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One more reason to do your Kegels
Have you done your Kegels today? You know you need to.
Your lady parts should be able to crack walnuts. Strengthen your pelvic floor! Kegel exercisers unite!
I'm doing you a favor. I'm sharing this important bit of advice about practicing your Kegels, because I don't want you to be an unsuspecting victim of STEDZ - Spontaneous Tampon Evacuation During Zumba. That's right. Don't dance out your tampon during Zumba class.
My mom didn't tell me of this possibility when she shared with me all the ins and outs of puberty and womanhood. It wasn't a chapter in Judy Blume's Are You There God, It's Me, Margaret either.
But ladies -- what they don't tell you in all these instances, nor do they mention it in tampon commercials when they show these ladies playing tennis, going to night clubs in white mini skirts, so short you can see their IUD -- is that tampons can fall out.
And they have.
If you've been to Zumba, you know there's a lot of dancing (duh), jumping, dropping it low, twirling, and shaking your groove thang. Personally, I make sure I have an empty bladder before class. I take precautions, trust me. Some of the jumping I even fake. There's just only so much this 40-year-old can handle. Well, one woman in Zumba class recently was far too cavalier with her biznass.
Right in the middle of Ke$ha's "Die Young," a poor unsuspecting female dashed out of class, presumably, to the bathroom. And on the floor, in the spot where she had been dancing, was her Playtex. Not in a wrapper mind you. But a soggy, limp and used tampon.
Talk about putting it all out there. When J. Lo sings "On the Floor," I don't think she meant THIS.
It had fallen out. Out of her cavernous lady parts. Fallen like a bloodied limp cotton paratrooper. Splat. Used and disgusting. Like a tea bag ready for Edward Cullen. It was soaked and just lying there. Evacuated.
You make eye contact with your girlfriend dancing next to you, with a look that says, "WTF? Do you SEE THAT?" And she looks back at you with the same look in her eyes, but it says, "Shit, YES!"
You're wondering, did other people notice? Did she notice? Did she come back to class?
Hell yes people noticed. A group of about 15 of us looked on in horror. But I'm guessing an employee whisked it away with a paper towel while the rest of us were dancing our butts off, because by the time cotton pony girl came back to resume her place on the floor, it was gone and she acted like nothing had happened.
Talk about dance like no one is watching.
There was no chatter, no laughter, no nothing from the group. It could be everyone was suffering from PTSD from what they'd just witnessed. As class concluded people exited and the usual convo ensued regarding kids, husbands, PTA, etc. We saved our gossip for the privacy of our cars and cellphones.
How does something like this happen? I'm guessing her yoga pants are really loose and she doesn't wear underwear. And that she's given birth to triplets and has no sensation down there and a hoo-ha the size of a dryer hose.
This is why I share this story with you. Now you know the importance of Kegels (and underwear). You never want to be a victim of STEDZ. Never.
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Comments (42)
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Mon Apr 29, 2013 - 1:25 am
Oh. My. God. The size of a dryer hose. Birthed a small horse. Da-yam.Reply -
Report Sat Feb 9, 2013 - 5:58 amThe same thing happened to a friend when she was water skiing. She was mortified, even though no one else saw, and the river quickly washed away the evidence. This happening at Zumba, in front of a bunch of strangers would be change-your-name-and-move-out-of-state humiliating. The water skiing friend is me.Reply -
Report Fri Feb 8, 2013 - 11:19 pmOmg what?! That's crazy! This was a hilarious, yet very embarrassing, story. I'll make sure to keep doing my kegels! Thank you for enlightening us girls!Reply
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Report Thu Feb 7, 2013 - 8:07 pmI have died reading this multiple times! My son asked me last night if I was ok. He even wanted me to explain! (He is 5) I also have shared this with every woman I know, hoping they enjoy it as much as me. Oh and of course to remind them to do their kegels!Reply
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Report Wed Feb 6, 2013 - 10:04 pmGood Lord!!! Am I the only one thinking this, or shouldn't the whole "floor" area have been sanitized? Perhaps gyms should just put those Biohazard buckets in the corners of all the Zumba rooms so that cleanup can be done properly when this type of event occurs. Fortunately, I've never personally experienced STEDZ, and I probably never will, because, after two children, I simply can't jump around and shake my booty without peeing my pants (I tried hopscotch with my littlest the other week and it did NOT go well...if you know what I mean. If my bladder can't handle hopscotch, I am sure as hell not going to be Zumba'ing it up anytime soon.) Although I have to say that Beyonce's halftime show performance gave me some encouragement. If Bey can pop out a baby and still jiggle her vagina around like she's using it as a cocktail shaker--and do so without the help of some seriously absorbent underwear--then perhaps there is hope for us mere mortals as well. I want to know the name of Beyonce's Kegels trainer. In fact, I would like to officially petition that Kegels classes be added to the agenda at the local gym. Kegels followed by Zumba? Sounds like a good combo to me. Perhaps you could get a discount if you take them back-to-back. Anyway, thanks for posting this...I will now officially have nightmares for the rest of the week....Reply
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Wed Feb 6, 2013 - 9:36 pm
I am in pain from laughing. PAIN.Reply -
Report Wed Feb 6, 2013 - 10:32 amWhen I was in high school I once sneezed during gym class and a tampon broke through my shorts and hit the teacher in the face.Reply
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Report Wed Feb 6, 2013 - 8:11 amLol!!!!!! The dryer hose comparison was real perfection!!!!Reply
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Report Wed Feb 6, 2013 - 5:41 amOh my GOD - she came BACK into class? Go her. I probably would have fled the scene, sobbing. Called to cancel my membership and begin to consider witness protection. Next time you see her - offer her the following advice "You may want to avoid trampolines as well."Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by FrugalistaBlog on Wed Feb 6, 2013 at 7:16 am
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Report Wed Feb 6, 2013 - 5:43 amHahahaha oh my gosh! Poor thing! I did the ugly snort laugh sitting on the couch, and my husband looked at me like I was a loon. I would have been too embarrassed to come back to class so good for her! This is the one, and probably only, time I'm grateful for my c-section!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by FrugalistaBlog on Wed Feb 6, 2013 at 7:15 am
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Report Wed Feb 6, 2013 - 12:56 amI would not only laugh, but I'd do the socially unacceptable snort laugh, but then I'd feel guilty so I'd probably run out of the room in search of the tampon dropper & offer a sympathetic shoulder to cry on, but then I'd need tissue to dry her tears, so I'd run to the bathroom to grab a wad of T.P, but then I'd get a wad of TP stuck to my shoe. Then I'd walk back into Zumba class trailing a 3 foot trail of TP on my shoe which would cause someone else to do the snort laugh.... Can you tell I am at home with a 4 year old & my only inspiration is "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie"?Reply
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2 replies, Last reply by Jenn J on Wed Feb 6, 2013 at 3:32 am
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Wed Feb 6, 2013 - 12:48 am
Bless her heart! (And her gaping lady cave.) I will never be able to look at a dryer hose the same way, Frugie.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by FrugalistaBlog on Wed Feb 6, 2013 at 2:51 am
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Report Wed Feb 6, 2013 - 1:03 amThis blog was a great find and for better or worse, you described a completely vivid and hilarious picture of things. One of the best lines: We saved our gossip for the privacy of our cars and cellphones. I'll bet you were outta there in a hurry.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by FrugalistaBlog on Wed Feb 6, 2013 at 2:48 am
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Report Wed Feb 6, 2013 - 1:19 amOh hell, that is why I quit wearing them damn things years ago! After having 4 kids, you can do all the Kegels in the world, but there ain't no keeping them in! (they give me headaches too, reason #2 I quit) Honestly, I think they need to make a "double wide" tampon! :) maybe triple...just sayin!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by FrugalistaBlog on Wed Feb 6, 2013 at 2:48 am
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Report Wed Feb 6, 2013 - 1:33 amMy very modest co-worker had a zebra-print thong fall out of her pants leg during a staff meeting yesterday. I am going to send her this link to let her know things could be worse. Much worse. SO much worse....Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by FrugalistaBlog on Wed Feb 6, 2013 at 2:47 am
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Report Tue Feb 5, 2013 - 10:52 pmDoing my Kegels right now after reading that, lol!!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by FrugalistaBlog on Tue Feb 5, 2013 at 11:16 pm
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Report Tue Feb 5, 2013 - 10:41 pmI think all the laughing I just done counts as kegles!! LOLOLOLOLReply
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1 reply, Last reply by FrugalistaBlog on Tue Feb 5, 2013 at 11:16 pm
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Report Tue Feb 5, 2013 - 9:53 pmI may have finally found a reason to be grateful for my hysterectomy. Never thought I'd say that!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by FrugalistaBlog on Tue Feb 5, 2013 at 11:16 pm
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Tue Feb 5, 2013 - 9:31 pm
OMG! I wouldn't have been able to stay quiet.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by FrugalistaBlog on Tue Feb 5, 2013 at 9:53 pm
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Report Tue Feb 5, 2013 - 9:39 pmI'll be doing Kegels for the rest of the year after that.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by FrugalistaBlog on Tue Feb 5, 2013 at 9:52 pm
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Report Tue Feb 5, 2013 - 9:41 pmI am crying laughing -- and doing my Kegels! Thanks for the reminder!!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by FrugalistaBlog on Tue Feb 5, 2013 at 9:51 pm
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Report Tue Feb 5, 2013 - 9:48 pmROFL! It's a good thing I wasn't drinking anything when I read this!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by FrugalistaBlog on Tue Feb 5, 2013 at 9:51 pm
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Report Tue Feb 5, 2013 - 9:43 pmI Kegel. But I don't Zumba. Why, you may ask? Because I embarrassed the shizz out of myself. Story here: http://bit.ly/U3hImK :)Reply
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Tue Feb 5, 2013 - 5:38 pm
Does everyone immediately start doing Kegels when they see the word? I have no words - because I am laughing and doing Kegels. Thank you so much.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by FrugalistaBlog on Tue Feb 5, 2013 at 9:31 pm
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Tue Feb 5, 2013 - 9:25 pm
This scared me into repeated sets of Kegels! I can't believe that y'all went on with the booty shakin'! I would have been the crazy pointer and laugher!Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by FrugalistaBlog on Tue Feb 5, 2013 at 9:30 pm
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