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Saying it with flowers (and blowjobs)
Dear Regular Guy,
Why don't men buy us flowers more often? Don't they know that they are the equivalent to a magic wand? We're putty in their hands, assuming they are not carnations.
Confused
Dear Confused,
If that is truly how easy it is to keep a woman ticking over happily, then I'm sure we all would. There would be no need for marriage guidance councillors or advice columns like this. There would be no books collecting dust on your shelves that talk of Mars or Venus and probably no Bridget Jones either (I can't be sure on this one, I switched off after the Bunny Costumed Fireman's Pole bit, so I'm not completely certain that her story is relevant here. By the way, is it just me that thinks Renee is miles sexier when at her Bridget weight than at her standard featherweight?).
These things would not be needed because even the most marital-dyslexic male would have opened a direct debit up with his local petrol station or changed his walk home to route via the graveyard, if women could be tamed that simply. It isn't that easy though is it?
There is no magic wand.
Women are a steaming volcano of twisted uncertainty and emotional hypocrisy; they can erupt at any time. Furnishing them with flowers may buy you some time, but in the end it is merely like trying to hold the lava flow back with a cushion.
The short term gains that are earned by turning up with one bunch of flowers bearing the sticker "2-for-1" on them, are quickly overshadowed a week later, when a second identical, but slightly deader, bunch is produced with a wink, a smile, and a nod towards the bedroom for a reprisal of the previous week's result.
Also, I think you gave a little clue in your question: "Assuming they're not Carnations" - what's wrong with carnations? I'll tell you what's wrong with them, they aren't expensive enough. We can't just buy you flowers - oh no - we have to buy expensive ones. If we turn up with a little bunch that smells even vaguely of petrol, you just sort of smile and put them in the crappy vase. Only an acre of the finest gold-plated roses, handpicked by Taiwanese eunuchs and delivered by David Beckham dressed only in a pair of Calvin Klein's and a bow-tie, would elicit an actual "putty in hands" reaction or call for the special crystal vase that mysteriously appeared, along with six new cushions, when you went shopping un-chaperoned last Summer.
And we still wouldn't get a blow job...
Which brings me nicely onto my last point. I have a question for you to answer...
Why don't women give us blow jobs more often? Don't they know that they are the equivalent to a magic wand? We're putty in their hands, assuming they are not too cold!
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Comments (24)
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Report Tue Jan 17, 2012 - 11:59 amprobably because our equivalent is not returned as often as men like to get blowjobsReply -
6 replies, Last reply by icd on Tue Feb 14, 2012 at 8:13 am
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Report Sat Jan 28, 2012 - 2:16 amBecause after 5 years of thrice weekly or more blow jobs being happily given I started to think I might like something in return more ofter than 4 times a year and crappy and dull at that, thank you very much! Thankful I had glorious and quite active sex life with my boyfriend for the 8 years before meeting listless, dull hubby.Reply
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2 replies, Last reply by The Regular Guy UK on Wed Feb 1, 2012 at 3:22 pm
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Tue Jan 17, 2012 - 3:37 pm
Tomorrow is my 33rd Anniversary and I can't ever remember getting flowers. Now blow jobs..that's another story.Reply -
5 replies, Last reply by The Regular Guy UK on Wed Feb 1, 2012 at 3:21 pm
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Report Thu Jan 19, 2012 - 4:28 pmMy partner gets plenty of blow jobs. It's not related to flowers. It's related to him having grown, emotionally, beyond the dizzying heights of that he had attained by age 14. It's related to him being as excited about my pleasure as i am about his. Maybe you should try that Regular Guy, maybe if you weren't so disgusted by her genitals she wouldn't be so bored by yours?Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Regular Guy UK on Fri Jan 20, 2012 at 8:35 am
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Wed Jan 18, 2012 - 10:53 am
I would prefer more oral sex to flowers too...it's quid pro quo as far as I am concerned.Reply -
3 replies, Last reply by Clare Macnaughton on Wed Jan 18, 2012 at 12:37 pm
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Tue Jan 17, 2012 - 8:21 pm
just brilliant. And quite true. You didn't mention the one problem with flowers - they are culturally synonymous with admitting an affair. So no wonder guys don't go there. And you're right, on the very odd occassion my partner has bought me some, they've never quite been swish enough. M2MReply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Regular Guy UK on Tue Jan 17, 2012 at 10:16 pm
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