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Ten ways my kids annoy the shit out of me
by Look, I love my kids. OF COURSE they are the things most precious to my heart. And OF COURSE parenting is the most important job I'll ever do. But even the most ardent David Bowie fan has to admit his Tin Machine era was shit. And even the most diehard Star Wars enthusiast must concede that Jar Jar Binks and his Gungan friends of Naboo are the closest anyone could ever come to the justification of genocide.
The fact of the matter is that kids can be dickheads. Here are a few examples of how my kids are able to annoy the shit out of me:
1. They clearly want me to look at their shit because they never flush the toilet properly.
2. They deliberately refuse to reach consensus on any dinner I could possibly serve them other than hot chips.
3. When they sleep in my bed at night, they stage a hostile takeover of my pillow and then jab my tender bits with their pointy elbows every time they roll over and/or breathe.
4. They say they are bored and have nothing to do, but the truth is they just want to go on my iPhone.
5. They always expect me to drop what I'm doing immediately in order to give them something to eat, especially when the thing that I am doing happens to be making dinner which, if they stopped asking me for food and let me actually do what I am doing, would be ready in five minutes. Sheesh.
6. They tie random objects to other random objects with bits of string, shoelaces or the necklace my grandmother gave me and then leave them in strategic places for me to trip over.
7. Nothing is ever their fault.
8. They play shouty games when I'm hungover or on the phone or both.
9. They treat any clothing I am wearing like a hand towel.
10. They climb on me every time I squat down to pick something up. Every single fucking time.
Yep, people say that kids are the best investment you'll ever make and they're right. Pity the premiums are so high.
The
formerly fashionable NDM had three children and discovered that brown is
the new black the hard way. The force behind the critically
acclaimed once-was-blog Not Drowning, Mothering, she now very occasionally
writes for the sometimes-blog Queen NDM, The Best. In her spare time, she
enjoys baking cakes, cyber-hassling advertising executives and collecting digital photos
of unusual objects made out of paperclips. She's occasionally on Twitter
and Facebook as well.
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Comments (17)
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Report Wed Feb 20, 2013 - 7:08 pmCouldn't believe my eyes when I read the bit about kids tying stuff to stuff. . . with shoelaces. Until tonight I have truly thought my kids were the only ones with this undiagnosed condition. Seriously, this shoelace thing drives me spare. I mean, it looks so pointless and bleak. It leaves other shoelaces without a mate. It is done under cover of darkness, or hot weather. They know I don't understand it. Not one of them has ever admitted to doing it. Nearly 19 years of this. I'm broken.Reply -
Report Thu Feb 14, 2013 - 7:47 amThis totally made my night! The only thing I would add to the list is if it is important, they will break it. Or spill juice on my freshly washed floor. Either would work. There are days where it is debatable whether I will wake up with my sanity intact the next morning ... But I wouldn't trade it for anything :)Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by TheNDM on Fri Feb 15, 2013 at 1:30 pm
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Wed Feb 13, 2013 - 11:12 pm
Hey NDM, It get worse. #8 never stops. #10 made me spit coke. I only have one (age 25 ) (what!!!). Now I just feel old, damn. High premium indeed. Fuck it - he's worth it.Reply -
3 replies, Last reply by TheNDM on Fri Feb 15, 2013 at 11:32 am
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Report Thu Feb 14, 2013 - 1:05 pmThat 8 week school holiday is a bastard isn't it. By the end I'm just agreeing to every request with a hundred yard stare.Reply
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3 replies, Last reply by TheNDM on Thu Feb 14, 2013 at 3:37 pm
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Report Wed Feb 13, 2013 - 4:51 pmSo funny. And so so true. My hands went to my tender bits as I read about your childrens pointy bits. We must be related, 'cause my children do ALL of these things too. Plus several more annoying things... Thank goodness the list of the cute things about our children is equally long, or we may have been guilty of serving up our children as main course.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by TheNDM on Thu Feb 14, 2013 at 6:25 am
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Wed Feb 13, 2013 - 6:14 pm
Then they turn into teenagers,and your IQ inexplicably drops 50 points whenever they are within 20 feet of you.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by TheNDM on Thu Feb 14, 2013 at 5:57 am
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Wed Feb 13, 2013 - 9:41 pm
My clothing as hand towel, yes. Makes.me.nuts.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by TheNDM on Thu Feb 14, 2013 at 5:56 am
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