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I can't poo...
by "I can't poo," I said to my coach.
"What?...Huh?" He looked behind him, like he wasn't certain I was even addressing him. He probably thought he heard me wrong. But nope. He heard me right.
After uttering the words, "I can't poo," I wondered if this was something I shouldn't be sharing with him.
But again, nope. Pretty sure as my trainer, he needs to be aware of this kind of stuff. Although after the fact, I realized I should have said something more grown up like, "My bowels aren't moving."
This is what happens when you have kids. All propriety goes out the window. There was a time when I never would have shared such information. But now, sixteen years into childrearing, I've not only heard it all, but it's all been said in public by either myself and/or the kids:
"I just farted."
"I peed my pants."
"Why was Daddy wrestling on the bed with you?"
Try as I might, I can't seem to be a private person anymore.
The other day my daughter sliced her forehead with the blade from a skate. As she was taking it off, she pulled so hard that the skate went flying up into her face, and left a bloody slit that needed gluing (no, really, the doc glued the wound shut!).
As I was explaining the incident to another mother, I said, "My girl is so flexible. She had her foot practically up to her nose, that's why the skate was so close to her face. Wish I had that kind of flexibility: I'd chew my toenails off instead of cutting them."
What? ...It's not like I'd really chew them off. My point is that if I didn't have a nail clipper, I could.
My verbal filter was pushed out along with the placenta after childbirth. And I'm okay with this. My priority is to remember to pack my children their lunches and to help them with their homework, and all the other myriad of priorities that go along with raising kids.
If admitting out loud that I can't poo is the worst of my offences, then I'm not doing too badly.
Anyway, if I hadn't distracted my coach with my comment, he would have noticed the spaghetti stains on my shirt. Because along with the loss of my verbal filter, I accepted long ago that clean clothing and shaved armpits are also parts of the past.
Comments (26)
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Report Fri Feb 17, 2012 - 4:43 amSigh. I found myself randoming telling the pharmasist to never have kids while she was filling my perscription for bladder control medication. I hear ya. And I think my new favorite line is "my verbal filter was pushed out with the placenta'/ I used to tell my trainer that's what happened to my 'core' he kept telling me to strengthen, but this is much more fun.Reply -
2 replies, Last reply by Laurie on Tue Feb 21, 2012 at 10:47 pm
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Report Sun Feb 19, 2012 - 9:08 pmA quart of prune juice--the whole quart--will fix you up. xoxo, your BBFF (Dr. Bean)Reply
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Report Fri Feb 17, 2012 - 12:11 pmHa! I'm so glad I'm not the only one!Reply
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2 replies, Last reply by Terry on Sun Feb 19, 2012 at 1:36 am
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Report Sat Feb 18, 2012 - 12:00 amI hope your girly feels better! I used to figure skate, and I did the same thing one time. Only it was the bridge of my nose, right between the eyes, that got cut. I've given up on the verbal filter, too. Actually, I should probably work on it, at least at work. My (male) graduate advisor walked past me today as I was complaining to another (female) grad student that my boobs have been leaking colostrum for weeks. He did a double take, which I pretended not to notice, then shook his head and shut himself in his office. Haha.Reply
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Report Fri Feb 17, 2012 - 7:06 amIt's been a long time since you talked about your inability to poo. I've been wondering about it. Don't you love it that your fecal material is on my mind? I know you've been very gassy. It seems to me that when I'm super gassy, I think I need to poop, but I can't. Gas just comes out. But when I think nothing but gas will come out, that's when I poop my pants. Believe me, when you're my age (52), because you had children, you'll still be telling people you need to make a wee-wee or you'll ask where the ladies' room is because you need to poo poo. Love, JanieReply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Fri Feb 17, 2012 at 6:44 pm
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Report Fri Feb 17, 2012 - 3:10 pmHere is a truth for you: I *have* chewed on my own toenails and, three kids later, I still can :).Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Fri Feb 17, 2012 at 6:42 pm
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Report Fri Feb 17, 2012 - 3:48 pmMiralax. It's gentle enough to use every day of the rest of your life. Don't ask me why I know that.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Fri Feb 17, 2012 at 6:42 pm
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Report Fri Feb 17, 2012 - 4:00 pmYes, once a million doctors have seen your whoo-hoo while being pregnant and giving birth, it is hard to be embarrassed about anything.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Fri Feb 17, 2012 at 6:41 pm
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Report Fri Feb 17, 2012 - 1:53 pmI can't either. Having kids ruins your body (internally as well as externally).Reply
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Report Thu Feb 16, 2012 - 3:15 pmAs a stepmom of 13 years, I assure you... Giving birth isn't necessarily part of the equation...it's parenting in itself. My faux paux was when I paused during reps of something strenuous and when my trainer coached me to push through, I informed her and anyone in earshot, that if I pushed through that one right then I was gonna clear the gym with the amount of had that felt bloated up in me. We changed my workout for the day. Quickly.Reply
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3 replies, Last reply by RWms70 on Fri Feb 17, 2012 at 1:33 am
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Report Thu Feb 16, 2012 - 7:10 amBut what did he say? I need to know. I have the same problem and want you to share his expert advice! Don't hold out on me! O, man..."verbal filter pushed out along with the placenta..." I think mine was squeezed out when I passed through the birth canal mySELF! LOL I just tried something new...not sure if it works yet but I'll let you know. Castor oil hot compresses on my abdomen and a tbsp of high polyphenol olive oil twice a day. Here's hoping for some movement ;-)Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Fri Feb 17, 2012 at 1:17 am
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Report Thu Feb 16, 2012 - 8:57 amHorrible condition, constipation. You can feel it poisoning your system . The answer is Movicol - four sachets in water then two every hour until the shit hits the fan. Do not move far from a loo. It's the stuff they use before a colonoscopy. Oh and when it does explode it's similar to childbirth. Just sayin'!Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Fri Feb 17, 2012 at 1:16 am
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Thu Feb 16, 2012 - 8:07 am
i think the verbal filter thing is age more than motherhood tbh. i think you just give less and less of a damn as you get older. My mum used to always say "we're all just bodies, everyone poos". As a teenager i would cringe and think she was mad. But as you get older you do start to think like that. perhaps helped along a bit by watching your kids bodily functions close up. Great post! M2MReply
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