Feb 09
 |
I don't give a damn anymore
by As a I sat watching my daughter swarmed by her girlfriends at the dance studio, every little girl in the group clutching onto the arm of the other; smiling; laughing; an overwhelming sense of their connectedness, I realized what I've wanted my entire life: to fit in.
I have never been part of a group, club, team, or workplace, where I felt like I belonged.
By this I don't mean that everyone is mean to me, and oh boohoo, nobody likes me, and poor me, people throw banana peels at me...no no...
...I get along just fine with pretty much everybody.
It's just that I have never had that community connectedness that was so evident between my daughter and her friends.
I thought adulthood meant the end of cliques. But it doesn't. There are more cliques in adulthood than in high school: the school moms, the dance moms, the hockey moms, schooling, the workplace...even the gym has cliques. Like it's not bad enough that I'm in there, sweating my ass off holding a fucking barbell above my head, BUT I also have to contend with the fact that I'm not part of the cool gym group.
I make great efforts wherever I go to fit in. I introduce myself. I smile. I ask questions...
I ask a lot of questions: "Where do you work? Do you have children? That sandwich looks good: what's in it?"
Now perhaps because I initiate most relationships, or perhaps I repeatedly approach the wrong people, but whatever the reason, inevitably, I always end up being the person who has to lead the conversation, ask the questions, and bestow the interest.
You know what? Once in a while, it would be nice if someone would ask me how I was doing, question me about my family matters, ask me where I bought my purse. Whatever! Ask me something!
The other day as I was in my car, waiting for the world's longest train to go by, chewing my nails down to the cuticle because I knew I was going to be late for an event where I was to mingle with other people who are training with me for my competition, the light bulb finally went off.
I don't need to be at this event. Nobody is going to notice. Nobody is going to care. I am stressing myself out, trying to make it there so I can...what? Why do I want to be there so badly? So I can try and ingratiate myself to people, who for the past five months haven't been able to remember my name?
I turned my car around and went back home.
In that moment, I made a life altering decision: I don't give a shit about fitting in anymore.
I couldn't give a good goddamn about who likes me and who doesn't.
And furthermore, I am no longer going to ask you what's in your sandwich.
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Comments (81)
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Report Mon Mar 12, 2012 - 6:37 amMan, I'm terrible at groups, too! Not that anyone dislikes me, but even among people I've arguably known for a while, I'm the one still trying to join in a conversation under my own steam, only to have the next person's comment turn the conversation back into one in which I am not participating. It really gets to me sometimes, but most of the time now I've learned that, if no one likes what I say when I'm trying not to be weird, then I might as well just have fun. Worst case, no one joins in. I still had fun! I've worn fairy princess outfits to read fairy tales with my kids in the park. I've skipped down a sunny sidewalk chanting childhood rhymes. I've turned my face up to heaven and hugged the sky. I danced so exuberantly at a wedding that for about 5 minutes the photographer did nothing but snap shot after shot of me flirting with the camera. I've sung Disney songs by request like a demented jukebox in public, just to make my daughter smile. I have gotten into unabashed "fart noise" contests with other people's kids. Heck, I told an old folktale about stolen testicles once or twice, because it's a hilarious friggin' story. Most times, nobody cared to join in. But instead of feeling sad or wrong, all I felt was pity. Well, until the next batch of hormones came along, and I sat sniffling into a handkerchief because no one will be weird with me. Meh. You win some, you lose some, right?Reply -
Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 7:43 pmSo I have never been in the groups either. I always thought it was because I was so amazing that everyone was afraid they could never live up to my level of perfection and in an effort to avoid being let down due to their own failures they avoided me. Do you mean to tell me that people may not actually recognize the level of amazing wonderful perfection I bring to the world?! Honey I think turning around was the right thing, those people were not strong enough to handle your perfection so just go have a martini and allow others to come bask in the glory of your presence.Reply
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Report Wed Feb 15, 2012 - 11:15 pmStory of life too this thought it was just meReply
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1 reply, Last reply by Claire toplis on Wed Feb 15, 2012 at 11:16 pm
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Report Wed Feb 15, 2012 - 2:51 pmI so agree with this blog! I tell myself I don't care what people think. I convince myself I am just as good. Or that I don't need anyone else....... or their opinions don't matter or don't hurt.... Then I sit here, near tears, because I wasn't invited to the lunch... It does still matter to me. Pathetic!Reply
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Report Sun Feb 12, 2012 - 4:03 amProud of you girl!!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Tue Feb 14, 2012 at 3:12 am
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Report Sat Feb 11, 2012 - 12:58 amI gave up giving a flip about what people think about me a looooonnnnggg time ago.....or at least that's what I keep telling myself.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Tue Feb 14, 2012 at 3:11 am
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Report Sat Feb 11, 2012 - 3:21 pmWelcome to the dark side! I ceased giving a shot several years ago, and the sense of liberation is astounding. Bizarrely, I have more friends now than I did back then.Reply
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2 replies, Last reply by Sandra on Tue Feb 14, 2012 at 3:11 am
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Report Mon Feb 13, 2012 - 7:13 pmI love you, woman. I have a few good friends in this world, but I don't give a flying duck about "fitting in" either.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Tue Feb 14, 2012 at 3:10 am
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Report Sun Feb 12, 2012 - 10:58 pmAll we need are a few good friends who care about us no matter what, and the rest of the world be damned. Anyone would be lucky to call you friend, Sandra.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Tue Feb 14, 2012 at 3:09 am
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Mon Feb 13, 2012 - 7:35 pm
I am starting to feel the same way, which is quite liberating. As a teenager, I was obsessed - plagued, even - with what my peers thought of me. I went to high school on Staten Island, a place where if you don't fit in, you've basically signed your own death sentence. The anxiety that came from worrying about what people thought of me screwed me up for years. It's only now at the age of 28 where I'm slowly realizing, "This is who I am and if you don't like it, then FUCK YOU!" The more I stay true to myself, the happier I feel. Great article, thanks Sandra!!!Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Tue Feb 14, 2012 at 3:09 am
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Report Thu Feb 9, 2012 - 6:24 pmYeah that's one of the problems of working in an office - having to think of inane questions about what is in your sandwich to your co-workers and having to go for drinks with peeps you can't stand. Luckily I no longer have to work in an office and I sort of keep myself to myself because I don't give a shit either!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Fri Feb 10, 2012 at 11:26 pm
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Report Thu Feb 9, 2012 - 6:31 pmthis post is very nice and interesting one to read.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Fri Feb 10, 2012 at 11:26 pm
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Report Thu Feb 9, 2012 - 7:14 pmYou're unique and should be proud of that. I mean, really ... did you care what was in that sandwich? 'Cause unless it's got meatballs covered in cheese, it ain't worth a second glance. ;)Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Fri Feb 10, 2012 at 11:25 pm
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Report Thu Feb 9, 2012 - 7:17 pmI sort of fit in, in that I'm not on the outs with anyone. But I have 2 tiny kids, work full full time, and don't really have time to attempt any fitting in activities. I keep hoping to magically meet some kindred spirits so that we can share sandwich filling conversations in a meaningful way!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Fri Feb 10, 2012 at 11:25 pm
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Report Thu Feb 9, 2012 - 7:45 pmAmen! And Hallelujah, Sister! You go, girl.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Fri Feb 10, 2012 at 11:24 pm
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Report Thu Feb 9, 2012 - 8:01 pmbut....you are one of "us" now, right? and we're pretty darn cool - right? so, how you doin? care for a persian?Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Fri Feb 10, 2012 at 11:24 pm
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Report Thu Feb 9, 2012 - 8:43 pmI had a salad. But it's okay. No one was there to give a damn about it.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Fri Feb 10, 2012 at 11:22 pm
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Report Thu Feb 9, 2012 - 10:58 pmI agree a thousand percent. I was raised to be a people pleased. Make them happy at all costs and, if they don't like you, it is your fault and you must try harder. Now, I say fuck that shit. Ya don't like me, my hair, my accent, my tattoos, my mouth, well fuck you running! They don't deserve your friendship or love of sandwich fixins! And, is it a Canadian thing to throw banana peels at people who are sad lol ;)?Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Fri Feb 10, 2012 at 11:22 pm
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Report Thu Feb 9, 2012 - 11:39 pmAw, pumpkin, you already know I big-squishy-pink-heart you!!!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Fri Feb 10, 2012 at 11:20 pm
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Report Fri Feb 10, 2012 - 1:20 amThis is why blogging is awesome. Because you can meet people outside of the cliques in your day-to-day life. You are beautiful and amazing the way you are, and I hope you find a group of close friends who realize that! Hopefully people who like to hear stories about farts and use the word vagina...Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Fri Feb 10, 2012 at 11:20 pm
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Report Fri Feb 10, 2012 - 2:08 amI am gonna tell you something. I know you through pics and the words you write which are more honest and self effacing than most people who meet you probably get. I had a friend who was ultra surf stud in my eyes him and now world famous surfer Kelly Slater used to party with beer and ganja at my apt near the beach that was a revolving door for beach boys and girls. He once...in a booze induced moment of honesty said: "Chris..I gotta tell you man, your the guy all the guys wanna be..I wanna be you and all the chicks wanna be with...." Coming from him I was blown. I always thought I was on the outside but it was me imagining it partly and them being hesitant to approach. I thought I was outside the surf circle and they thought I had my own exclusive one??? Nope...just an insecure loner (always with a chick though) I used to pick up girls on the beach and I saw a pattern where the most beautiful girls were not approached>>>WTF? It was because everyne thought what I thought "they must be so popular...I don't stand a chance"....get a buncha guys thinking that and suddenly the girl has just become unapproachable. I realized this pattern over and over again on Waikiki beach. I used it to my advantage and it turned out a lot of them were just waiting to be talked to by a normal (if not overly sexed) guy. You look nice have goals and manage a family and a popular site. Your envied but women more than men don't boost each others ego's too much lest they make "friend" feel they are "better" than them. It's a game that goes back to childhood. I'd bet anything that it's you who are the one being envied. Approaching you opens the possibility of them being rejected AND having shown an interest in you. People have no qualms about communicating with those they deem below them but not so much when they feel the other person might be better than them....even if it is just their complex. Remember...we all got those. The sheer volume of women that pass through Waikiki gave me some unique perspectives. Your the circle. You don't even realize how great you are......maybe that's a good thing?...but don't ever get it twisted and think they exclude you....they fear you excluding them. http://badboyinjapan.blogspot.com/2011/01/lets-talk-about-sex-waikiki-and-me-part.htmlReply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Fri Feb 10, 2012 at 11:19 pm
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Report Fri Feb 10, 2012 - 2:51 amThis is EXACTLY what I've been struggling with. Only, unlike you, I'm not yet to the point where I don't give a damn. Sigh.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Fri Feb 10, 2012 at 11:17 pm
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Report Fri Feb 10, 2012 - 4:07 amI never fit in growing up and I certainly don't fit in with people now. Sometimes I care, sometimes I don't give a crap that people don't give a crap about me.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Fri Feb 10, 2012 at 11:15 pm
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Report Fri Feb 10, 2012 - 4:58 amI don't want to join a club that would have the likes of me as a member. And it's o.k. about the sandwich. I don't eat them anymore. I would have tons of questions to ask if I met you. People rarely ask me anything or pay me some little compliment, like You look nice. Women slobber over my jewelry a bit, and that's it. I'm tired of complimenting people who never have anything nice to say. Love, JanieReply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Fri Feb 10, 2012 at 11:15 pm
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Report Fri Feb 10, 2012 - 7:00 amOMG! That's exactly how I feel especially when I go to places with playgrounds. I would always start conversation that would go anywhere. Fortunely, I, too, have said I don't give a damn. And I'm teaching my daughters that they don't to please all the kids on the playground and be friends. They can play fine by themselves or together.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Fri Feb 10, 2012 at 11:14 pm
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Report Fri Feb 10, 2012 - 9:43 amGood for you! I always thought I was left out of the cool group at my gym, because I'm not Japanese (I live in Japan, so I'm in a small minority of foreigners in my town), which bothered me, because I'm NICE, dammit, and I can speak Japanese. But now I know it happens to fabulous people like you, I'm less bothered. Thanks.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Fri Feb 10, 2012 at 11:13 pm
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Report Fri Feb 10, 2012 - 2:44 pmI love your boots, where did you get them?Reply
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2 replies, Last reply by Sandra on Fri Feb 10, 2012 at 11:11 pm
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Report Thu Feb 9, 2012 - 6:57 pmI screen potential new friends by saying something positively filthy the first time I meet them. It's really a time saver.Reply
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6 replies, Last reply by Sandra on Fri Feb 10, 2012 at 11:10 pm
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Report Thu Feb 9, 2012 - 1:48 pmSandra: I have never fit in. That's the first thing I say on my About Page. That's what makes us so special: the heart we have for those that feel left on the outside. It doesn't feel nice, and so we try to make it better with our words. Don't let the assholes get you down. YOU GO AFTER what you want and who gives a f*ck about the rest. WE love you.Reply
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3 replies, Last reply by Sandra on Fri Feb 10, 2012 at 11:09 pm
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Thu Feb 9, 2012 - 12:12 pm
Hi, my name's Iris! God, I love your purse. Where did you get it? My purse smells like pee...funny story, actually. Maybe we could get a beer after work sometime and I'll tell you. Hey, I have a really good sandwich in my lunch today, want to split it with me?Reply -
2 replies, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Fri Feb 10, 2012 at 12:59 pm
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Thu Feb 9, 2012 - 12:37 pm
As soon as I quit trying to fit in, I started having friends. They're a lot like me, creative, weird, they dress funny and eat meatballs for lunch. And no, we're not The Popular Women. Here in Small Town Deep South the only real social outlet is church, so we meet for a prayer group.Reply -
3 replies, Last reply by Andie on Thu Feb 9, 2012 at 7:22 pm
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Report Thu Feb 9, 2012 - 12:27 pmI learned a long time ago that I will never be a "twin set mom" not that being a "twin set" mom is wrong. Not at all. I wish I could find a sweater and matching t-shirt that worked for me....but I have resigned myself to the fact that it isn't going to happen. I fit in at my kids school for a very long time because I was the one willing to co-chair two auctions and several fairs..I spent more time at school than my kid did but I fit in until I stopped volunteering and then I went back to persona non gratta. Wait. Sorry this was about you...your a great listener! How are you?Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Thu Feb 9, 2012 at 6:29 pm
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Report Thu Feb 9, 2012 - 2:03 pmThis is the first time I have read your blog, and the first time I have even heard of you, but I like you already!!!!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Thu Feb 9, 2012 at 6:27 pm
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Report Thu Feb 9, 2012 - 2:34 pmHa - easier said than done I suspect. I'm rubbish at fitting in - I always feel a little like I'm on the edges trying to be seen. I wish I had your confidence, but until that lightbulb goes 'ping' for me, I guess I'll keep on asking about that sandwhich - actually is that granary bread?Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Thu Feb 9, 2012 at 6:27 pm
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Report Thu Feb 9, 2012 - 5:26 pmI've never been good at groups. However my husband is a freemason and I find I am drawn into the wives or "good ladies" as they call them support groups by default. But I AM fine with one on one talking and this is pretty much what i do. The odd thing is, everyone seems to know who I am while I frantically scroll through my memory banks trying to fit names to the faces, especially when they are all together and I waltz in late as usual. So I just shut up until they address each other by name and then mentally peg them. Later when the men join us I have to try and remember who goes with who - more brain gymnastics. Groups are hard work!Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Thu Feb 9, 2012 at 6:26 pm
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Thu Feb 9, 2012 - 5:59 pm
this is me. but i've come to the conclusion that i'm just somebody who feels alone with her own thoughts a lot of the time, and that's probably just because i have an awful lot of them! I'm never the one in a huddle in the playground, or bursting out of a table at starbucks i've got so many girlfriends with me. But i think i'll always feel like that M2MReply -
1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Thu Feb 9, 2012 at 6:25 pm
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