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The truth about aging vaginas
Aging boobs and faces have been getting all the attention for way too long. Why are our graying honey pots kept such a secret?
I surveyed a group of women in their 30s and 40s, and got some real answers as to the Vaginal Experience.
Sure, it starts out all shiny and new. Pink and trim and bouncy. The darn thing even self-cleans once a month, like a responsible little oven should!
Then the pregnancies happen. Chest puppies aren't the only things that swell up when you're knocked up. These ladies' cha chas plumped and purpled, became overly sensitive, and started to look like two slabs of salami hanging from a burned ham.
Birth itself, even the messy ones, made everyone impressed with the power of their panty hamsters. Passing a lumpy human through an itty bitty hidey hole isn't an easy job, but clearly cooters take this in stride. Bravo, lovely lady parts, bravo!
Once the angels sing and the babies cry and the parents marvel at the miracle of birth, reality sets in: after a hard day's work, your vertical smile will look more like a frown. Episiotomies and natural tearing are a sad trombone in the delivery room, and one can only hope the nurse who stitches things back together does the job right. Even with a deft hand, stitches in your love canal make you pretty much want to never ever have sex ever again.
Luckily, newborn babies are the best birth control ever, and moms can let their cookie cool off for a while. Encouraging Obstetricians ruin the standoff at the 6-week postpartum appointment, giving the muffin stuffin' the green light. Many vaginas tend to curl up in fear, but with a bit of bravery (and supplemental lube), it doesn't take long to get back into the routine of all things push-and-shove.
Most hoohoos are happy with sex post-baby, but exhaustion, co-sleeping, and lack of time take a toll on the frequency. There are also a handful of women who have hormonal changes that stick around. Sahara-like conditions can occur, which is startling at first, for those who never needed to help their little peach to juice up before. But once their heads wrap around the fact that it's a body change, not a desire change, this is easily remedied in many flavors and slipperinesses.
Sometimes a busted box never fully heals, and instead of dusty drawers, the ladies find themselves in the opposite situation: a single sneeze or giggle will deliver a pee trickle. Kegel crunches and Ben Wa ball lifts can only do so much, so surgery is the only option left. Very few females like to piss on her partner during orgasm, so they've begun researching bladder swings and other things that will make them no longer need to depend on Depends. It's a big decision, but no one who has had the procedure regrets it even for a moment.
The final factor in the state of the wonder down under is simply age. Before a single silver curl can sprout from one's bikini line, Father Time shows his face between her legs. Bits are hairier, saggier, and looser. They look like heat-stricken flowers, or sometimes even, as one participant stated, a gordita. Gone are the days of plush pink petals tidily tucked into place. Here are the years of graying meat curtains swinging free, perhaps in an attempt to fan a hot flashing coochie.
Sure they may not look the same or feel the same, but more than one woman stressed that how her husband made her feel made up for any aging lady parts. Feeling desired by a long-term partner, and having the kind of knowledge about yourself that only experience can give, can pep up even the most pooped passionfruits. These are the things that bring on The Big O, no matter what is hiding in your granny panties.
Age, use, and body chemistry cause your lady garden to go through many changes during your life. Let's talk about them more openly, be proud of what vaginas can weather, and learn to recognize that even our front butts can be beautiful at any age.
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Comments (24)
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Sun Jan 27, 2013 - 11:54 am
Just the other day my grandson asked me what a girl's "front butt" was called.Reply -
Report Sun Jan 27, 2013 - 9:49 amOh this is just SO BRILLIANT!!! I love ever single WORD of this post. MUST share. My garden is slowly wilting into 45 years of pushing and pulling and pushing again...and certainly needing a pinch or two. But you're right about age and how we women know what we want even if it's not pretty, it's worthy of attention and our loving decaying care. :)Reply -
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Fri Jan 25, 2013 - 7:30 pm
The things we talk about up in here! I immediately started kegels when I read the title. Panty hamsters??Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Kim Bongiorno on Fri Jan 25, 2013 at 7:52 pm
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Report Fri Jan 25, 2013 - 9:52 amOh my funny! And accurate... There's a third option, believe it or don't, and it's to fix your diastisis. No surgery necessary, just some alterations to your workout. If you're interested- http://fit2b.us/how-to-check-for-diastasis-hd/Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Kim Bongiorno on Fri Jan 25, 2013 at 7:51 pm
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Report Fri Jan 25, 2013 - 7:28 am1. You are a brave woman to survey on this subject! 2. I'm upset about the greying as well...... :-(Reply
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2 replies, Last reply by Kelly @ In the Mom Light Blog on Fri Jan 25, 2013 at 8:28 am
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Report Thu Jan 24, 2013 - 11:12 pmSuch a helpful post: You had me doing my kegels all the way through, AND I learned some new terminology (panty hamsters). Awesome.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Kim Bongiorno on Fri Jan 25, 2013 at 7:43 am
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Thu Jan 24, 2013 - 11:50 pm
I've just got my first grey hairs down there. I thought about getting a Brazilian to hide the fact, but then I remembered all that hair is the only thing keeping the meat curtains in place - tripping over your own hoo-hoo flaps in the supermarket is probably more embarrassing than being observed scratching your nipple by the dirty old man wiggling his eyebrows at you as he grabs lube and condoms.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Kim Bongiorno on Fri Jan 25, 2013 at 7:42 am
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Report Thu Jan 24, 2013 - 11:55 pmI never thought so much about it before, but this whole article had me saying "Ah! Me too!" the whole way through. Off to try and make up with my kegels who I've ignored for months...Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Kim Bongiorno on Fri Jan 25, 2013 at 7:42 am
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Report Fri Jan 25, 2013 - 12:02 amI think I'm going to die!!! I read this at work....a quiet place....and I'm sure my coworkers think I was having some sort of seizure the way I was snorting and jiggling.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Kim Bongiorno on Fri Jan 25, 2013 at 7:41 am
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Report Fri Jan 25, 2013 - 1:40 amI did one long, tight Kegel the entire time I read this. Outstanding imagery!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Kim Bongiorno on Fri Jan 25, 2013 at 7:41 am
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Report Fri Jan 25, 2013 - 2:00 amThere is so much hilarious truth in here, but all I can think is, "WHO IS THE GORDITA?!?" Awesome.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Kim Bongiorno on Fri Jan 25, 2013 at 7:41 am
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Report Thu Jan 24, 2013 - 6:37 pmWhoa whoa whoa - stop the train. Are you telling me that I'm going to get grey hairs down there??? PS I'm going to have to come back and read this again. I have NEVER seen so many wonderful words to describe my vasshole. Thank you!Reply
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2 replies, Last reply by Jessica on Fri Jan 25, 2013 at 7:10 am
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