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Transplant needed
I just got back from a three day, kid-free, island getaway with my husband, and I gotta tell you, I need a full-on vagina transplant!
It's not what you think.
The island in question is Block Island, Rhode Island, which is
one of my favorite places (and I've seen a lot of places). We had a small, old romantic room
in a very, very old charming inn. The whole
excursion was in celebration of my husband's birthday. As the good wife I am, I
do things my husband wants to do on his birthday.
I said it's not what you think.
So why the vagina transplant? Well, I'm a say "yes" kind of girl.
Still not what you think.
One of the things I pride myself on, and something that totally helped my husband fall for me, is that I'm up for just about anything.
Seriously, I said it's not what you think.
Want to go drink a bottle of wine over lunch? Sure. Want to go for a walk that ends up involving 5 hours of us lost and disoriented in the woods? You betcha! Want to bring our bikes to Block Island and ride for hours and hours and hours and hours for a couple of days? Why not? What could go wrong?
Now, when I say "vagina transplant" I'm not speaking with precise anatomical correctness. My vagina itself is actually in pretty good shape. It's the entire labial area that I need exchanged, please.
Whoever designed bike seats hates women.
Whoever suggests a woman ride a bike for hours and hours clearly does not want to do anything else with that woman's lady bits for a long, long time.
So, until my number comes up on the transplant list, please ignore my winces when I sit down. And if you see me walking with an uncomfortable bow-legged gait, refrain from hi-fiving my husband.
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Comments (16)
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Report Fri Aug 31, 2012 - 12:08 amAnd THIS is why I never went to another spinning class after my first one. If the choice is between a fat ass and numb ladybits, I choose to feel my funzone!Reply
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Thu Aug 30, 2012 - 3:13 pm
Loved it!Reply -
Report Wed Aug 29, 2012 - 6:09 pmWord! I got a mountain bike a decade ago to trail ride with Hubs. Bought the extra squishy seats and those padded bike shirts. Useless! My labia cried for days. Now I flip off the bike, just like I have for nearly 10 years, as I pass it in the garage and get into my labia-loving car.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Allison Hart on Thu Aug 30, 2012 at 1:50 am
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Report Wed Aug 29, 2012 - 10:24 pmI used to have that problem but then I discovered the wonder that is women's bicycle seats. Seriously, they're amazing. Don't go online to buy them, go to a store for women's bikes and talk to them. The thick gel ones aren't the best for certain bike types (like the ones where you lean forward to hold the handles) because you sit differently on the seat. Make sure the end where your rump rests is wide enough to accommodate your sit bones. Bring your bike with you so you can try them on. You won't regret it.Reply
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Report Wed Aug 29, 2012 - 8:18 pmHAHAHA! You think bike riding is tough on the lady bits? Try horseback riding. There is a reason ladies rode side-saddle way back in the days of yore. And it's not because the riding was pleasurable, at least in my opinion! I couldn't walk correctly for days.Reply
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Report Wed Aug 29, 2012 - 4:52 amLove it! I was actually laughing out loud :DReply
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Report Wed Aug 29, 2012 - 12:31 amI LOVE this. mainly because i know the feeling EXACTLY. I also wanted one after giving birth, but that's a different story...Reply
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Report Tue Aug 28, 2012 - 11:05 pmLol.. Yup, there are some things that aren't just designed for women.Reply
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Tue Aug 28, 2012 - 11:04 pm
I have the thickest, gel-liest, most cushy bike seat ever for my Spin classes. If you need to borrow it the next time you do favors for your husband? Gimme a call.Reply -
Report Tue Aug 28, 2012 - 9:41 pmLast time I rode bikes, all I need was a new shin, and ego, after managing a total faceplant. Did not ride long enough to require a hemorrhoid donut, nor will I, like, ever. What's wrong with getting a massage for a vaca sports activity?Reply
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Report Tue Aug 28, 2012 - 8:28 pmHILARIOUS! Especially the part about not high-fiving your husband! LMAO!!!Reply
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Report Tue Aug 28, 2012 - 7:41 pmBless your heart! My hubs is training for a marathon so I'm the lucky duck that gets to ride my bike along side him (pulling a 30+ lb trailer with toddler) behind me so that he can have water when he needs it. Um yeah, I feel your pain WEEKLY! My max is ten miles before I die of exhaustion and labial pain.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Allison Hart on Tue Aug 28, 2012 at 7:46 pm
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Report Tue Aug 28, 2012 - 6:34 pmOh, I wish I could help you. My street is a torn up, black-topped-over, pot holey mess. And my girl loves biking, too. So ... when you find a donor ... see if she has a sister. :) Good luck with the healing process. Find that doughnut you probably put away after birthing your kids and sit on it.Reply
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