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A case for the red vagina
I live in the Southern United States of America, also known as The Bible Belt.
There are certain things I can count on here: mosquitoes, iced tea sweet enough to make my teeth throb, and a perpetual debate about Creationism versus Evolution.
Being an educated woman with a natural fondness for math, science, and common sense in general, I have always stood firmly entrenched on the side of Darwinism. In fact, I'm not a bumper-sticker kind of gal, but if I were, I suspect I'd have one that says something like "We've got the fossils. We win."
But there are times when I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, "What on Earth could be the evolutionary purpose of that?"
No. I'm not referring to those two swaying tube socks formerly known as breasts.
I'm thinking about my signature chin hair.
As a forty-one year old woman, I often wonder why it is that my chin hair would suddenly begin to flourish at the same time as a decrease in my ability to see things up close. That common age-related vision impairment is called Presbyopia, by the way. And no, it doesn't mean a heightened ability to spot Presbyterians.
How am I supposed to pluck my implacable chin hair if I can't even see it anymore? And why must this phenomenon also coincide with a time in my life when I'm surrounded by curious young children who stare and poke at my whiskers and make comments to strange men in public like "My Mommy has a beard, too."
Is there an evolutionary reason why I should suddenly have this beard? Or is it just a cruel twist of fate, like when your children finally become old enough to let you sleep through the night again, if only your bladder and weakened pelvic floor would cooperate.
No, there must be a reason. Darwin tells us so... survival of the fittest, and such.
It must be linked somehow to propagating the species. Perhaps female facial hair is a sign for men indicating "Warning: Unsafe Conditions. Detour Ahead!" Because really, nowadays? Between the push-up bras and the Botox and the hair color and the personal trainers, how else might men know our middle-aged eggs are shriveling up by the second?
Unlike our primate sisters, whose naked red genitalia visibly swell at peak fertility, we highly evolved and clothed humans only have our faces as indicators of our fecundity. Hairless female faces are, in theory, much easier to read. Like a glowing red Krispy Kreme Hot Doughnuts Now sign, a young, hairless female face is a beacon of hope for a man with a plan.
Could female facial hair be nature's way of telling our males "Move along. Nothing to see here"?
Because if so, I think I'd rather have the red vagina please.
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Comments (58)
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Report Tue Nov 22, 2011 - 12:09 pmI have a chin hair, just one, but it is coarse and black and according to my 22 year old son who has no social skills, "looks like a pube". Like you, I have presbyopia (in this case,I *am* presbyterian, but I suppose that's not related) so, out of sight out of mind. Between it and the white one the grows out of the mole on my chin, I've quit worrying about fecundity and started watching Supernatural. For the car, of course.Reply -
2 replies, Last reply by RedBella on Thu Mar 1, 2012 at 8:43 pm
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Report Fri Nov 25, 2011 - 3:00 amSo my hubby tries to pick what he thinks is a stray hair off my check, I shout 'what the hell'... We realize simultaneously that it is attached. Mortifying, truly.Reply
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2 replies, Last reply by Keri English on Wed Nov 30, 2011 at 8:37 pm
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Report Mon Nov 28, 2011 - 6:46 pmI know two women who have mustaches. Really, these two women are real! I think I admire them more than almost anybody I can think of. They're tidy mustaches, well groomed and full, and ALWAYS there. One is a pastor's wife, and there goes the excuse for de-selfing because you 'live in a goldfish bowl' and are obligated to assume whatever 'their' expectations are for a pastor's wife. The other is a saleslady at Staples, and I always choose her checkout line because she's so utterly real and comfortable and never calls me 'Hon'. I dreamed one time that I had a penis. Fascinating dream. To heft my junk, and feel it swing as I walked, and to marvel that it was right out there in front... it was the only time Penis Envy ever made sense to me.Reply
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Report Thu Nov 24, 2011 - 10:37 pmOh Iris! Another piece of classic 'bearded' wisdom if ever I heard it. Gone are the days when marriage was our only security for our pri-mate to hang around during this time of our lives. And they blame men's mid life crises on their wandering eye! Ha! Pass me the Emjoi, quick! xxReply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Fri Nov 25, 2011 at 3:11 pm
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Report Thu Nov 24, 2011 - 7:09 pmThanks for making me chuckle....well laugh out loud actually! :)Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Fri Nov 25, 2011 at 3:10 pm
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Report Thu Nov 24, 2011 - 5:43 amAfter that depressing post, I'm taking my Valium and going to bed.....PS Nothing like the car mirror in the daylight to see those little hairs. Take your tweezers with your while you wait for the kids at soccer practice. Make good use of your time.....Happy Thanksgiving! DH has been cooking all day....Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Fri Nov 25, 2011 at 3:09 pm
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Tue Nov 22, 2011 - 5:26 pm
This was pure brilliance! I don't have a witty comment for you. You just need to know how fabulously hilarious you are!Reply -
2 replies, Last reply by Sandra on Thu Nov 24, 2011 at 2:06 pm
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Report Wed Nov 23, 2011 - 4:14 pmOh. My. Lord. I adore you bearded one. I think you struck it rich in the aha! department. I expect to see this brilliance in Time Magazine soon. Can you also explain the cause of dingleberries when prego? Please?Reply
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2 replies, Last reply by Heather Novak on Wed Nov 23, 2011 at 8:23 pm
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Report Wed Nov 23, 2011 - 7:16 pmoh the joys of becoming more mature. *sigh* on the one hand i get more respect from younger people but then i get all these nice party favors. :( and my beard hair? clear! its great in that it isnt quite as noticeable as a darker hair but it shines... with the intensity that would shame the sun. lol and oh since it is clear it is even MORE fun trying to find and pluck. hey bartender! double shots of youth serum all around!Reply
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Tue Nov 22, 2011 - 4:28 pm
How about hair growing out of a mole? "Grandma's just like the dog!" one of my grandkids so proudly pointed out.Reply -
8 replies, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Nov 23, 2011 at 4:39 pm
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Tue Nov 22, 2011 - 10:32 pm
I thought about this a lot. Not necessarily about the chin hair but about the gradual diminishment of attractiveness. It's so blatantly because we no longer need to attract a mate and procreate. We are past our sexual prime. Now we jjust need to clean and nurture. how bloody depressing. M2MReply -
5 replies, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Nov 23, 2011 at 4:37 pm
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Report Tue Nov 22, 2011 - 11:00 amYou might be onto something here. Then again...why are MY chin hairs white? They slither out of my chin follicles like Albino thieves in the night, hiding from my blurry eyes, until I am in some public place scratching my chin and find a 3" long Fur Cobra hiding in the softer tufts below by bottom lip. Then I go exploring and find a half dozen of his silvery friends. I feel them before see them. Do men have better vision as they age? Do they get far-sightedness, able to see our clever chin hair warning signals from across the room, when we are unable to see them as we apply spackle to our faces in 50x mirrors each morning? I'm so confused. But I still don't want a fat red vagina. I'd have to buy all new underwear, and I only JUST found a kind that can sling my sagging ass properly.Reply
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4 replies, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Nov 23, 2011 at 4:35 pm
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Tue Nov 22, 2011 - 11:03 am
I am in chin hair denial so I am glad that you wrote this. I haven't been ready to go public about but I am with you WTF and why did nobody mention this in Cosmo EVER!!!! Where did it come from and why? Although my hobby is now plucking the little fuckers out which is very satisfying.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Nov 23, 2011 at 5:18 am
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Report Tue Nov 22, 2011 - 11:24 amThrobbing red vagina...isn't that what happens after a vaginal birth? Or a bad case of cystitis? Not that I'd know, I'm a caesar gal myself with a minimal history of yeast infections. But I do have chin hair and failing eyesight. Maybe the combo is nature's way of saying let those chin hairs roam free.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Nov 23, 2011 at 5:16 am
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Report Tue Nov 22, 2011 - 1:01 pmThe evolutionary purpose of female facial hair was to create the laser hair removal industry, thereby creating jobs and building wealth. Since you can't shave your chin or 'stache without it growing back thicker and stronger, this is the only explanation.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Nov 23, 2011 at 5:11 am
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Report Tue Nov 22, 2011 - 2:02 pmCoincidentally I was stroking my chin hair as I began reading this. Now, where are my tweezers?Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Nov 23, 2011 at 5:10 am
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Report Tue Nov 22, 2011 - 2:57 pmOnly you could write about Darwinism, chin hair and a red monkey vagina in one post. And make it rock.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Nov 23, 2011 at 5:09 am
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Report Tue Nov 22, 2011 - 6:17 pmYou poor humans. It is much easier being a goat. I just sniff the air, give my tails some wags and moan just right and my studmuffin, Luke the goat comes running. He then pees on his beard and I am ready to roll. Don't you wish YOU were a goat?Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Nov 23, 2011 at 5:06 am
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Report Tue Nov 22, 2011 - 6:48 pmYeah- I am still thankful mine is blonde, but I do suddenly have an overabundance of peach fuzz (yes, I am still gonna call it that, mmmkay?) on my jawline and chin. Dr said something about perimenopause. I don't know if he was going by that or the lack of a red vagina (it WAS the gyno man after all), but whatever. I hate him now.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Nov 23, 2011 at 5:04 am
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Report Tue Nov 22, 2011 - 7:12 pmWait though, wouldn't our sign of age change the color from red to something else, like puce or battleship gray. That might really put a damper on the old roll in the hay. Maybe, just one more reason for a lights off policy. I'm with you though, I'd rather have a puce va-jay jay than all of this chin hair. Oh, and the ones that grow straight out of the side of my face, i could do without them too.Reply
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3 replies, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Nov 23, 2011 at 4:58 am
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