 |
Masturbating the masses
The first time I was caught masturbating was on the 405 northbound.
I had a two-hour commute in heavy traffic after a long day on my first post-college job. Driving ten miles per hour on the freeway resulted in a rhythmic puh-pum, puh-pum, puh-pum, puh-pum that was, for lack of better words, stimulating.
After an hour of fantasizing about my boyfriend, Prince came on the radio; I was wearing a skirt.
Puh-pum, puh-pum, puh-pum, puh-pum.
It was a hot summer day. The windows were rolled down.
"Take me baby / Kiss me all over / Play with my love"
I imagined Prince's ass in tight white pants. (What can I say? It was the eighties.)
Puh-pum, puh-pum, puh-pum, puh-pum.
"Give it to me like I just can't take no more"
Prince's piercing eyes. My fingers slick, penetrating.
Puh-pum, puh-pum, puh-pum, puh-pum.
"I said ooo-ooo-ooo-oooooo.... / Do me baby, do me baby"
I was about to sit on Prince's lap when my reverie was interrupted by an incredibly loud WAH-OOOOOGAH.
Puh-pum, puh-pum, puh-pum, puh-pum.
A long hairy arm was sticking out of the window of a big rig as it rolled past my car.
The driver was giving me a thumbs up.
It was exhilarating. And titillating. And yes, I was blushing for hours.
I was dying to call my best friend and spill. We've talked about everything. But something stopped me from picking up the phone. Was it shame? Embarrassment? Maybe a bit of both.
Over the years I have sat over many a glass of wine with girlfriends talking men, sex, women, sexual positions, where to have sex, when to have sex, with whom not to have sex, awkward sex, awesome sex. But the Two-Finger Taco Tango? Hee-haw with Wrinkled Mee-Maw? Rubbin' the Nubbin? Squeezing the Peach? No. Not a word.
During one such dinner, I figured my mom's group would be up for talking masturbation. So I joked about (possibly) resorting to my son's collection of Hex Bugs to sub during a vibrator malfunction. One of the six snorted. The others looked vaguely uncomfortable. And for a moment I felt like perhaps I was a wee bit crazy. But then I thought about it and decided that no, I'm not crazy. I have a healthy sex drive.
So. What is with the taboo around women and masturbation? Ladies, let's talk about it.
Masturbation can improve a depressed mood. It helps build sexual confidence (which makes you better in the sack), and improves the symptoms of PMS. Masturbation is a great tension reliever. The feeling of being in touch with your body, the ability to give yourself pleasure that doesn't depend on anyone else's performance is wonderful.
There is nothing to be ashamed about.
I masturbate. It's great.
(Just think! Road rage would be a thing of the past.)
Now, twenty-three years too late, I'm going to call my best friend and tell her the whole story.
You May Also Like
Comments (45)
-
Report Thu Jun 7, 2012 - 12:39 amlol! Hee Haw with wrinkled mee maw!!! awesomeReply -
2 replies, Last reply by SEO on Fri Oct 12, 2012 at 5:54 pm
-
Report Fri Jun 1, 2012 - 8:35 ami've been meaning to read this all day-except i was at work and i thought it was probably not appropriate reading for at work. i just forwarded it to my one and only friend with whom i discuss these things. she's going to appreciate it! i think she and i went to purchase our first vibrators in college together. ha! i hope that someday, if i have a daughter, she won't be ashamed to take care of herself, too!Reply
-
2 replies, Last reply by SEO Agency on Mon Sep 10, 2012 at 6:04 pm
-
Report Fri Jun 1, 2012 - 8:54 amBest line ever: But the Two-Finger Taco Tango? Hee-haw with Wrinkled Mee-Maw? Rubbin' the Nubbin? Squeezing the Peach? No. Not a word.Reply
-
1 reply, Last reply by JlWeinberg on Mon Jun 4, 2012 at 12:39 am
-
Report Fri Jun 1, 2012 - 8:34 amGirl, you got rhythm! Down with road rage. Up with the Taco Tango. EllenReply
-
1 reply, Last reply by JlWeinberg on Mon Jun 4, 2012 at 12:37 am
-
Report Fri Jun 1, 2012 - 7:41 amit has been only very recently and with very few friends that i can openly discuss this, and for that/them i am grateful. i felt very ashamed about it for a long time, esp when i was younger and thought i really was the only one who did it. you are amazing, thanks for sharing this---LOVE IT!Reply
-
1 reply, Last reply by JLW on Fri Jun 1, 2012 at 8:00 am
-
Report Wed May 30, 2012 - 4:25 amHey, if Elaine from Seinfeld can do it, why not you! You are now Master of Your Domain! Heard about you from Kvetch Mom's blog!Reply
-
1 reply, Last reply by Jennifer on Thu May 31, 2012 at 9:01 pm
-
Report Wed May 30, 2012 - 5:05 amLOVE this post. There is one person I have always been able to talk about masturbation with (or anything sex-related) and that's my best friend R. in Colorado. I miss her... and it's too bad we can't talk more often, because there is certainly nobody where I live now that is comfortable talking about it. It's so much fun and it's good for you and contrary to what our catholic priest at home used to say you do not get hairy hands. I can confirm that. And that story about the trucker - I am sure I would have been embarrassed a bit, but probably more turned on than anything else!Reply
-
1 reply, Last reply by Jennifer on Thu May 31, 2012 at 9:01 pm
-
Report Wed May 30, 2012 - 6:58 pmYou go, girl. I'd carpool with you any day - ha! I have found that this topic works well when everyone's being silly or joking (and not necessarily admitting to it) but a serious conversation? Yeah. Not gonna happen. Then again, with euphemisms like the "Hee Haw with wrinkled Mee Maw" it's hard to take seriously. I had one friend who was REALLY open and joked about her toys and vibrators and got everyone giggling...but no one else was extremely forthcoming with their own details. Until now. (And did I really just say forthcoming? OH yes. I did.)Reply
-
1 reply, Last reply by Jennifer on Thu May 31, 2012 at 8:58 pm
-
Report Thu May 31, 2012 - 7:08 amI don't talk about it with people because I like having it all to myself. No one else. Admit to masturbation - YES! Go into detail? Oh no. It's something I want to enjoy all by my sweet, talented self.Reply
-
1 reply, Last reply by Jennifer on Thu May 31, 2012 at 8:54 pm
-
Report Thu May 31, 2012 - 7:38 amLove the open convo, girl! And you're right - no reason for the taboo-ness of it all! (Also? OMG Dying at taco tango!)Reply
-
Report
Tue May 29, 2012 - 6:25 pm
Hey JL, Wow - Great first sentence. How many times have you been "caught"? (not a real question) I have to say, I read that study yesterday, or one like it, about the benefits, etc. and I have lots of questions about it, not the validity of it, just why are people doing studies of everything. (everything)! Anyway, great post, thanks for sharing.Reply -
3 replies, Last reply by lhewitt on Wed May 30, 2012 at 5:56 am
-
Report
Tue May 29, 2012 - 7:10 pm
"Two-Fingered Taco Tango" is going to make me laugh All Day Long.Reply -
2 replies, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Wed May 30, 2012 at 5:34 am
-
Report Wed May 30, 2012 - 3:31 amRolling the bean is a favorite pasttime of mine. And I've never been ashamed to talk about it with my friends.Reply
-
2 replies, Last reply by Sara on Wed May 30, 2012 at 4:09 am
-
Report Tue May 29, 2012 - 5:45 pmYou. Are. Awesomesauce.Reply
-
1 reply, Last reply by JLWeinberg on Wed May 30, 2012 at 1:06 am
-
Report
Tue May 29, 2012 - 6:36 pm
I knew I loved you, but the fact that the truck horn in your story sounds like something from Mr. Magoo ("WAH-OOOOOGAH"), totally seals the deal.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by JLWeinberg on Wed May 30, 2012 at 1:04 am
-
Report Tue May 29, 2012 - 8:04 pmthe problem with the hexbug idea, which is otherwise brilliant, is with the word "bug" in the name - because that's pretty much my biggest fear on the planet. shudder shudder shudder and NOT in a good way. I imagine that hairy-armed trucker tells your story too, perhaps from an -ahem- slightly different angle. You've put an entirely new spin on sitting in traffic, I have to say.Reply
-
1 reply, Last reply by JLWeinberg on Wed May 30, 2012 at 1:03 am
-
Report
Tue May 29, 2012 - 9:36 pm
Squeeze the peach? You stole my euphemism!!! But for such a noble cause. *stands and applauds for at least 10 minutes*Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by JLWeinberg on Wed May 30, 2012 at 1:00 am
-
Report Tue May 29, 2012 - 9:38 pmYou just freed me from all those years of Catholic shame, you funny , honest woman! Thank you!Reply
-
1 reply, Last reply by JLWeinberg on Wed May 30, 2012 at 12:59 am
-
Report
Tue May 29, 2012 - 11:22 pm
Hehehe - I think I would have blushed for hours too, but that was fabulous :) Yay for masturbation! I rarely leave the house these days - I have my reasons.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by JLWeinberg on Wed May 30, 2012 at 12:59 am
-
Report Tue May 29, 2012 - 11:24 pmPuh-pum, puh-pum-puh-pum indeed. Hope your friend laughs as hard hearing it as I did reading it.Reply
-
1 reply, Last reply by JLWeinberg on Wed May 30, 2012 at 12:58 am
Enter the word as it appears in the box.