Stupid questions to ask mothers of twins
Picture yourself at the grocery store. Picture yourself seeing a mum pushing a trolley with not one but two babies in the seat and you mentally think "Twins, and not like Arnie and DeVito!" Now imagine what you'd say to her as your trolleys passed by each other in the aisle.
Any number of items that just flashed through your mind are things that mothers of multiples have heard many, many times over. I have twins myself (a son and daughter), and even almost five years on I still get sick of hearing the same old comments.
Allow me to help? The following are questions/comments I've genuinely gotten, as well as some responses which do some justice.
Twins! Are they natural?
No, they're a polymer-based Gore-tex blend. They get stinky, but we do really well on the moisture repellant.
Are they identical?
Kinda' hard, considering that whole "penis/vagina" debacle.
Did you have fertility treatment?
When you got pregnant, was it missionary or cheap-wine-and-curry-I-can't-be-bothered-doggie style? What, none of my business? No?
Do twins run in your family?
This is code for "are they fertility babies?" This has been cleverly disguised to invite comment about said treatment. I usually reply by way by saying "They're twins, they run everywhere!" I once had a woman then reply with "No, that's not what I meant." To which I smiled tightly and said, "Yes, I rather understood that.
Are they twins?
No, they were buy one get one free at the hospital. Total bargain.
Did you know you were having twins?
No, although I swelled to the size of a house and live in a Westernized society, I have only had access to voodoo medicine. The chicken bone reading really freaking let me down this time, I tell you.
Which one's the evil twin?
Don't let the dimples fool you, lady, they both have a "666" birthmark behind their ears.
Which one's your favorite?
I am emotionally unable to even tell the cat and dog which one of them is my favorite, do you really think I will subscribe that kind of status to human beings?
How do you do it?
I have six nannies, two maids, boarding school lined up and a lifetime supply of Valium. Or, maybe, I just had twins and there is no other alternative to just get on with things. You decide which is best.
You have your hands full!
I go for the freaky on this one. I smile beatifically and say, with all of my teeth showing, "Yes, but Jesus made my heart full." Then I keep smiling. Big smiles, with as many teeth showing as possible from a dentition point of view. People back away.
If you see a mum of multiples, do us a favour - ignore how tired we look, how disorganized, that maybe one of our kids has mismatched socks. Just tell us our kids are beautiful, even if one of them has chicken pox. You'd do the same for a mum with a single baby, right?