Nicki bloody Minaj
Right, Kraken-lovers, I have come to that time in my parenting career when I'm genuinely at a loss. Well, that's not entirely true because I have been at a loss every hour since Kraken Junior blasted her way out of my pelvis with what felt like a North Korean nuclear missile. But still, this time it's really serious thanks to Nicki fricking Minaj.
Why can't Minaj keep her clothes on? Or at the very least stop waggling her arse like it's got a wayward itch. See, my five-year-old is now at that age where she's starting to enjoy pop music but as much as I'd love to stick MTV on the telly for her to prance to, I can't because she keeps getting assailed by images of naked women who look like they're begging for a shag.
In all fairness, though, it's not just Minaj is it? Rihanna couldn't keep her tits in if they were bandaged to her chest, I know Gaga's arse cheeks better than my own and even Beyoncé needs to be half naked to holler a single note. And as much as I love their music and style, I as sure as shit don't want my little girl to start thinking that the only way to get on in school is by whipping out her massively underdeveloped baps.
So at what point do I let her goggle at MTV without fearing for her immediate spiral into sex, drugs and sequins?
It's not that I don't like nudity. I mean, Kraken Junior has fallen about laughing at the sight of my foof a thousand times and has no compunction about screeching at Conjugal Kraken's netherparts when he's drying himself after a shower. I just don't want her to see nudity being sold to her as a lifestyle choice for any girl who wants to get on.
Do I sound nun-like enough yet? No? Then how about having a music channel that accompanies images of girls running marathons, walking in space, conducting experiments in labs, authoring books and calling cabinet meetings? Then Minaj, Gaga and RiRi could warble about anything they like, as long as they are making careers, and not their bodies, look super sexy. Oh, and please call me Mother Superior from now on.
Image credit: www.bet.com
Cath Janes is forming a black hole of fury so you don't have to. No really, she is. Check it out at The Kraken Wakes if you don't believe her. And yes, she's always been this furious, even when she was an award winning writer and columnist for the UK's newspapers. Motherhood shat all over that particular dream by exploding her vagina then rewarding her with a breakdown of such catastrophic proportions that she's just spent two years shouting at people in bus stations. But now she's back, and she is The Kraken. You have been warned. Connect with her on Twitter @CathJanes.