Nov 13

Menopause makes you smell like a dude

Comments (46) by Dusty Earth Mother November 13, 2012 - 7:01 AM

Tis true - my meno has paused. Quite a long pause, actually, as it began two years ago and will end... well... never. And yes, I'm on the youngish side for meno-ellipsis, but young or old, there's never really an optimal time to start smelling like a dude.

It's embarrassing to admit, but I used to take pride in my neutral natural scent. I was one of the least stenchy women I knew, able to chuckle robustly over the fact that I didn't know the difference between antiperspirant and deodorant and didn't care because such rules did not apply to flowery-armpits moi.

Word to the wise: whatever you chuckle robustly over will come back to haunt you. Never, ever chuckle robustly.

You think I exaggerate, fair reader, but no. There was a time when I could have jogged five miles through the Sahara, changed into a sleeveless evening gown and gone straight to a cocktail party full of midgets with overly sensitive olfactory nerves and not one of them would have turned up their pert noses.

But as the old song says, "Those days are gone."

Reference point: that old song is Eric Carmen's "All By Myself." Which I fear I'm going to be singing frequently due to my new meno-dude-scent.

I first noticed it about six months ago while doing an exercise DVD. This was about a year and a half into my meno-on-to-infinity and I had been taking pride in the fact that I'd had few of the symptoms that I'd heard about, when suddenly I caught a whiff of something and had a slight reaction.

The slight reaction went something like this: "Holy crap, did an unbathed lumberjack/truck driver/Sumo wrestler just enter my abode?"

No. As you may have guessed, the Sumo was Su-me.

Since emanating the fragrance of a blue-collar worker was not one of the symptoms I knew of meno-suspension, I searched for the spiritual cause of my predicament - had I been too arrogant about my former delicate underarm bouquet? Isn't there a saying, "Pride goeth before a smell"? I finally came to my senses and did what all wise women in my situation do - no, I didn't ask my doctor, how very 20th century of you, I Googled. And this is what I found: "During menopause, as estrogen levels decrease, male hormone ratios are increased."

Resolution: after some mental math, I realized the reason I smelled like a dude was because I was now approximately 1/4 dude.

And so, fair reader, I'm left with a decision: I can either weep over my present machoroma, or I can see the perspiration glass as 1/4 full. After all, being part dude allows me a few privileges such as earning a fair paycheck, being able to stay in bed when I feel sick, and being able to pee on the side of the road because we can't find the rest stop because I refuse to ask for directions.

My sweat cup runneth over.

by Dusty Earth Mother November 13, 2012 - 7:01 AM


Comments (46)

Enter the word as it appears in the box.

Submit Comment Cancel
  • Report Mon Apr 1, 2013 - 6:42 am
    wengxy Though the Tigers didn’t capture the national championship that year, Bakich’s youthful enthusiasm and passion for the game impressed his fellow Coach Factory Outlet at Clemson so much that when Clemson assistant Tim Corbin was hired to Coach Factory Outlet Online Vanderbilt in the 2003 season, he brought Bakich along as his hitting Coach Outlet and recruiting coordinator, despite Bakich having only one year of Coach Outlet Online experience.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Mar 6, 2013 - 5:55 pm
    The majority of thick cheap hair extensions pieces for women are simply taped in hair extensions in so they can be added or removed quickly and easily tape remy hair extensions. They come in a whole range of prices to accommodate all budgets, though the cheaper options are usually made out of synthetic tape in hair extensions. Once again, specialist products ought to be used to wash tape hair extensions, and it's generally recommended that extensions should be washed after every 5 to 6 uses.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Mon Mar 4, 2013 - 4:02 pm
    by  david
    During the summer months light chocolate brown hair, it's crucial that you put extra effort into caring for your light brown hair extensions clip in. Always take the time to wash your light brown hair extensions after swimming or spending time in the sun. It's also a good idea to keep your light brown clip in hair extensions covered with a bandanna or a loose light brown clip extensions human hair, if you plan on being out all day.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Fri Dec 28, 2012 - 3:56 pm
    I'm impressed. You're truly well informed and very intelligent. You wrote something that people could understand and made the subject intriguing for everyone. I'm saving this for future use.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Dec 25, 2012 - 7:35 am
    ticular area?How are multiple http://www.best-unlocked-phones.com/ sim free mobile phones for sale in ireland defined and where will they work?We're going to attempt to look at those questions in this article.What is GSM?GSM,Global System for http://www.best-unlocked-phones.com/ sim free mobile phones for sale (or the Acronym formally known as Groupe Special Mobile) is a wireless transmission standard used for http://www.best-unlocked-phones.com/ sim free mobile phones explained and,recently wireless modems.GSM and CDMA differ because GSM networks use a SIM card to store all the necessary information to send and receive calls where with http://www.best-unlocked-phones.com/ sim free mobile phones deals everything is kept on the phones.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Mon Nov 26, 2012 - 10:25 am
    by  Sandy
    The saddest part about this is that I notice the dude smell most when I'm in the midst of the worst cramps and flow ever experienced. It shouldn't be possible to be experiencing AAAALLLLLL the symptoms simultaneously and still in the peri- phase.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Dusty Earth Mother on Thu Nov 29, 2012 at 8:48 am
  • Report Thu Nov 29, 2012 - 8:48 am
    @Sandy: Ohhhh. That is very sad, Sandy. Flow and smell. Yikes.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Nov 20, 2012 - 7:51 am
    by  dNambiar
    Oh my! I'm dreading the 'pause' Thank you for the warning. :)
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Dusty Earth Mother on Sat Nov 24, 2012 at 4:31 am
  • Report Sat Nov 24, 2012 - 4:31 am
    @dNambiar: Sorry I had to be the one to break it to you, dNambiar. Forgive, please.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Mon Nov 19, 2012 - 11:44 pm
    Does that mean I'll actually be hot for a change soon and not cold when it's 70 degrees out? I used to have zero perspiration, now I have enough to warrant deodorant. Maybe I'm headed to "the change" too. Glass is half full, maybe a little less estrogen would even me out.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Dusty Earth Mother on Sat Nov 24, 2012 at 4:31 am
  • Report Sat Nov 24, 2012 - 4:31 am
    @Mommy Unmuted: I will say that this is an upside for me too, MU, because I used to be freezing all the time.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Sun Nov 18, 2012 - 8:41 am
    by  Kristin
    I CANNOT believe I just came across this. Two reasons. 1. I was watching a rerun of The New Adventures of the Old Christine on Lifetime (this show is GREAT)...and Christine was told she was in peri-menopause. Hilarity ensues. She then starts using this "lady cream" as she calls it, which contains testosterone. She's flicking off bottle caps, acting aggressively, and is acting like a construction worker, to put it simply (and hopefully not offensively...my husband is a construction worker and I think he's HOT). 2. That episode (and now this post) has me certain that I'm in the same sweaty boat, so to speak. Crap.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Dusty Earth Mother on Sat Nov 24, 2012 at 4:30 am
  • Report Sat Nov 24, 2012 - 4:30 am
    @Kristin: Well, this just proves my point, Kristin!
    Reply Delete
  • Report Sat Nov 17, 2012 - 5:50 pm
    by  Nirvana
    This is exactly why they say people in glass cabins should not read hilarious posts! I have a bunch of silly colleaues peering into my room wondering what I just read! You, dudette, are awesome! Laughed myself silly, and now have to go pee for fear of further damage to my reputation! Awesome, awesome post! First time here, and so glad Roshni (Big A little a passed on the link) Gasp! Just chuckled robustly! :-D
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Dusty Earth Mother on Sat Nov 24, 2012 at 4:28 am
  • Report Sat Nov 24, 2012 - 4:28 am
    @Nirvana: Thanks, Nirvana! xxoo, dudette.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Sat Nov 17, 2012 - 4:07 am
    by  Kablooey
    That's a symptom I (whispers) don't have yet. Don't want to tempt the Gods who give Pause to pile on. My question: can one select the dude? I request Johnny Depp after he runs through a Provence sun shower. Or the opposite of Karl Rove's sackscent.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Dusty Earth Mother on Sat Nov 24, 2012 at 4:27 am
  • Report Sat Nov 24, 2012 - 4:27 am
    @Kablooey: I'm so sorry, K, not sure you're allowed to choose your own dudescent.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Fri Nov 16, 2012 - 9:39 am
    Well as long as your fabulous hair doesn't smell like a dude, I think you'll be ok!
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Dusty Earth Mother on Sat Nov 24, 2012 at 4:26 am
  • Report Sat Nov 24, 2012 - 4:26 am
    @Liz @ PeaceLoveGuac: All girl on the hair, Liz.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Thu Nov 15, 2012 - 4:41 am
    Oh GREAT. Something new to dread. Although given that our family is 75% female, maybe my husband could use the company.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Dusty Earth Mother on Thu Nov 15, 2012 at 9:08 am
  • Report Thu Nov 15, 2012 - 9:08 am
    @Nancy Davis Kho: he's going to be happy to have some "man" around, Nance.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Nov 14, 2012 - 8:03 pm
    Wait - do we get to choose which 1/4 of us turns into a dude? Because I would like to have a say in that. Fabulous post, as always! XOXO A.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Dusty Earth Mother on Wed Nov 14, 2012 at 10:15 pm
  • Report Wed Nov 14, 2012 - 10:15 pm
    @Anna Lefler: Since you always say you have the sense of humor of a 12-year old boy, you're obviously already 1/4 dude. Not sure what this means for your future, dear friend. Sorry.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Nov 14, 2012 - 1:27 pm
    Love this!!
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Dusty Earth Mother on Wed Nov 14, 2012 at 10:13 pm
  • Report Wed Nov 14, 2012 - 10:13 pm
    @Lady Jennie: Get ready, Lady Jennie...
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Nov 14, 2012 - 8:24 am
    by  lhewitt
    I will heed your word to the wise and Not chuckle robustly, but fear it may be too late, as I have the reverse, I freeze, all the time. Even worse, I have publicly declared that I am not going to go through menopause, ever. My fear cup runneth over.Oh well, at least I got a great laugh (not a robust chuckle!) Oh - a tip I remembered - botox for the pits -"they" swear it works.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Dusty Earth Mother on Wed Nov 14, 2012 at 10:12 pm
  • Report Wed Nov 14, 2012 - 10:12 pm
    @lhewitt: Botox for the pits. Duly noted. xxoo
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Nov 14, 2012 - 3:45 am
    by  Tracey
    Oh crap.. that's one symptom I hadn't noticed among all the others - and believe me, I've found a few. (To the point that my DB scoffs 'How many symptoms can one condition have?'...) Now I'm going to be paranoid about that too !!!
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Dusty Earth Mother on Wed Nov 14, 2012 at 5:51 am
  • Report Wed Nov 14, 2012 - 5:51 am
    @Tracey: Well, that's what I'm here for, Tracey; to make others fear their own bodies.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Nov 13, 2012 - 11:23 pm
    by  Roshni
    I was ROTFL until I realized that I do the same, i.e. chuckle robustly because I too am one of those neutral natural scented gals!! And, now I need to do some mental math to figure out when I start turning dude-ish!!
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Dusty Earth Mother on Tue Nov 13, 2012 at 11:46 pm
  • Report Tue Nov 13, 2012 - 11:46 pm
    @Roshni: Oh, girl. Pull back on the scent-pride and maybe God will have mercy on your pits.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Nov 13, 2012 - 10:27 pm
    by  anna
    i really, really hope you are just exageratting for the funny. please?
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Dusty Earth Mother on Tue Nov 13, 2012 at 11:45 pm
  • Report Tue Nov 13, 2012 - 11:45 pm
    @anna: Um... sure. Sure, I am. *hit by lightning*
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Nov 13, 2012 - 9:48 pm
    by  Terry
    Great,..just something else to look forward to (in the not distant enough future I'm afraid), lol. I think I may start spending more time outdoors to dilute the aroma. Whadda ya think?
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Dusty Earth Mother on Tue Nov 13, 2012 at 9:58 pm
  • Report Tue Nov 13, 2012 - 9:58 pm
    @Terry: I've become an "outdoor" type of girl since my entry into dudedom. It works.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Nov 13, 2012 - 9:23 pm
    I guess I've been part "dude" for about 10 years now!
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Dusty Earth Mother on Tue Nov 13, 2012 at 9:43 pm
  • Report Tue Nov 13, 2012 - 9:43 pm
    @Janie Emaus: And you never even knew, did you, Janie?
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Nov 13, 2012 - 9:21 pm
    The "chuckle robustly" gets me every time. You would think I would learn. Thanks for the robust chuckle, smelly one!
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Dusty Earth Mother on Tue Nov 13, 2012 at 9:43 pm
  • Report Tue Nov 13, 2012 - 9:43 pm
    @Kerry Rossow: Glad to make you chuckle robustly. Love, The Smelly One.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Nov 13, 2012 - 7:42 pm
    I think this article is very interesting. Please continue to write!
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by dusty earth mother on Tue Nov 13, 2012 at 7:53 pm
  • Report Tue Nov 13, 2012 - 7:53 pm
    @bestresearchpaper: "Interesting." I like that. I was expecting "gross".
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Nov 13, 2012 - 6:26 pm
    This is news I didn't want. When the gynecologist ran through the set of symptoms to expect, she did not include "you'll smell like the bottom of a gym bag." As the mother of Four Fine Sons, I am well aquainted with that odor and was hoping not to deal with it now that 3 of them are moved out. Now you're telling me that even my husband, who works in a textile mill and can sometimes smell like a boar hog at the end of the day...even HE might notice? Thanks heaps.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by dusty earth mother on Tue Nov 13, 2012 at 7:37 pm
  • Report Tue Nov 13, 2012 - 7:37 pm
    @rootietoot: My pleasure, Rootietoot! (exclamation point is unnecessary, I know).
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Nov 13, 2012 - 6:35 pm
    Great-I already perspire like a dude and I'm not menopausal. Thanks for the tip. I'll start buying stock in the industrial super duper heavy duty dude deodorant.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by dusty earth mother on Tue Nov 13, 2012 at 7:36 pm
  • Report Tue Nov 13, 2012 - 7:36 pm
    @The Sadder But Wiser Girl: Now you're really Sadder but Wiser. You're welcome.
    Reply Delete

We’re pretty Pinteresting

NewsLetters

Subscribe Now