Birthday parties for grown-ups
Nothing makes me want to bitch slap a whiner faster than hearing someone complain that it's her birthday.
Buck up and blow out an accurate number of candles, you asshat: do you know how lucky you are to even be here to moan and groan about your age?
I wake up every single January 8th thankful to be one year older, and hell-bent on celebrating the crap out of my birthday.
My festivities begin with something special for breakfast, then I nip out to treat myself to a couple new books to read, accept whatever adorable card my mom sends me, relish in the attention my kids lavish upon me in the form of overly-wet kisses and indecipherable homemade gifts, and gather my girlfriends around me for dinner.
Some have suggested that I over-do my birthday celebrations.
I respectfully disagree.
Why should kids get all the parties and gifts? Why shouldn't we grown-ups whoop it up in party hats and ice cream?
Here are a few reasons behind why I think all of us adults should be more generous to ourselves on the anniversary of our births:
1. Cake. Why wouldn't you accept a very valid excuse to eat it?
2. We're old enough to substitute martinis for cake at our birthday parties. Or have both. (Isn't it awesome being a grown-up??)
3. Screw playing Simon Says or Pass the Parcel, we can go dancing!
4. Every single friggin' day of a kid's life is a party, and yet those selfish bastards still get to party in a bouncy castle or bowling alley with thirty of their classmates just because they turned seven. Why can't we just have one of those days every year?
5. I watch enough news programming to realize how lucky I am to survive a trip to the corner store and back. Making it another 365 days and still be standing is worthy of a few balloons and streamers.
6. Did I mention cake yet?
7. The only alternative to having birthdays is to not have birthdays. I hear being dead is quite a drag, so I'll stick with the ‘Having Birthdays' program, ThankYouVeryMuch.
8. People will give you presents. ‘Nuff said.
So the next time your special day comes around, instead of grimacing and saying you're "39...again," I encourage you to fill your office with balloons, get your best friends to meet you for lunch, and savor each and every Happy Birthday hug that comes your way.
Heck, you could even rent out the bouncy-castle place for a few hours, and set up a real bar instead of a pizza bar. Now that would be a party.
And if you need someone to help you finish off that cake? I know just the girl to call...