Jan 10

An apology to my non-Catholic neighbors

Comments (38) by The Bearded Iris January 10, 2012 - 7:01 AM

One thing I didn't account for when I converted to Catholicism 14 years ago is how damn tacky so many Catholics are.

Yeah, I said it.

Oh come on. It's true.

Take the Advent Wreath for example. I have one and we use it, but I'm always so glad to put it away every year. It's frickin' purple and pink, for crying out loud. And it completely clashes with all the traditional red and white Christmas decorations in my home.

I get that the purple and pink have symbolic meaning, yada yada yada, but it always looks so out of place with the rest of my holiday stuff. That pink candle, by the way, is traditionally lit on Gaudete Sunday, the third Sunday of Advent. Gaudete is the Latin word for rejoice. It's also closely related to the word gaudy. Coincidence? I think not.

Speaking of gaudy, I've got two words for you: Vatican City. Holy rococo! Just a hunch, but I'm thinking that when Jesus comes back for round two, he's probably not going to upholster his fishing boat seat cushions in gold lamé and red velvet.

Need more proof that Catholics are tacky? Take one trip to a Catholic store. I went to one a few months ago to try to buy my daughter a keepsake for her First Holy Communion; it was wall-to-wall plastic glow-in-the-dark religious figurines and creepy Saint prayer cards. If you ever need a good understated religious gift, you're better off going to Hobby Lobby, take my word. Those Evangelicals have great taste in their Christian wall art, let me tell you.

It's funny, every year my Presbyterian mother calls me on January 1st to wish me a Happy New Year and brag about how all her Christmas decorations have been efficiently taken down and neatly stored away until next December.

And every year I remind her that I'm Catholic now and I don't take my Christmas decorations down until after January 6th, The Epiphany. That's the day when my peeps celebrate the visitation of the biblical Magi to the Baby Jesus. For Roman Catholics, it is the official end of the Christmas season. In other words, don't bother starting those New Year's diet plans just yet...we keep the party rockin' ‘till The Wise Guys show up with some kick-ass hostess gifts.

So I'd just like to apologize to my neat-nick Southern Baptist neighbors for the fact that my plastic, life-size, light-up Nativity scene - complete with rotating heavenly hosts - will be proudly displayed in my front yard for another few days.

Hey, when in Rome...

by The Bearded Iris January 10, 2012 - 7:01 AM


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Comments (38)

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  • Report Tue Jan 10, 2012 - 10:37 am
    by  Clare Macnaughton
    Just out of interest then are you shagging without contraception? BRAVE!!!!!
    Reply Delete
  • 5 replies, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Jan 11, 2012 at 4:29 pm
  • Report Tue Jan 10, 2012 - 6:18 pm
    by  The Bearded Iris
    @Clare Macnaughton: I have three children. That means my husband and I have had sex exactly three times. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Oh look, something shiny!
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Jan 11, 2012 - 12:00 pm
    by  rootietoot
    @The Bearded Iris: When #3 was 8 and learned about sex, he asked me "how many times did you Do It?" and I said "How many kids do we have?" and left it there.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Jan 11, 2012 - 4:29 pm
    by  The Bearded Iris
    @rootietoot: When my son (then 11 years old) learned about sex he looked at me with such disgust and said, "Ew! You and Daddy don't do THAT do you?" Bless his heart.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Jan 11, 2012 - 2:25 pm
    by  Clare Macnaughton
    @The Bearded Iris: I don't know the difference between Presbytarian or Catholic so I didn't understand the post. I put my decs up when and I want and take them down when I want generally influenced by time and opportunity. I did go to Church this year but then was totally outraged by the Garden of Eden and how women are the root of all evil because Eve was convinced to eat from the tree of life by a talking snake. Or even beguiled by a snake when we all know that Adam ate the apple and blamed Eve, and he said to her, 'just tell the big man the snake made you do it and if you don't I am going to duff you up.' I am assuming that both Presbs and Caths are all buying into the snake story. Re: the comsumation of your life - if you have three then the first must have been immaculately conceived non?
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Jan 11, 2012 - 4:28 pm
    by  The Bearded Iris
    @Clare Macnaughton: Oh that "let's blame Eve" thing really pisses me off too. It was a setup for sure.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Jan 10, 2012 - 1:40 pm
    by  Gigi (Ed.)
    I hate the ruddy decorations as soon as Boxing Day is over. However my husband maintains that our house will be visited by evil spirits (well, something like that) if I take even a sprig of tinsel/holly/shit down before 12th night. He's not even religious, it's just something his mother says. So there we live like a family of Miss Havishams surrounded by the once bright and cheerful now limp and dusty festive clutter. WTF!?!?
    Reply Delete
  • 7 replies, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Jan 11, 2012 at 4:26 pm
  • Report Tue Jan 10, 2012 - 2:19 pm
    by  rootietoot
    @Gigi (Ed.): If we waited until Christmas Eve to put everything up, instead of the day after Thanksgiving, I'd be happy to leave it up until the 6th.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Jan 10, 2012 - 5:25 pm
    by  Gigi (Ed.)
    @rootietoot: *gasp of horror* but isn't Thanksgiving in like, November....?
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Jan 11, 2012 - 11:58 am
    by  rootietoot
    @Gigi (Ed.): Yes. It's the 4th Thursday in November.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Jan 10, 2012 - 6:32 pm
    by  The Bearded Iris
    @rootietoot: WHAT?! You put your shit up the day after Thanksgiving? I can't even move off the couch until December 1st.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Jan 11, 2012 - 11:57 am
    by  rootietoot
    @The Bearded Iris: I don't do it on purpose. My husband and kids badger me into it. It's either put it all up or walk around the boxes and naked tree they pointedly put in the middle of the living room floor and stare at.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Jan 11, 2012 - 4:26 pm
    by  The Bearded Iris
    @rootietoot: Yowza! That's intense! I'd go with naked tree, but that's just lazy me.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Jan 10, 2012 - 6:31 pm
    by  The Bearded Iris
    @Gigi (Ed.): OMG, "like a family of Miss Havishams"... frickin' brilliant.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Jan 10, 2012 - 3:39 pm
    by  Jessica
    Shoot, we don't even exchange gifts until the Epiphany! And then we break out the King Cake, 'cause you know it's Carnevale!!!! I'll take all the Gaudete you got, pink, purple, green and gold. Laissez les bons temps rouler!
    Reply Delete
  • 3 replies, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Jan 11, 2012 at 4:25 pm
  • Report Tue Jan 10, 2012 - 6:30 pm
    by  The Bearded Iris
    @Jessica: Now THAT makes sense to me. Epiphany is when the 3 Magi arrive and present their gifts! And King Cake, YUM! My favorite part is the naked baby. I thought that was just a Mardi Gras thing. Does Mardi Gras run from Epiphany to the day before Ash Wednesday??? Hey, I love a good party as much as the next tacky girl, but hell to the no on the pink and purple. Oooh, suddenly craving a 32 oz. Hurricane.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Jan 10, 2012 - 7:26 pm
    by  Jessica
    @The Bearded Iris: It most surely does! When I lived overseas we partied like the dickens from the Epiphany til midnight on Fat Tuesday. Then it was all ashes and sacrifice til Easter. Can you believe one year I gave up alcohol? Obviously that was pre-motherhood. Bring on the Hurricanes!
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Jan 11, 2012 - 4:25 pm
    by  The Bearded Iris
    @Jessica: Oh my GOSH - it all makes more sense to me now. But DAY-YAM, that's a long Carnevale season. I'd be morbidly obese and dead if I followed that calendar. And I usually give up alcohol every Lent...my kids and husband HATE IT. A buzzed mommy is a much happier mommy.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Jan 10, 2012 - 5:30 pm
    by  Crista
    How tacky are Catholics? Let me tell you ... I took my five-year-old to the Family Advent Night at church, and in the raffle, she won the tackiest ornament on earth: Santa kneeling at Baby's Jesus' manger. Needless to say, it hung in a place of honor on my tree.
    Reply Delete
  • 5 replies, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Jan 11, 2012 at 4:23 pm
  • Report Tue Jan 10, 2012 - 6:34 pm
    by  The Bearded Iris
    @Crista: GUILTY! I totally have that same ornament and I LURVE IT! It's so sweet! Don't you see? Santa is taking a knee...he's saying, "Ho Ho Ho! Let's keep Christ in Christmas!" It's so symbolic. Now, if I can just find an inflatable life sized version of that shit for my front yard.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Jan 10, 2012 - 7:09 pm
    by  Crista
    @The Bearded Iris: Dude, I promise you that I saw an inflatable version in someone's yard about 10 years ago, right next to an inflatable manger scene. I nearly ran off the road, it blinded me so.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Jan 10, 2012 - 7:18 pm
    by  The Bearded Iris
    @Crista: Hilarious! I don't get the whole inflatable thing! Honestly, my favorite seasonal yard art is all the light-up reindeer in my neighborhood. It's really fun to reposition them in amorous ways late at night (usually after a few too many.) Shhhh! Don't rat me out, k?
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Jan 11, 2012 - 2:11 pm
    by  Crista
    @The Bearded Iris: So THAT'S who's been rearraging the our neighbor's reindeer.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Jan 11, 2012 - 4:23 pm
    by  The Bearded Iris
    @Crista: If not me, one of my aunts, for sure! It's a family thing.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Jan 11, 2012 - 6:02 am
    by  Amanda Andrus
    I am so glad that you gave me insight into the reason why some people still have their decorations up. We took half of ours down Christmas night and the rest the next day. The reason is because the 26th is one of my son's birthday and I wanted one year were there wasn't Christmas decorations in the background of his birthday pictures.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Jan 11, 2012 at 11:51 am
  • Report Wed Jan 11, 2012 - 11:51 am
    by  The Bearded Iris
    @Amanda Andrus: Well that was my excuse, at least until the 6th, anyway. But here it is...the 11th and I still haven't taken mine down, so I get bonus points in the tacky department! Thanks for reading and commenting, Amanda!
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Jan 10, 2012 - 3:00 pm
    by  Pricilla
    Ah-hem. I noted no goat in your photo. I am ashamed of you. The publicist being a very, very lapsed Catholic said the tradition in her family was to pull those decorations down on New Year's Day while watching the Mummer's Parade. Google it....it cannot be explained in words. It's a Philadelphia thing. Her father was a mummer.
    Reply Delete
  • 3 replies, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Jan 10, 2012 at 8:02 pm
  • Report Tue Jan 10, 2012 - 6:27 pm
    by  The Bearded Iris
    @Pricilla: Holy crap, and I thought I was tacky. ;)
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Jan 10, 2012 - 7:27 pm
    by  Pricilla
    @The Bearded Iris: It's somethin' ain't it. Impossible to describe. So many sequins and feathers. They didn't let women in until the 90ies I think....oh, and they stop at every bar along the way. Except for the string bands. Adds to the straight line marching....
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Jan 10, 2012 - 8:02 pm
    by  The Bearded Iris
    @Pricilla: I think it is no coincidence that Mummer rhymes with Hummer.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Jan 10, 2012 - 3:28 pm
    by  Janie Emaus
    My neighbor's still have their house all lit up and it's Jan 10th, for God's sake.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Jan 10, 2012 at 6:27 pm
  • Report Tue Jan 10, 2012 - 6:27 pm
    by  The Bearded Iris
    @Janie Emaus: Hi Neighbor! Sorry about that.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Jan 10, 2012 - 2:24 pm
    by  Allison @ Motherhood, WTF?
    This is hilarious. It's not often that a post about religious differences is so damn funny. I love me a plastic, light-up, life-size nativity scene, and with moving parts? Awesome. As long as it's not on my yard.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Jan 10, 2012 at 6:25 pm
  • Report Tue Jan 10, 2012 - 6:25 pm
    by  The Bearded Iris
    @Allison @ Motherhood, WTF?: Ha! I hear you, sister. There is something so wrong about non-recyclable plastic, electricity hogging religious figurines...especially life sized ones. Totally not what Jesus would do.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Jan 10, 2012 - 2:01 pm
    by  Kristen
    Come on people! You can't leave the 3 wisemen out of the party. I mean really...bearing gifts they have travelled so far! Love this post and I'm so with you on those purple and pink Advent candles. I was tempted to put it in my 9 yr old daughter's room...at least it matches in there!
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Jan 10, 2012 at 6:21 pm
  • Report Tue Jan 10, 2012 - 6:21 pm
    by  The Bearded Iris
    @Kristen: Oooh, that's a great idea! Mini-Me would LOVE to be in charge of the Advent wreath next year. Speaking of tacky, those Wisemen were dressed like the Mrs. Ropers of their day.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Jan 10, 2012 - 12:35 pm
    by  rootietoot
    Christmas is meant to be tacky. And Catholics were there WAY before Presbyterians! However, as a Presbyterian, I am like your mother, and have it all neatly packed away by the 1st. My preacher's wife has it all packed up on the 26th. I wonder if Jackie Kennedy left the White House decorated until the 6th.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Jan 10, 2012 at 6:20 pm
  • Report Tue Jan 10, 2012 - 6:20 pm
    by  The Bearded Iris
    @rootietoot: HA! Good question! Doubtful...that lady oozed class and style. There is no way on earth she would be as tacky as me.
    Reply Delete

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