I don't give a damn anymore
As a I sat watching my daughter swarmed by her girlfriends at the dance studio, every little girl in the group clutching onto the arm of the other; smiling; laughing; an overwhelming sense of their connectedness, I realized what I've wanted my entire life: to fit in.
I have never been part of a group, club, team, or workplace, where I felt like I belonged.
By this I don't mean that everyone is mean to me, and oh boohoo, nobody likes me, and poor me, people throw banana peels at me...no no...
...I get along just fine with pretty much everybody.
It's just that I have never had that community connectedness that was so evident between my daughter and her friends.
I thought adulthood meant the end of cliques. But it doesn't. There are more cliques in adulthood than in high school: the school moms, the dance moms, the hockey moms, schooling, the workplace...even the gym has cliques. Like it's not bad enough that I'm in there, sweating my ass off holding a fucking barbell above my head, BUT I also have to contend with the fact that I'm not part of the cool gym group.
I make great efforts wherever I go to fit in. I introduce myself. I smile. I ask questions...
I ask a lot of questions: "Where do you work? Do you have children? That sandwich looks good: what's in it?"
Now perhaps because I initiate most relationships, or perhaps I repeatedly approach the wrong people, but whatever the reason, inevitably, I always end up being the person who has to lead the conversation, ask the questions, and bestow the interest.
You know what? Once in a while, it would be nice if someone would ask me how I was doing, question me about my family matters, ask me where I bought my purse. Whatever! Ask me something!
The other day as I was in my car, waiting for the world's longest train to go by, chewing my nails down to the cuticle because I knew I was going to be late for an event where I was to mingle with other people who are training with me for my competition, the light bulb finally went off.
I don't need to be at this event. Nobody is going to notice. Nobody is going to care. I am stressing myself out, trying to make it there so I can...what? Why do I want to be there so badly? So I can try and ingratiate myself to people, who for the past five months haven't been able to remember my name?
I turned my car around and went back home.
In that moment, I made a life altering decision: I don't give a shit about fitting in anymore.
I couldn't give a good goddamn about who likes me and who doesn't.
And furthermore, I am no longer going to ask you what's in your sandwich.