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5 things I could never live without
Between the lack of sunlight, the post-holiday-let-down, and the horribly tragic events in Connecticut last month, my annual winter depression has settled in and made itself comfortable for what appears to be an extended stay.
Well I'm not giving up that easily.
I've decided to escape my winter blues for a while by rereading one of my favorite books: Outlander by Diana Gabaldon.
The majority of this bestselling novel is set in the Scottish Highlands in the year 1743. The main character, Claire Randall, accidentally time-travels 202 years backward and falls in love with Jamie Fraser, a foxy redheaded Scottish outlaw with a price on his head.
I love this book so much I could make a baby with it.
In fact, I did make a baby with it.
That would be my 5-year-old son, "Bucket Head," who was conceived the first time I read this book back in the sultry summer of 2006. In fact, I was so taken by the book, that I would not have been at all surprised if my newborn son had shot out of my quim wearing a kilt and playing the bagpipes.
Ah yes, I remember that summer well. And so does my husband. (Wink wink!)
Women all over the world have been fantasizing about Jamie Fraser for 20 years, in 23 languages. I think one of the reasons this book (and the subsequent series) is so powerful as "escape reading" is due to the author's incredible gift with fine details. She holds three degrees in science: Zoology, Marine Biology, and Quantitative Behavioral Ecology. And her descriptions of scenes and events down to the minutest detail make it feel like you are actually there.
So who needs sunlight when there are good ol' fashioned muscle-flexing broadsword fights and impromptu haystack romps in which to lose oneself?
The only issue I have with this book is now knowing I could never have survived in the mid-eighteenth century.
The smells alone would have done me in.
Thus, I can't very well fantasize about being transported back in time 200 years to find my own Jamie Fraser, because frankly? Ew! I don't care how hot he is, I bet that dude smelled like a thousand camels' balls on a hot summer day.
I've been thinking about other things besides clean smelling men that I couldn't live without if I traveled back through time:
1. Tweezers. How did the ladies manage their facial hair back then? Or splinters?
2. Toothbrushes. Can you even imagine how bad people's breath must have been back then?
3. My Diva Cup. The idea of suffering through my monthlies wearing nothing but an extra rag or two shoved into my skivvies? Horrifying.
4. Hot water on demand. It's no wonder people didn't bathe or shower more often back then. I wouldn't either if I had to do it in a cold stream.
5. Indoor plumbing. Two words: thunder bucket. Imagine having to pee and poop in a ginormous coffee mug. Then imagine having to transport that foul thing outside and wash it out? Lord Almighty. No. Just no.
So, sorry red Jamie. You're fun to read about, but Claire can have you. I'll keep my fresh-smelling man and my fully equipped bathroom.
What would you miss the most if you traveled back through time?
Comments (62)
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Report Wed Jan 9, 2013 - 8:58 amI LOVE THIS SERIES! In fact I often would romanticize about living way back when....until I read Outlander and no toothbrushes and no penicillin slapped reality in my face. But still, Jamie Fraser? Yum. Okay...maybe not the camel balls scent but he is a MAN's MAN. Hmmm. I might have to read that book again...Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Thu Jan 10, 2013 at 8:35 am
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Report Sat Jan 5, 2013 - 11:31 pmIbuprofen. And, because I really don't like alcohol: clean drinking water. And that part of culture that lets me pick a different career than my dad's or, since I'm female, than all the other females. I also enjoy not having to be religious, though if everyone were the same religion, I could probably cope. Of the other things mentioned, I'd most want birth control and refrigeration.Reply
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2 replies, Last reply by Debbie M on Thu Jan 10, 2013 at 1:25 am
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Sat Jan 5, 2013 - 1:07 am
Ha! I've had these same thoughts while reading Outlander. I'd miss everything you said, plus razors - I shave my legs EVERY DAY, oh yes I do. That said, Gabaldon occasionally points out that due to Claire's knowledge of 20th century hygiene and nutrition, she and Jamie seem to fare better than the rest of their 18th century counterparts. Which is to say they bathe regularly and eat plenty of greens so their teeth won't rot, and they both age well throughout the series. So, don't sell yourself short - you might have a shot in the 18th century after all! ;)Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Jan 8, 2013 at 11:59 pm
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Report Fri Jan 4, 2013 - 7:00 amI thought that when seeing that beautiful young woman Mel Gibson's William Wallace fell in love with in "Braveheart". NO WAY her teeth have really been that spectacular. Toothbrushes, toothpaste and hot water. Yes, yes, yes.Reply
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3 replies, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Jan 8, 2013 at 11:58 pm
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Report Fri Jan 4, 2013 - 12:48 amI'm going to listen to the entire series of the Jamie books again. Davina Porter is a brilliant narrator and there must be a few hundred hours of listening there. By which time I'm hoping the new one will be released. I also couldn't do without hot and cold running water, flush toilets and Novocaine (dentist visit is on the horizon).Reply -
3 replies, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Jan 8, 2013 at 11:57 pm
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Sun Jan 6, 2013 - 6:55 am
Indoor plumbing... I do a lot of my reading in the bath tub. Refrigeration... you do not want to see me going through 'Ben and Jerry withdrawals', it ain't a pretty sight! Tolerance... I'm lesbian and while time travel would be cool and all, this girl is not going 'straight' just to go back in time a few hundred years. Nyquil/DayQuil... when I have a bad cold, I can be a real bitch without the proper medication. Oh, wait... would there be vodka? Good Russian vodka? Okay, that would be a perfectly good substitute for cold medicine. *wink*. What is that? Four? Hmmm... okay, no worries about getting preggers or the monthlies, so nothing there. Plenty of wine I understand, so that would take care of some of those personal hygiene issues, although... can I smuggle a toothbrush? I can't imagine not being able to clean my teeth.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Jan 8, 2013 at 11:55 pm
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Mon Jan 7, 2013 - 2:25 am
Guitar, laptop, television on Sundays during football season, the bathroom door (indoor plumbing implied) and good red wine and pizza (NY style) Yeah, that's six.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Jan 8, 2013 at 11:53 pm
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Report Tue Jan 8, 2013 - 8:01 amPlease don't think I'm crazy but I have read this series ( 7 books) twice! I have the graphic novel and the companion guide as well. Now please don't think I'm psycho... I named one of my sons Jamie! My husband is 6'5" and I'm 5'9" so he's going to be a big man. Jamie sounds like a kind, gentle name to me. So, as you can tell, I love these books and fell in love with her writing style. I have tried to get friends reading her but they just didn't get her! I'm glad you have enjoyed as well! Nothing like a good book on a cold night with an eager, clean smelling, naughty husband who does a WONDERFUL Scottish brogue! It don't think I could deal with everyone's funk back then. I'm a nurse and have been subjected to some pretty bad stenches. I don't think I could handle it on a constant basis and would be gagging through my whole existence! I would miss good antibacterial soap and deodorant!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Jan 8, 2013 at 11:52 pm
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Tue Jan 8, 2013 - 5:22 am
You. I couldn't live without you. And toilet paper. XO PS I've never read that book, but it is now ON MY LIST.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Jan 8, 2013 at 11:50 pm
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Report Fri Jan 4, 2013 - 12:02 pmThe Outlander series is THE BEST!! I just love all of Gabaldon's works! Thanks for sharing :)Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Fri Jan 4, 2013 at 9:26 pm
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Report Fri Jan 4, 2013 - 11:58 amAll of the above, plus air conditioning. Women wore so many more layers of clothing back then and did it without air conditioning! HOW??Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Fri Jan 4, 2013 at 9:25 pm
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Fri Jan 4, 2013 - 6:30 am
I think about this sort of thing all the time, especially when anyone talks about the "good old days". There can be no "good old days" without plumbing. Just sayin'.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Fri Jan 4, 2013 at 10:24 am
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Fri Jan 4, 2013 - 7:42 am
I first read those books when I was pregnant with my second child - hormones were flippin'. Here is what I though about how Claire was all useful with her nursing knowledge. I actually started reading about low tech medicine because I knew I was pretty useless without medical machines, transfusions, antibiotics, etc. I had to make sure I was prepared in case, you know, I traveled back in time. EllenReply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Fri Jan 4, 2013 at 10:20 am
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Report Fri Jan 4, 2013 - 1:40 amI don't know where to begin. They made wine back then, right? Then I'd likely be ok without the shower, plumbing etc.Reply
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2 replies, Last reply by lisa thomson on Fri Jan 4, 2013 at 6:02 am
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Report Fri Jan 4, 2013 - 12:29 amI have this book on my bookshelf but haven't read it yet. I should get on it because I've heard great things. I couldn't live without quadruple razors, deodorant, my Diva and/or Lunette cup (good one!), and Blue Bell ice cream. Or my washer & dryer. I'm not a bang my clothes on a rock kind of girlReply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Fri Jan 4, 2013 at 5:49 am
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Report Fri Jan 4, 2013 - 1:02 amOh yes- that is a great book. And such a good idea to re-read during the winter. Thank goodness I'm past childbearing age. I can't imagine how food smelled or was prepared - the thought of rotten food smell makes me gag right now.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Fri Jan 4, 2013 at 5:45 am
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Thu Jan 3, 2013 - 11:13 pm
My household staff: Kenmore, Fridgidair, Maytag, and JenAire. Oh, and Carrier. Must Have Air Conditioning. Also that stuff that makes my hair soft and curly. And anything with an internal combustion engine- cars,lawnmowers, husbands, etc.Reply -
3 replies, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Fri Jan 4, 2013 at 5:41 am
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Report Fri Jan 4, 2013 - 2:22 amForget conveniences, I would have starved to death! I desketchify my chicken within an inch of its life. I would have been burned at the stake for wasting all the grossness! I can't wait for the next book and series!!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Fri Jan 4, 2013 at 5:40 am
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Report Fri Jan 4, 2013 - 12:27 amI lived without all of these things for over 3 years as a peacecorps volunteer. I didn't have a mirror so tweezers were not necessary, I did have a tooth brush but my villagers used the local Nem Tree which is packed with floride to brush. Using a rag...you get used to it...seriously you do. Who needs hot water when it's 120 degrees outside....and when you do boiling water is easy...cooking 101. And although I used an outdoor latrine rather than a "thunder bucket" you learn to not be grosed out by such things especially when you are greeted everymorning by 20 or so children pooping in the field outside your mud hut. You would be amazed at what you can live without!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Fri Jan 4, 2013 at 12:31 am
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Report Fri Jan 4, 2013 - 12:19 amBirth control. Can you imagine what it would be like to worry about getting pregnant EVERY time you opened your legs?!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Fri Jan 4, 2013 at 12:29 am
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Report Thu Jan 3, 2013 - 11:26 pmLOVED that book but wasn't as fond of the gazillion sequels. Have you read the Lymond Chronicles, by Dorothy Dunnett? Starts in Scotland when Mary Queen O'Scots was a wee girl....brilliant. Swashing & buckling all over the damn place. But o yes, I do think about how bad everyone smelled & how borderline rotten the food must have been, and about the monthlies & privies (or lack thereof), and the enormous weight of the clothes--all that wool! As for the vibrator question...um... horseback riding, anyone? Sidesaddle, with your leg just crooked around that wee pommel....and etc.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Fri Jan 4, 2013 at 12:18 am
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Report Fri Jan 4, 2013 - 12:08 amFlip-Flops...I would miss the hell out of my Rainbows! My feet don't know how to move in real shoes.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Fri Jan 4, 2013 at 12:17 am
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Report Thu Jan 3, 2013 - 11:24 pmLOVE this series. And am really at a loss as to why nobody's made it into a movie (or a series of movies a la Harry Potter). SERIOUSLY Hollywood. There is a *huge* audience just waiting for you to make this happen.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Fri Jan 4, 2013 at 12:15 am
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Thu Jan 3, 2013 - 10:25 pm
I think I'd miss my vibrator. Not so sure about all the technology. It would be nice not to feel so overloaded.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Thu Jan 3, 2013 at 10:35 pm
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Report Thu Jan 3, 2013 - 9:58 pmHello! One of my Twitter followers retweeted this - so I have to thank them. Very funny post - but true! I think I have to get that book - the doldrums have set in on me as well...in this dreary part of Long Island. No tweezers...no indoor plumbing or hot water...perish the thought. One of my best friends and I always would say "The pioneers didn't have to worry about "x" (insert a modern annoyance, i.e. email, the Fiscal Cliff, daily tweeting, the Kardashians) - so it's just another way of looking at the past - but on the brighter side of the things they didn't have to contend with!! Great post... LindaReply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Thu Jan 3, 2013 at 10:34 pm
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Thu Jan 3, 2013 - 9:21 pm
All of the above. Coke (the beverage), glitter,yoga pants, magic markers, oreos, velveetta cheese, my coffee maker, you, ITPR, there is more, but I'm still waiting on the coffee to kick in. You said "Thus". bahahha. Son got me the "complete set" of George R.R. Martin "A Song of Ice and Fire" which includes "The Game of Thrones" plus the latest in that series. Last yeat it was "The Complete Works of Miss Jane Austen". Yeah. He's a reader. I did that. Pass the Prozac, please.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Thu Jan 3, 2013 at 9:55 pm
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Thu Jan 3, 2013 - 9:07 pm
I'd miss massages by hairless, odorless women in spas that serve that water with cucumbers in it. Pretty sure those things weren't around back then.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Thu Jan 3, 2013 at 9:53 pm
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