Feb 02
 |
When tragedy strikes
by Sixteen years ago I was seven months pregnant with my first baby. The nursery was set up. I was folding itty-bitty socks and teeny-tiny t-shirts to put away in the new drawers I had just purchased for my unborn son.
Life was perfect. It couldn't get any better.
Then the phone rang at 2am. As I sleepily reached for it, I wondered who it could be.
"It must be a wrong number," I mumbled to my husband.
My brother was on the line telling me that our father had died of a massive heart attack. "One second he was watching the hockey game with me, the next he was falling to the floor."
It happened within one second. One second I was blissfully content. The next I was grieving.
One second my dad was alive. Then he wasn't.
I was 27. I had never experienced anything remotely traumatic. My grandparents were alive. None of my relatives had suffered from cancer. I didn't even know anyone who had broken a bone or gotten stitches.
It's odd to have something unexpected happen. Because after that, you keep expecting the unexpected.
When my husband takes too long at the grocery store, I'm certain he's gotten into a car crash. I don't like it when my kids go sledding or snowboarding because I'm sure they'll die. My mother and her husband are on a trip right now. I feel like I'll never see them again.
I don't mope around, thinking all is doom and gloom. Quite the contrary. My feelings are constant, rarely wavering into sadness or happiness. I'm like a straight line that never swerves, fearing strong emotions: bad or good.
I cannot continue to live this way; distancing myself from the people I love so I won't have to grieve should they die. So I won't have to miss them if they don't come back.
I've been doing this for so long, however, I don't even know how to stop the cycle.
I want to experience extreme positive emotions. I want to squeal with delight at an accomplishment I've been working towards. I want to shout with glee when my son scores a goal. I want my heart to burst with happiness. Not heartbreak.
But what if I allow myself to bask in another moment of happiness, and the phone rings?
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Comments (41)
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Report Sun Feb 5, 2012 - 2:13 amI lost my Dad suddenly when I was 20 y/o. I got the call at work, it was my 16 y/o brother who had found him (my parents were divorced). My dad had been dead for over 12hrs, there was nothing to do. As his next of kin, I became legally responsible for his estate and co-guardian of my little brother. All of my dad's family was in Europe, I'm the one who had to make that call. Then a 1 1/2 yr ago my aunt had breast cancer, she didnt tell anyone until the day of her mastectomy. Again, I was the one to spread the news. So when, last year, I called people to tell that I was pregnant (OMG moment b/c I wasnt suppose to be able to get pregnant), before I had the chance to tell them, ppl assumed the worst. So, I get it. I really do. But you know what? Things do get better (if you want them to). You dont necessarily stop hurting, it's more like you learn to live with it. It's the same for the fear. It's ok to feel that sadness and fear but it's also ok to be happy, extremely happy. Or what's the point? Your father doesnt want you to be numb to life, he would want you to live it as best as you can. He would want you to enjoy your children as he got to enjoy being with you. Yes that phone might ring again but, if you let yourself in enjoy life once more, you'll have good times and memories to remember and get you through the bad moment. And the'll also give you something to forward to. Whether or not you bask in that moment of happiness, it wont prevent that phone from ringing, it wont change anything. The only thing it does affect is you, so bask as much as you can. Not only for you but for children, your family and in memory of everything good that was your father. Sorry if I sound like such an after school special, your post struck a really deep cord with me. Thanks for sharing.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Sun Feb 5, 2012 at 4:49 pm
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Report Fri Feb 3, 2012 - 8:37 amOn Jan. 18th of this year, a childhood friend's son was killed in Afghanistan - he was 25. On Jan. 20th, my niece's brother-in-law died in his sleep. He would've been 21 this month. They say "things happen in 3's" and I have a 21 y.o. nephew in college, 2000 miles away. I'm going to be scared til he comes home this summer.Reply
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2 replies, Last reply by So. Cal. Gal on Sat Feb 4, 2012 at 12:11 am
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Report Thu Feb 2, 2012 - 7:33 pmI am with you 1000000%. I have actually lost everyone in my family. 9 years ago my mom passed and 4 years ago, my father. Both calls I received around midnight both times. Both times, I never had a chance to prepare or say good-bye. I actually refuse to answer the phone some days because I don't want to hear any more bad news. One day we will all heal, but I guess that comes with allowing ourselves to grieve, which I haven't yet. When you grieve, you accept it, and I ain't accepting it yet. You aren't alone in your fear of being happy, yet waiting for the other shoe to fall. We need each other to remind ourselves that it *is* okay to be happy and proud of ourselves, and that a little healthy fear is what keeps up from walking in front of a bus without looking first. I got your back, sister. IiiIReply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Fri Feb 3, 2012 at 8:07 pm
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Report Thu Feb 2, 2012 - 7:39 pmI am like you. My BFF is too. I called her yesterday and she answered the phone by saying 'yessss'. I rarely call her from work and she KNEW something was wrong. It wasn't. We need to not be this way. My daughter says we are scared. She from getting a phone call 21 years ago that her 12 year old daughter was in a school bus accident. Her daughter died. Me from getting a call a year later that my children were in an auto accident. They were okay. It does scar you. And it sucks. But you gotta go on, you gotta live. Tragic phone calls don't happen that often. Just enough to 'scar' you.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Fri Feb 3, 2012 at 8:07 pm
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Thu Feb 2, 2012 - 2:08 pm
I do that, you aren't alone or even strange in it. When my kids were in their late teens, if I didn't hear from them in a day or two (they'd moved out) I would be convinced they were dead on a back road. If my husband doesn't call during the day, he's probably been killed in an industrial accident and his boss is too chicken to call. I know. It's hard to take the risk to feel good for fear of not being prepared for something bad.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Fri Feb 3, 2012 at 8:06 pm
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Report Thu Feb 2, 2012 - 7:50 pmI have learned that I can't let things stress me out so much. Things are going to happen regardless of what we do, unfortunately. Worrying about it is only going to hurt YOUR health, hon.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Fri Feb 3, 2012 at 8:03 pm
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Report Thu Feb 2, 2012 - 9:35 pmI've never lost anyone, but every single time my husband is a minute late I worry that he's been in a car crash. Any time he doesn't respond to a text message right away I think something's happened. Sorry for your loss.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Fri Feb 3, 2012 at 8:02 pm
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Report Thu Feb 2, 2012 - 7:52 pmOh, I understand this so, so much. I was the same way...never had anything really traumatic happen to me until my husband, father of my children, best friend, soul mate was gone just like that. One minute he was alive, happy and smiling and the next minute just...gone. As hard as I try to stop my worrying and fear that something else bad is going to happen when I least expect it again, I just haven't yet figured out how to.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Fri Feb 3, 2012 at 8:02 pm
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Report Thu Feb 2, 2012 - 7:53 pmI know exactly what you mean. Once that first shocker happens, you're waiting for the other shoe to fall. It took the edge off of my joy for a long time, but I'm slowly letting it creep back in. I hope you are able to, as well.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Fri Feb 3, 2012 at 8:01 pm
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Report Thu Feb 2, 2012 - 11:30 pmI can SO relate to this. Although my dad didn't die, he had a heart attack last Oct 2010. The type he had is supposedly called the Widow's Maker, because few rarely survive it. He did survive, but spent 4 days in ICU recovering. I remember getting the call while I was at work and praying the entire way home repeatedly to not let him die. I'm now scared to answer the phone sometimes. He doesn't take care of himself and has made no changes. He also smokes and has my whole life. He's always said "well I might die soon". He means it half jokingly, but I've distanced myself from him my whole life because of it. I've realized though that I can't hold those things against him or distance myself just because I'm afraid to be hurt. I think you just need to make the choice to live life to the fullest and get the most out of people that you can while they're still around. Get to know them and enjoy them while they're still here. Your life will be all the more enriched for it.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Fri Feb 3, 2012 at 8:01 pm
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Report Fri Feb 3, 2012 - 12:32 amAw, girl, you know eventually that phone is going to ring whether or not you bask. My dad died of a massive heart attack 18 years ago, very suddenly, when I was pregnant with my middle son. I was only 20, but it was the first major loss I'd suffered. Nothing can prepare you for such a blow, for sure.Reply
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3 replies, Last reply by Sandra on Fri Feb 3, 2012 at 8:00 pm
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Report Fri Feb 3, 2012 - 3:20 amWell, if the phone rings, you'll not have the regret of not ever showing, or having those strong emotions!! Life is good and bad... we must bask, and I mean BASK in the goodness while we have it!! You can do this... you're strong, right?!?!?Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Fri Feb 3, 2012 at 7:59 pm
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Report Fri Feb 3, 2012 - 5:14 amYou absolutely facinate me. (not a come on). I image you differently. You need to bungee jump...hold the hand of a terminally ill child and things that make your heart stick in your throat or fall out. Life is so very very precious. If you waste time worrying about the end of it you will have blinked and missed it. Take it from someone with issues......you are so very close to handling...getting a handle on your own. You might not feel that way but it looks clear to me. .Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Fri Feb 3, 2012 at 7:58 pm
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Report Fri Feb 3, 2012 - 11:10 amThere are a number of stories in the press at the moment which are all highlighting the importance of life and how quickly it can be taken and how we should enjoy every second. I wonder if the stresses of todays world are making us all take a step back and remember what is truly importantReply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Fri Feb 3, 2012 at 7:56 pm
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Report Fri Feb 3, 2012 - 12:44 amOh Sandra. You wrote that so well. I can feel every moment of this.Reply
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3 replies, Last reply by Sandra on Fri Feb 3, 2012 at 7:56 pm
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Report Fri Feb 3, 2012 - 1:32 pmBeautiful post Sandra. I'm so sorry you lost your Dad. I lost my Dad when I was 25. It was not sudden however. I was defifnetly a Daddy's girl. Since then I have lost a few friends and relatives and cancer has reared its ugly nasty evil face too. I have all the same fears and I have come to realize that I was making myself a nervous wreck by holding on too tightly...so I listened to all my friends that said I needed to let go and relax...I listened to their advice and then went right back to holding on tight.....what the heck do they know! Blessings, JoanneReply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Fri Feb 3, 2012 at 7:55 pm
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Report Fri Feb 3, 2012 - 3:03 amThis subject is difficult for me to address because I used to have moments of great joy, but now I'm learning that if I am happy, I'm sure to get kicked in the head afterwards. I'm sorry I'm not encouraging. I need a couple hundred somebodies I love to encourage me. Love, JanieReply
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Thu Feb 2, 2012 - 4:59 pm
Then you will deal with it my love. I feared the car crash and then it happened to me. We are all capable of the most amazing strength. You wont' will it because you didn't see it. You'll just wish you weren't having more fun while you were oblivious. M2MxReply -
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Thu Feb 2, 2012 - 10:54 am
Sandra that's such a tough one. And maybe it isn't a cycle that you can break alone. The hard fact is that if you want to learn to FEEL life, you will end up feeling it all, you can't switch off the difficult stuff. Good luck, and hugs.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Janie Emaus on Thu Feb 2, 2012 at 2:53 pm
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