Jan 31

What puts the horn in porn

Comments (8) by The Regular Guy UK January 31, 2012 - 7:02 AM

Dear Regular Guy,

So just what is the fascination men have for porn? I like a bit of eroticism as much as the next girl but why do we have to see the actual ins and outs of it all?

Turned Off.

Dear Miss Off,

It's an age old debate isn't it? Last Tango in Paris was a sexy film - so they say - and yet certain things were left to the imagination rather than shoved into your face, so why isn't all porn like that? Well, the only thing stirring in me at the sight of Brando's grumpy face digging his dirty hands into the butter was revulsion at the thought of what they were going to be spreading on their post-coital bacon sandwich.

In Nine and a Half Weeks I spent too much time worrying about the waste of good honey and the amount of time it was going to take clearing the mess up, to ever even think about getting horny.

The fact of the matter is that you women have something that we men simply don't - imagination.  Don't make us fill in the blanks ourselves because we can't.

We have a direct link from our eyes and ears that connects instantly to our Groinal Control Centre whenever sexiness is detected, bypassing any requirement for the brain to get involved. With the GCC in charge, the brain is free to get on with keeping a lookout for anyone coming down the stairs.

However, the GCC is essentially equipped with a Pentium 1 chip against the brain's Quad-core i7; it simply cannot cope with complex scenarios involving trainee Jet fighter pilots or ghosts, it just needs to see the pizza delivery men getting paid in kind or Agent Provocateur clad women with broken down boilers (and no, it never wonders why they aren't wearing thick jumpers and thermal tights if their heating is broken). We need things to be clearly explained so that our 64K of RAM can process the information quickly enough to direct the blood flow efficiently.

It's the same with dirty talk. This is why we ask you to do it, then get frustrated when you start describing some scene where the wind is blowing across the heath and the manor house is on fire - stop it immediately and get on with talking about your boobs. Heavily described locations or padded out back stories download like a picture on a 56K modem used to do, by the time you see that she isn't actually a woman it's all too late. Details, clarity and straight-to-the-point please or otherwise don't bother.

And this is why porn works so well on us. It says "Here it is and this is what you do with it". Our GCC can process that information speedily and effectively. A mainstream sexy film can only ‘work' once because as soon the heroes have finally got together for that steamy clinch, there's nothing left.  The plot won't interest us a second time and the steamy clinch requires too much data crunching to get things moving by itself. A good porn film, on the other hand, can keep us going for years - giving much more bang for your buck.

Hope this helps.

by The Regular Guy UK January 31, 2012 - 7:02 AM


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Comments (8)

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  • Report Tue Jan 31, 2012 - 3:39 pm
    by  Janie Emaus
    Having worked in the porn indudstry for 10 years, I agree with you completely!
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by The Regular Guy UK on Tue Jan 31, 2012 at 8:30 pm
  • Report Tue Jan 31, 2012 - 8:30 pm
    by  The Regular Guy UK
    @Janie Emaus: Out of interest - why do they wear only a skimpy nighty when their heating is broken?
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Jan 31, 2012 - 3:13 pm
    by  EmmaK
    Funny one! I don't know if men have no imagination but they do have a lot of tolerance for really bad dialogue and some of the worst plastic surgery known to man. If I watch a porn film I don't last long and all I can think is 'was that cut price plastic surgery because those balls are in the wrong place' or 'did she have to ladle the make up on with a shovel like that.' Whereas the male of the species watches...enrapt
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by The Regular Guy UK on Tue Jan 31, 2012 at 8:29 pm
  • Report Tue Jan 31, 2012 - 8:29 pm
    by  The Regular Guy UK
    @EmmaK: I never last long either :)
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Jan 31, 2012 - 12:16 pm
    by  Liz Dawes
    Dearest, I'm sorry, it doesn't help at all. Much like you have no imagination, I, and many women, have less than no idea what your techy gadgetry speak means. Really. I'm lost. A Pentium-Quad-Core what already?!!
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by The Regular Guy UK on Tue Jan 31, 2012 at 12:27 pm
  • Report Tue Jan 31, 2012 - 12:27 pm
    by  The Regular Guy UK
    @Liz Dawes: ok I understand completely -- try comparing a Henry to a Dyson then ;-p
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Jan 31, 2012 - 11:23 am
    by  marketingtomilk
    Frickin' brilliant. "download like a picture on a 56K modem used to do, by the time you see that she isn't actually a woman it's all too late". Made me roar. Brilliant, and now it's all so clear..... M2M
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by The Regular Guy UK on Tue Jan 31, 2012 at 12:12 pm
  • Report Tue Jan 31, 2012 - 12:12 pm
    by  The Regular Guy UK
    @marketingtomilk: happy to help :-) thanks those days were such a gamble
    Reply Delete

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