011 - 3:52 pmWhat a wonderful article about how hard the bonding process is sometimes really hard to get right away. I am sure a lot of us can relate to this.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by ghostwritermummy on Thu Apr 14, 2011 at 6:38 pm
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