Ten ways my kids annoy the shit out of me
Look, I love my kids. OF COURSE they are the things most precious to my heart. And OF COURSE parenting is the most important job I'll ever do. But even the most ardent David Bowie fan has to admit his Tin Machine era was shit. And even the most diehard Star Wars enthusiast must concede that Jar Jar Binks and his Gungan friends of Naboo are the closest anyone could ever come to the justification of genocide.
The fact of the matter is that kids can be dickheads. Here are a few examples of how my kids are able to annoy the shit out of me:
1. They clearly want me to look at their shit because they never flush the toilet properly.
2. They deliberately refuse to reach consensus on any dinner I could possibly serve them other than hot chips.
3. When they sleep in my bed at night, they stage a hostile takeover of my pillow and then jab my tender bits with their pointy elbows every time they roll over and/or breathe.
4. They say they are bored and have nothing to do, but the truth is they just want to go on my iPhone.
5. They always expect me to drop what I'm doing immediately in order to give them something to eat, especially when the thing that I am doing happens to be making dinner which, if they stopped asking me for food and let me actually do what I am doing, would be ready in five minutes. Sheesh.
6. They tie random objects to other random objects with bits of string, shoelaces or the necklace my grandmother gave me and then leave them in strategic places for me to trip over.
7. Nothing is ever their fault.
8. They play shouty games when I'm hungover or on the phone or both.
9. They treat any clothing I am wearing like a hand towel.
10. They climb on me every time I squat down to pick something up. Every single fucking time.
Yep, people say that kids are the best investment you'll ever make and they're right. Pity the premiums are so high.
The formerly fashionable NDM had three children and discovered that brown is the new black the hard way. The force behind the critically acclaimed once-was-blog Not Drowning, Mothering, she now very occasionally writes for the sometimes-blog Queen NDM, The Best. In her spare time, she enjoys baking cakes, cyber-hassling advertising executives and collecting digital photos of unusual objects made out of paperclips. She's occasionally on Twitter and Facebook as well.