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Bedtime sucks - and not in that way
I hate bedtimes with a passion. I know there are mothers out there who look forward to this quality time with their children, relish the conversations, the storytelling, the laughter. To me it is a chore.
It always starts the same. Breezing in all sweet-tongued and announcing "Bedtime darlings!" as if you've just offered them something they're gonna love, like chocolate cake. "Noooooo, not going!" they chime in unison kicking their legs out and smacking you in the groin. Wincing and biting your tongue in an attempt to stifle all manner of "b-words" that are trying to force themselves out of your mouth, you consider your options. Do you grab one under the arm and make a run for it? Or do you attempt to negotiate? It all depends on how tired you are of course, but it's usually way past "pacifier mum" by this stage in the day.
So you're manhandling your youngest up the stairs and straight into the bathroom. "Teeth time!" you announce in exactly the same faux excited tones you've used to announce bedtime - except this time you dress it up even more flamboyantly with a sing-song straight out of Sesame Street and a grin the Cheshire Cat would covet. "Noooo, why do I have to do my teeth again. It's not fair!" he screams in your ear. Ears ringing, you waggle your index finger under his nose and begin your nightly diatribe about the greed of the toothy monster. A big mean brutish fiend who delights in sugary teeth, especially ones coated in haribo bears. With widened, nervous eyes he opens his mouth about half an inch as you try to negotiate your way around his mouth with the toothbrush, like a blind man fixing a plug with a toothpick.
After more increasingly agitated
discussions about the merits of relieving oneself before bedtime so as not
to piss wet the sheets again, and the benefits of a good
night's sleep to avoid missing a phantom event through
hospitalised exhaustion you finally drag your young child into his bedroom by
his pyjama bottoms and close the door quickly behind you to avoid any further
freedom bids.
It's about this time that he usually decides that it's just the time for a good game of rockstars, monsters or something else loud and destructive. The only game you're in the mood for is the "losing the plot" game, strangely named as there's never been anything coherent or planned in your household since 2006.
And so bedtime slowly turns into chaos, harsh words are exchanged, a whirlwind of huffing and puffing ensues (and that's just from you), and as you claw your way out of the bedroom and wipe the sweat from your brow, that familiar and sickening realisation takes hold again "That's just the half of it. One more exactly the same to go."
And they expect you to wait until
AFTER the kids have gone to bed before opening that bottle box
of wine?
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Comments (14)
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Report Thu Nov 24, 2011 - 10:49 amHa Ha - this is why it is called the "witching hour" in my house!!!!Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by marketingtomilk on Wed Nov 30, 2011 at 8:37 pm
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Thu Nov 24, 2011 - 12:59 pm
I fucking hate bedtimes too. Great article, such honesty!Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by marketingtomilk on Wed Nov 30, 2011 at 8:36 pm
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Report Thu Nov 24, 2011 - 3:30 pmI heard a mother on the radio recently saying she was upset to overhear her husband describing bedtime as "my job". She felt it was something to cherish and enjoy. Clearly bedtime WAS his job or she'd sound more like us. It's a bloody misery, night after endless night and the day they can slope off into their rooms, knuckles dragging on the hall carpet, can't come soon enough for me.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by marketingtomilk on Wed Nov 30, 2011 at 8:36 pm
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Report Thu Nov 24, 2011 - 5:22 pmoh dear lord ... someone who feels the pain too! Brilliant article - totally spot on .. but you left out the sibling rivalry that goes with this torture of bedtime pain (in our house anyway!) .. It's 5.18pm and I've just finished the first glass of wine .. not big and not clever I know but it might help to get through the next few hrs as bedtime commences in 30 minutes and my husband is out at work until 8pm every week night. AND AND AND why does bedtime now take up to hour? I remember as a child I was sent to bed - that's it - just sent to bed, took my mother 3 seconds to do say those words and off we took ourselves. What age do they take themselves off to bed?Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by marketingtomilk on Wed Nov 30, 2011 at 8:35 pm
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Report Thu Nov 24, 2011 - 5:24 pmOMG Hen I so relate to this.....esp being on my own. No one to help. I use my bloody iPhone as a timer. Timer to get up. Timer to get in the bath. Timer to get out, Timer to read, timer bloody timer. By the time I've finished the frickin process I've lost the will to live. But it DOES get easier as they get older. But the bed time gets later..........I count count the number of times I've begged them and bribed them to get to bed! Or sobbed after and gone and drunk a glass of wine and chain smoked......!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by marketingtomilk on Wed Nov 30, 2011 at 8:35 pm
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Report Thu Nov 24, 2011 - 6:30 pmOOh, i understand, however the boys have suddenly taken to showers in the morning, which amazingly seems to work before the school run!!! So i find many evenings saying 'just teeth and pj's tonight, you can have a shower in the morning'. Result, story bed and quicker to the wine!!! Although, some days we do both and i have the cleanest kids in town!! And here we go......... XReply
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1 reply, Last reply by marketingtomilk on Wed Nov 30, 2011 at 8:34 pm
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Report Thu Nov 24, 2011 - 7:00 pmI"M NOT ALONE!!! Everynight l have this romantic notion that my 2 year old will just jump into bed, listen adoringly whilst l read a story and fall asleep in my arms after declaring his love just before l finish the last sentence. In the mean time my 7 year old will have cleaned her teeth and be snuggled up awaiting a goodnight kiss before to falling in to a deep sleep.....reality, JJ jumps up and down all the way through the story stopping occasionally to look at the pictures and then shouts for an hour after l have turned out the lights before declaring that he needs a POO! Jp has gone up to bed but has yet to get her pj's on as she has discovered something she simply must do right now....l shout she shouts JJ is shouting, the cats are trying to get out of the mad house and the old man is downstair watching the news!! But an hour later when all is quiet l go and have a peek and my heart melts as they both lie sleeping, my angelic little babies........sentimental or is it the wine?Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by marketingtomilk on Wed Nov 30, 2011 at 8:33 pm
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