In The Powder Room

Jan 31

Please don't eat the 44-year-old crackers

Comments (19) by Dusty Earth Mother January 31, 2013 - 7:01 AM

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As our small children look up at us with adoring eyes, does this thought ever cross our minds: "I wonder which of my many flaws they will be mocking one day?"

My mother is a bit of a pack-rat: not true "Hoarders"-level, but she could possibly be one of the characters in the Hoarders Junior board game that I'm sure will be invented eventually. Case in point: The Mysterious Middle-Aged Saltines.

My sister and I surprised Mom with a visit for her birthday this past weekend, flying to the Midwest secretly and descending on her like a bad case of stomach flu. Sorry, with a bad case of stomach flu -- both of us. Surprise! She tended to us in her usual loving, non-homemade way: Lipton Noodle soup with Saltine crackers.

Except for some reason, the soup tasted, well, off. And not off like "that soup tastes a little weird," but off like "that soup tastes like boiled Tin Man." The overpowering metallic flavor could not have come from the soup, my mother insisted, nor from the crackers because they were fresh. Trying not to puke anew, my sister and I followed our sniffers to the culprit -- the battered metal Saltine Cracker canister, which smelled like a welder's shop on a high production day.

 

 

"How old is this thing?" my sister asked, peering at the tiny print on the canister. "Old enough that one of the ingredients listed is ‘lard,'" I countered, grabbing my reading glasses. Then I shrieked, "Good Lord, woman! 1969?!"

"So what? I bought it to hold my crackers," my mother shrugged.

"For 44 years?! Do you realize how much metal has possibly leached into your food?"

She shrugged again. "Eh. That's probably why I'm goofy."

She took our "Heirloom Crackers" ribbing with good grace for the rest of the weekend. But after approximately the forty-fourth joke we made at her expense, I started to feel a slight poking and prodding at my conscience. Considering that I've occasionally found items in the back of my refrigerator that are older than my children, it began to feel like I was perhaps staring into a crystal ball at my future.

And I wonder, which of my many quirks and oddities will my spawn be laughing at one day? Which of yours? And what if our children have (gasp) their own blogs in which to mock us?

Go ahead and answer, I'm listening. You know, while I'm cleaning out the fossilized onions from my vegetable drawer.

by Dusty Earth Mother January 31, 2013 - 7:01 AM

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• • 
    Because a behind in front cannot be ignored

    by The Regular Guy UK May 07, 2013 - 6:02 AM
  • 
    Grandma has a mustache

    by Janie Emaus May 06, 2013 - 6:02 AM
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    Customer service surprise

    by The Bearded Iris April 30, 2013 - 6:02 AM
  • 
    Truck driving mama

    by Janie Emaus April 29, 2013 - 6:01 AM

Comments (19)

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  Report Mon Mar 4, 2013 - 2:55 pm

  by  Hermes handbags

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  Report Mon Feb 4, 2013 - 6:26 pm

  by  rootietoot

  I have that same tin! The crackers in it are fresh tho. I like those metal things, because when we lived in the country, we had rat issues, and the metals things kept the rats out of the food. Almost all the cracker type stuff is stored in a metal tin here.

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• 3 replies, Last reply by Dusty Earth Mother on Mon Feb 4, 2013 at 9:40 pm
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  Report Mon Feb 4, 2013 - 9:05 pm

  by  Dusty Earth Mother

  @rootietoot: But how old is your tin? Old enough to be absorbing metal into your bloodstream? I didn't think so.

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  Report Mon Feb 4, 2013 - 9:37 pm

  by  rootietoot

  @Dusty Earth Mother: It's the same tin as in the picture. However, the crackers are wrapped in plastic, and not in direct contact with the metal.

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  Report Mon Feb 4, 2013 - 9:40 pm

  by  Dusty Earth Mother

  @rootietoot: Oh, good. You're a smart storer. :-)

  Reply Delete
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  Report Sat Feb 2, 2013 - 12:14 am

  by  Kim Bongiorno

  I try not to make fun of my mom too much, but holy crow she has the SAME EXACT TIN OF CRACKERS.

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• 1 reply, Last reply by Dusty Earth Mother on Sat Feb 2, 2013 at 1:37 am
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  Report Sat Feb 2, 2013 - 1:37 am

  by  Dusty Earth Mother

  @Kim Bongiorno: And do you feel like you're looking into your future, Kim, or is borderline-hoarding not one of your particular issues?

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  Report Fri Feb 1, 2013 - 9:27 pm

  by  Janie Emaus

  Your mom sounds a lot like me!

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by Dusty Earth Mother on Fri Feb 1, 2013 at 9:39 pm
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  Report Fri Feb 1, 2013 - 9:39 pm

  by  Dusty Earth Mother

  @Janie Emaus: Well, she is a delightful human being, regardless of her lead poisoning, so I'm sure I would like you too :-)

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  Report Fri Feb 1, 2013 - 6:24 pm

  by  lhewitt

  Hey DEM, First - that is a vintage cracker tin -just saying. Second - I have been "de-cluttering" and I am trying to keep that very thought in mind as I decided what to keep and what to throw away. I am screwed.

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• 1 reply, Last reply by Dusty Earth Mother on Fri Feb 1, 2013 at 9:39 pm
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  Report Fri Feb 1, 2013 - 9:39 pm

  by  Dusty Earth Mother

  @lhewitt: Hey thewitt, good luck on that de-cluttering and throw out anything that may poison you ultimately. Just sayin'.

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  Report Fri Feb 1, 2013 - 8:12 am

  by  The Bearded Iris

  This thought terrifies me! Not the thought of lead-based crackers or the stomach flu...the thought of my children blogging about my many quirks someday. {GULP}

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• 1 reply, Last reply by Dusty Earth Mother on Fri Feb 1, 2013 at 9:13 am
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  Report Fri Feb 1, 2013 - 9:13 am

  by  Dusty Earth Mother

  @The Bearded Iris: Better start striving for perfection, then, because otherwise it's all over, lady.

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  Report Fri Feb 1, 2013 - 3:46 am

  by  RHONDA LOUISE

  When my sister came to stay the first thing she did was open a cupboard above the fridge. She was THRILLED to find a mouldy loaf of a bread a friend had left there a month earlier. Well I'm too short to even see, let alone reach that cupboard. Why would I clean it when I thought it was empty??? She will never let me live that one down.

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• 1 reply, Last reply by Dusty Earth Mother on Fri Feb 1, 2013 at 9:12 am
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  Report Fri Feb 1, 2013 - 9:12 am

  by  Dusty Earth Mother

  @RHONDA LOUISE: I need friends like that to blame. :-)

  Reply Delete
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  Report Fri Feb 1, 2013 - 3:20 am

  by  The Regular Guy UK

  As long as I pass down the family lack of hair then I'll consider my work done - they laugh at me now --- one day...

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• 1 reply, Last reply by Dusty Earth Mother on Fri Feb 1, 2013 at 9:12 am
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  Report Fri Feb 1, 2013 - 9:12 am

  by  Dusty Earth Mother

  @The Regular Guy UK: This is a very good way to look at it. Almost wish I was bald now.

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  Report Fri Feb 1, 2013 - 2:36 am

  by  Anna

  when i was at my dad's house last summer i found spice containers from... the 70s. apparently, still in rotation.

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• 1 reply, Last reply by Dusty Earth Mother on Fri Feb 1, 2013 at 3:03 am
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  Report Fri Feb 1, 2013 - 3:03 am

  by  Dusty Earth Mother

  @Anna: Ah, yes. Were they congealed and impossible to shake out? Because that's what happens at my, sorry, my mother's house.

  Reply Delete