We're judging the wrong mothers

Jul 05

We're judging the wrong mothers

by Sandra C July 05, 2012 - 6:02 AM

The debate over which is the better mother: the stay-at-home mommy versus the working mommy, is a debate that's been going on for at least a hundred years.

Women are so quick to jump to conclusions about a parent's skill and value based on whether or not she is in or out of the home.

Personally, I couldn't care less.

Work.

Don't work.

I don't believe either of these affects a mother's role in the home, and I certainly don't think that a mother's presence in the home is a deciding factor as to whether or not she's a good mom.

I will not judge you if you stay at home with your children or if you work outside of the home.

I will, however, judge you, if I'm sitting beside you in the food court at the mall, and this is what I have to endure while I'm eating my lunch:

Mother: Are you done your lunch?

Four year old child does not respond, and proceeds to climb on table.

Mother: Are you done with your lunch? Because we have to go.

Child still does not respond, and now is sitting on his lunch.

Mother takes napkin and wipes ketchup from boy's butt.

Mother: Are you done with your lunch? Because you have to get a haircut.

Child looks at mother, removes her eyeglasses, and runs to put them in the recycling bins.

Mother catches child. Saves her eyeglasses. Brings boy back to the recently sat upon burger.

Mother: Are you done your with lunch? Because we have to go?

Child is now climbing mother like a play structure, and is attempting to perch upon her head.

Mother: Are you done with your lunch? Are you done with your lunch? Mommy's going to eat your lunch if you don't eat your lunch.

By this point, I wanted to scream, "For the love of all things scared, just eat his fucking lunch!"

So maybe this mother was just really hungry.

Or maybe she really didn't have a clue that she should have taken the lunch away from him before he had taken the lipstick from her purse and started drawing Betty Boop lips on himself.

Either way, if she was a stay-at-home mother or a working mom who was home for the day with her child, it's clear that she makes the whole "stay-at-home mom versus working mom" debate seem a little pointless...especially when you take into account that a perfectly good burger now had ass-prints in it.

by Sandra C July 05, 2012 - 6:02 AM

Comments (39)

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Report Wed Sep 19, 2012 - 11:25 am

by HUAWEI U8660

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Report Tue Jul 10, 2012 - 9:54 am

by Laurie

Working or not. Mothers should say what they mean and mean what they say. A friend of mine always did the empty threats with her boys. I told her threats are just like promises, you should always follow through or there will be lack of trust. Reading your post reminded me of a time when my son was 3. We were at McD. I told him to sit down or I'll throw out his sundae. After I said it I thought, fucker, why did you say that, you should have said you'd eat it. I told him once he ate two bites and ran away. Sundae went into the garbage and we went home. Today 12 years later, we have a very open trusting relationship--I partially owe it to that day, when I learned to think before I talk.
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Report Fri Jul 6, 2012 - 2:36 am

by Anita

I was just in the grocery store yesterday, my basket full, but in need of salad dressing. In my way, was a mother who appeared to have just gotten off work and picked up her 4ish year old son. She was picking him up to get the salad dressing off the top shelf and they literally took at least 2 minutes to discuss what dressing was best while she held his big a**. He wanted Brand A, she wanted Brand B. I kept searching for my brand as I listened; holding my tongue instead of telling her that she was wasting her "quality time" in the grocery store, debating with a child when they could be home by now! I didn't say that, but I did whisper to her, "Next time, just put both in the basket and sneak his out later." She did not respond, but I hope she got my message, that motherhood is not about making everything cushy and comfortable for our children; and to "Man up!" So yes, I relate to your ketchup story. Thanks for letting me share my story and for the laugh.
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4 replies, Last reply by Anita on Sat Jul 7, 2012 at 7:36 am
Report Fri Jul 6, 2012 - 7:43 am

by Sandra C

@Anita: I think you gave that lady wise words indeed. Maybe next time, as she's balancing a kid on her shoulders, she'll remember them. See, totally a good deed you did!
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Report Fri Jul 6, 2012 - 11:00 am

by Ludicrous Mama

@Anita: I tell my 4-yo daughter she can hold her [whatever she chose] or put it in the cart, but that I won't be buying it. She's got a steel trap brain, and would ask me a week later where HER flavor of salad dressing is if I don't!
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Report Fri Jul 6, 2012 - 5:47 pm

by Kande

@Anita: With all due respect, I have a completely different perspective. When we work all day, then pick our kids up at a time that they are tired, and overwhelmed, and hungry and missing us after us being away all day ... yet we still have to make the dreaded "grocery store stop" because for whatever reason we planned but not well enough - why NOT take the extra time to talk about which dressing we should pick up rather than grabbing what WE want and dragging a screaming child around the store or grabbing what THEY want then stomping around mad because we caved? The mom lifted up her son - was listening to him - was interacting with him - was involving him in the necessary chore of shopping but allowing him to have his own voice - wasn't caving into his demands but having a discussion about it. How on earth is that worse "quality time" than they could have been having at home? Seems to me like she slowed down and made a quality time moment in the moment she was in. To me it's actually sheer brilliance and I think highlights great parenting skill. But in fairness - I wasn't there to witness the full exchange so perhaps I am missing something? I can only go by the info provided - and by the parents I have witnessed (myself included) who drag over-tired kids to stores when we are over-tired themselves, don't include them in the shopping experience other than saying no, and then wonder why they are tantruming. I am now one of the annoying moms who let my toddler "help' push the cart or "help" pull the hand buggy and "help" pick out our products and "help" as much as possible while talking to my older child about what we are buying and what we will be making and healthy choices - because to me, quality time is when we are together no matter where we are.
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Report Sat Jul 7, 2012 - 7:36 am

by Anita

@Kande: I had a feeling that I should come back to see if there were any replies to my comment. Sandra, Ludicrous Mom, and Kande: all interesting comments.Thank you for responding with your feelings. When I wrote my comment, I was influenced by you, Sandra, and your humor, so that is why I joined the fun of getting humor out of everyday life. As I wrote, I actually thought, someone is going to ask why I'm teaching the child to lie by slyly removing the salad dressing; and/or that the child was having a learning experience. I understand what you've said, Kande. When my children were young, I tried to involve them in everything to teach them, too. And that is what the mother was clearly trying to do. However, I neglected to say how tired she looked and sounded and how the child (who may have been younger than 4) was controling the conversation. It's hard watching a parent who appears to fear her child. I felt sorry for her. I was wondering what it will be like when the boy is 14. But I'll admit, kids "can" be scary. Confrontations, battles, tantrums, etc. can deter the best parent from attempting to control the situation - and it doesn't matter whether it's a tired parent coming home from work or a stay-at-home mom who has taxied her 3 kids all over town to their activites (that would be me). To sum up, I look back and wonder were certain things necessary when I was raising younger children. Hindsight tells me "no." My mother also told me "no" when I bent over backwards for my kids. So, I guess I had that "mother-of-older children" feeling of "been there, done that" and wanted to give her some help. But, I guess we all have to figure it out on our own; and there, apparently, are many formulas in doing so. So maybe my solution was not the best; not that I take it back. :) But, "Mommy has to make some decisions" would definitely be a new phrase for him to learn. Thanks Ladies.
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Report Fri Jul 6, 2012 - 8:01 am

by Andrea

I haven't yet read any of the other comments but nice to meet you I
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1 reply, Last reply by Andrea on Sat Jul 7, 2012 at 2:44 am
Report Sat Jul 7, 2012 - 2:44 am

by Andrea

@Andrea: And yet another one. Tis not working for me here in your 'hood. My comments are out of whack. Sorry!
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Report Fri Jul 6, 2012 - 1:48 am

by lhewitt

And why do they say it so loud?
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5 replies, Last reply by Sandra C on Sat Jul 7, 2012 at 2:35 am
Report Fri Jul 6, 2012 - 7:43 am

by Sandra C

@lhewitt: Right! Right! That was partly my point? But in order to be a glass-is-half-full person, maybe the boy couldn't hear her so she had to keep repeating it over and over and over again.
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Report Fri Jul 6, 2012 - 10:42 pm

by lhewitt

@Sandra C: Nope, if the boy was hearing impaired he would have either had hearing aids or been signing. I have two nieces who are hearing impaired. - they learned to sign before they learned to speak. I have read all these comments (or the ones posted so far) . I just don't want to go to a grocery store or anywhere else for that matter and be inconvenienced to the point of extreme annoyance by parents being unable to control their children. It's a store, restaurant,church, etc. It is not the playground. It is not home. How are they going to behave when they are grown-ups?
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Report Sat Jul 7, 2012 - 2:03 am

by Sandra C

@lhewitt: Good for you for calling me out on this! You are right! And I want to be fair to all of the commenters, but the truth is, I would not have put up with that shit either. I can sit here and pretend I would have been all loving, but two strikes and you're out.
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Report Sat Jul 7, 2012 - 2:27 am

by lhewitt

@Sandra C: Lady, you know I was not calling you out and I want to be fair too but DAMN. ( and I had just got back from the grocery store). $266.00 and somebodies brats screaming all over the store - Oh Hell No. Sandra, I am not even sure we judged her - her kid already did.
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Report Sat Jul 7, 2012 - 2:35 am

by Sandra C

@lhewitt: Got it! For $266, hope you got the kind of salad dressing YOU wanted :)
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Report Fri Jul 6, 2012 - 10:35 am

by Jam

This made me laugh I do not understand why some mothers keep asking such questions over and over I ask once maybe twice the the food is gone...........lol As for which is better stay at home or working mother the answer is simple..............a loveing connected mother is best................
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra C on Sat Jul 7, 2012 at 2:06 am
Report Sat Jul 7, 2012 - 2:06 am

by Sandra C

@Jam: For me, the amount of times I would have asked would have been directly correlated to how hungry I was. If I was really hungry, I'm not sure I would have even asked. I would have taken the burger, and said, "You're not very hungry, are you? Mommy will help."
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Report Fri Jul 6, 2012 - 8:01 pm

by Tere

Thank you for the insight. I have always been a work away from home mom. I think my child loves me more for not following him around... but some day... some day...
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra C on Sat Jul 7, 2012 at 2:05 am
Report Sat Jul 7, 2012 - 2:05 am

by Sandra C

@Tere: Work away from home or staying at home, I honestly don't think the kids are better off or worse off. There are pros and cons with everything.
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Report Fri Jul 6, 2012 - 11:36 pm

by YKIHAYHT

Love when we ask the same question over and over again. I am guilty at times, but I like to think that mine know after the 2nd time, it's gonna get real. Love this post!
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra C on Sat Jul 7, 2012 at 2:02 am
Report Sat Jul 7, 2012 - 2:02 am

by Sandra C

@YKIHAYHT: Thank you, and thanks for dropping by. And yes, some comments made the point that I was unfairly judging the mall mother, and I guess I was. But the fact remains that I would have gotten bored after the second time as well, and the burger would have been in the garbage.
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Report Fri Jul 6, 2012 - 3:40 pm

by Lori Dyan

Love this!
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Report Thu Jul 5, 2012 - 9:45 pm

by Kimberly

I am working now, but hope to be able to stay at home with my kids in the future. There are days when I'm at work when I want so badly to just be spending the day with my kids, and then there are days when I've been breaking up fights for 12 hours and I am thrilled at the prospect of returning to work. It doesn't matter to me what people choose to do; whatever works for your family is what you should do.
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2 replies, Last reply by Tonya on Fri Jul 6, 2012 at 10:20 am
Report Fri Jul 6, 2012 - 7:49 am

by Sandra C

@Kimberly: It's definitely the age-old issue. I'm quite certain it will never be resolved. I honestly find it difficult coming home after having been gone all day. The kids are all at me, and everyone has something to complain about, or they want to show me something, but all four are on me at the same time, and my husband has something to say...I just want to turn around, and walk right back out. At least when I'm at home, I may not be interacting with them constantly, but I'm available if they need me...which they don't so much anymore, so I went to school to get a career...see, vicious cycle...
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Report Fri Jul 6, 2012 - 10:20 am

by Tonya

@Sandra C: I stay home and it doesn't matter because when the kids are in school and they come home I have the same situation with everyone talking at me at once about their days. Needing this or that. And I have 4 too! Sometimes I wish I did work outside of the home because heaven knows I work endlessly at home...
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Report Thu Jul 5, 2012 - 9:37 pm

by Nicki

So freaking true!!!!!! I worked with my daughter and stayed home with my son. I was more patient with my daughter so the time together was quality. But I did miss out on a lot. I had a ton of time with my son, missed absolutely nothing and wanted to hang myself most often. There are pros and cons to both but I will tell you what, my kids knew where they stood and when some discipline was a'brewin' regardless of whether I stayed home or not. Being a parent is not ALL about physical presence! That woman would have driven me nuts. I walk away from those people because if I don't, I will scream at them.
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra C on Fri Jul 6, 2012 at 7:50 am
Report Fri Jul 6, 2012 - 7:50 am

by Sandra C

@Nicki: See, you can see this from both sides!
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Report Thu Jul 5, 2012 - 10:06 pm

by Ashley

It has always been my belief that the most important gift a mother can bring to her family is her own happiness. A mom who is happy with her own life is essential to a happy family unit, so with that in mind, a mom should do whatever makes her happy. Some women are happy being working moms. Some are happy staying at home. As for myself, I am not a parent yet but when I am, I will probably be working mom that might just have the opportunity to work from home, as a writer. That would be pretty cool to me. But if I don't get to work from home, I plan on taking up my vacation opportunities to make sure I can get more quality time with the kids and husband.
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra C on Fri Jul 6, 2012 at 7:47 am
Report Fri Jul 6, 2012 - 7:47 am

by Sandra C

@Ashley: It's a toughy. I've been a SAHM for 16 years. Now I'm starting my foray into the work force a few days a week, and I'm feeling horribly guilty for not being there to do little things like make my son a sandwich...which is so stupid because he makes his own sandwich when I am home...
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Report Thu Jul 5, 2012 - 11:14 pm

by Wombat Central

I love the moms who bribe their kids to do the littlest things like get out of the swimming pool. Yay! Trip to The Tergit to get a new toy because you listened to mommeee! I'm exhausted just watching.
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra C on Fri Jul 6, 2012 at 7:46 am
Report Fri Jul 6, 2012 - 7:46 am

by Sandra C

@Wombat Central: It's a toughy. I hung my head in shame after reading Ruth's comment, and yet, I also agree that at some point, just get out of the effin pool!
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Report Thu Jul 5, 2012 - 11:26 pm

by Kande

Really, regardless of any hot topics period ... does any mom truly think any other mom would be better at raising our own kids than we are? Nope. No matter our choices one of every moms worst horrors is the thought of her kid(s) being raised by someone who is not her! I bet the mom in question above, had she witnessed Sandra telling her kid once to eat his lunch then removing it would have thought as she wiped ketchup off her own kid's butt " wow, look at that mom starving her kid and being all harsh, I'm sure glad I don't act like that!" ( for the record I would have silently judged as well, but am making a point). First truth? If you aren't, for example, punching your kid in the face then you probably are doing ok parenting wise. There is always better but sadly enough there is usually always worse. Second truth? Our kids don't really spend a lot of time debating who has the best Mom. They usually all think they do, that is human nature " Mommy you are the best Mommy ever!" though they may throw in a " except for Sally's who lets her kids eat chocolate all day" but that is more to get chocolate out of you, not to move in with Sally. It has been shown that for the most part, kids would rather stay in abusive homes than move into foster homes or other child custody arrangements. Sad and not right, but again - hard to over-ride human nature and not preferring your own parents is a pretty basic instinct. Third truth? Guys never have "Daddy wars" because they are too busy talking about things like guns and computers and sex and boobs and sports and - I dunno, that is a pretty stereotypical list but I'm not a guy and you get the point. In fact I was so pissed off about the stupid breast vs bottle debate I said to my husband yesterday " Guys would never debate this. If men could breastfeed they would never give a shit about what other males did. However, they would probably waste a lot of milk seeing who could write their breastmilk name in the snow or squirt it the furthest. THAT I could see! But to worry about who is staying home vs who isn't, who co-sleeps vs who doesn't, who breastfed vs who bottlefed ... would never happen! Not that I want to be male, but what a shame women can't have more of that ..."
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra C on Fri Jul 6, 2012 at 7:44 am
Report Fri Jul 6, 2012 - 7:44 am

by Sandra C

@Kande: Great comment Kande! As I was reading, I was thinking, "She totally needs to write a blog post about this!" Very insightful and thoughtful, and fantastic! Thanks for taking the time!
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Report Fri Jul 6, 2012 - 1:42 am

by Ruth

I just love your writing Sandra! I enjoy how you always seem to have your writing finger on the pulse of what women and mothers are thinking, feeling and living. I thought the above article was hilarious and I have had many internal giggles over similar situations. That said, I don't think we should judge ANY mothers. We don't know what that Mom with the sandwich sitting kid has gone through - what trauma she might be experiencing in her life or even if her child has autism... who knows. We are all a bit tough on each other and there is too much judging going on all round :)
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3 replies, Last reply by Sandra C on Fri Jul 6, 2012 at 7:41 am
Report Fri Jul 6, 2012 - 2:46 am

by Wombat Central

@Ruth: Okay, after reading that glass-half-full comment, I feel like a heel for leaving mine about the bribing mom (which, admittedly we've probably all done to some degree!). I do agree that we should probably judge a lot less. *hangs head in judgy shame*
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Report Fri Jul 6, 2012 - 7:02 am

by Janie Emaus

@Ruth: My sentiments exactly.
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Report Fri Jul 6, 2012 - 7:41 am

by Sandra C

@Ruth: I completely agree with you Ruth. It is very easy to judge, and clearly I did just that. In my defence though, when the topic of SAHM vs. working moms was introduced as the topic of the week, I had nothing. Until I saw the lady and the boy who sat on his hamburger. But I agree, and I always say, "It's so easy to judge, isn't it." And yet I totally did it.
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Report Fri Jul 6, 2012 - 7:34 am

by Lady Estrogen

If I had the money, I'd be a SAHM *and* have a nanny... and a cook... and a maid. Judge if you must ;)
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra C on Fri Jul 6, 2012 at 7:38 am
Report Fri Jul 6, 2012 - 7:38 am

by Sandra C

@Lady Estrogen: Pffftt...what is there to judge? As long as your kid isn't wasting a perfectly good burger, it's all good.
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