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A full circle sausage moment
I guess I could argue that Italian Sausage was what got me into that whole pregnant situation in the first place. Kind of befitting that it would also be what I remember most about my first labor and delivery twelve years ago.
I had just gotten home from work, and grocery shopping, and pumping my own gas that day. SPLASH! My water broke all over the driveway.
We called my doctor and followed her instructions to get to the hospital right away. (They wanted to make sure I hadn't just pissed myself...as if I didn't know the difference. Sha!)
Several hours of "Shouldn't you buy me flowers first?" invasive exams later, we were sent back home to await my contractions.
That's when the fun really began, because waiting for me at home were my 70-year-old Italian in-laws urging me to eat something...I would need my strength!
They were there to help because my husband had thrown out his back playing 36 straight holes of golf a few weeks earlier and was completely incapacitated.
(Oh, can you hear that? It's the world's smallest violin playing a rousing rendition of the You ASSHOLE! Sonata in F sharp.)
Yeah, you know all those last minute tasks a pregnant lady needs help with, like installing the car seat, putting the crib together, reaching her shoes? None of that shit got done at my house.
In fact, the day I was released from the hospital, my new baby, my labial icepack, and I had to sit on a bench outside for over half an hour while Mr. Back Spasm struggled with the car seat installation. Good times.
My in-laws were actually a Godsend, in spite of the fact that our little California bungalow was much too small for all of us. And by all of us, I mean four adults and the cloud of old man farts that were my Father-in-Law's constant companion.
But Mom was extremely helpful around the house and kept us all very well fed. The night I went into labor, she cooked Italian Sausage and Peppers for dinner.
It was delicious. I ate two helpings.
Look, I didn't know!
Life lesson: epidurals and Italian Sausage and Peppers do not good bedfellows make.
Unless, of course, you don't mind your b-hole acting like a Play-DOH Fuzzy Pumper Barber Shop extruder while you're pushing.
About 18 hours later, two nurses lifted my hips and changed the paper under me like I was a paraplegic puppy. I turned to my husband and croaked in my semi-conscious voice: "Oh my God, did I just poop?"
"Yes," he answered with his mouth, his eyes closed tightly against the sight he would never be able to unsee. "Actually, you've been pooping for a while."
Score one for the passive aggressive Italian MIL.
My healthy, albeit cone-headed baby boy emerged with the rest of my dinner shortly thereafter and nothing else really mattered.
My husband, surely exhausted from having to be on his feet and repeatedly remind me to breathe and relax so many times, went home and slept in his own bed and ate his mother's home cooked breakfast the next day.
I figure having to watch me crap myself repeatedly in front of a room full of strangers was the least I could do to even the score.
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Comments (69)
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Report Wed Mar 21, 2012 - 9:22 pmAs if your words didn't already burn a graphic image into both retinas, you just had to add that picture at the top. I gave birth to an almost 11 lb. meatball baby boy, and NOBODY told me that labor would feel like a station wagon is sitting on your rectum and oh yeah, epidurals do nothing for that shit. I remember thinking, " If only I could poop, I would feel sooo much better." Then I got a whiff of something, and saw the nurse fold up the paper underneath me and carry it away. Embarrassed? Hell no! More like in tears because I still had a station wagon sitting on my rectum. You know those bitches that think God is a woman? They don't know shit.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by theginabean on Thu Mar 29, 2012 at 8:59 pm
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Report Thu Mar 29, 2012 - 8:58 pmOh! My! Goodness! I can't tell you how hard I laughed at this! (Maybe it's because I've never been in labor? Pooping whilst giving birth is now a new very real fear! I just developed it!) Awesome post.Reply
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Fri Mar 9, 2012 - 12:06 am
Talk about laughing my ass off. OHMOG. As the product of eyetalians and in spite of the fact that I am a childless person of the male persuasion, I somehow relate to this. First, the fact that you were offered sausage and peppers post waterbreaking and knowing full well that the reward of the taste would so outweigh any costs down the road that you chowed down on 2 helpings is impressive enuff. But combine that with the fact that you were able to turn that into retribution is damn near Sciciliana of you. Who says revenge is a plate best served cold...Reply -
2 replies, Last reply by Derpett on Wed Mar 21, 2012 at 4:36 pm
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Tue Mar 6, 2012 - 10:14 pm
Well fer cryin' out loud, they do tell you to push as if you're having the biggest BM of your life. What else can they expect? (It is embarrassing though.)Reply -
6 replies, Last reply by joe on Wed Mar 21, 2012 at 4:31 pm
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Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 9:25 amTHIS was what I feared during my first pregnancy...this and giving birth to an ugly child and either knowing it or being the only one who didn't know...most mothers worry about their newborn's health, and I worried about shitting and ugly babies...thank God I ended up worrying for nothing...hate that it happened to you, but I still laughed hysterically at your pain!Reply
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2 replies, Last reply by joe on Wed Mar 21, 2012 at 4:28 pm
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Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 4:57 pm
"What is seen can never be unseen" A quote from a friend of mine, arguing the case for men's freedom to choose whether to be in the delivery suite. At least you weren't with midwifes adamant cleaning up poop is the husband's job. i've heard of some.Reply -
2 replies, Last reply by joe on Wed Mar 21, 2012 at 4:27 pm
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Tue Mar 6, 2012 - 4:07 pm
Oh dear God! That was tres amusant indeed. Oh dear God - what a mother fucking nightmare indeed.Reply -
2 replies, Last reply by joe on Wed Mar 21, 2012 at 4:24 pm
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Report Tue Mar 6, 2012 - 10:14 pmJesus, Mary and Joseph! I almost sh** my pants reading this!Reply
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2 replies, Last reply by HouseTalkN on Tue Mar 13, 2012 at 8:20 am
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Report Fri Mar 9, 2012 - 8:37 pmIt is too late for you, way too late, but two words from an insider in the know: Fleets Enema. At home. In privacy. In a toilet. From Ellen, making the world a better place, one comment at a time.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Mon Mar 12, 2012 at 4:19 pm
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Report Tue Mar 6, 2012 - 9:25 pmOmgosh, laughing so hard my stomach hurts and I am crying. Good thing I am home alone, but this may be another I have to print out for DH to read. I have my own stories (first almost 10 pounder who rips me all the way to my asshole, 2nd breech yes you heard me breech that I birthed vaginally, getting cut all the way to my asshole, and finally my third the perfect birth you see on TV according to DH anyway, I was wondering why the baby wasn't coming out faster, apparently I also prophesied it was a girl when the head came out). Yes good times thanks for reminding me.Reply
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2 replies, Last reply by Allysgrandma on Wed Mar 7, 2012 at 10:56 pm
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Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 8:46 pm"Bless his heart for having to see that and still wanting to have sex with me all these years later. " That is why they close their eyes during sex. Because they remember things they might not care to remember. But the testosterone ALWAYS wins...Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Mar 7, 2012 at 10:51 pm
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Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 4:05 amI'm suddenly quite grateful for early-labor-diarrhea-clean-out! By the time I pushed I had NOTHING but baby left. It doesn't make near as funny a story, though.Reply
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5 replies, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Mar 7, 2012 at 10:50 pm
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Report Tue Mar 6, 2012 - 8:00 pmYup. No one told me either.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Mar 7, 2012 at 6:35 pm
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Report Tue Mar 6, 2012 - 8:06 pmIn yet another display of my 'I don't need family' style, I fed myself the offending food while waiting to be dilated enough to be allowed to go to the hospital. Fries with gravy. Awesome. Second time around I had a c-section.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Mar 7, 2012 at 6:35 pm
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Tue Mar 6, 2012 - 9:29 pm
All I can say is...too funny! Love it.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Mar 7, 2012 at 6:33 pm
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Report Tue Mar 6, 2012 - 9:29 pmI can't get over the admission by your husband that you'd been "pooping for a while." Classic. Just awesome. I love your bed-shitting tale. Grazie!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Mar 7, 2012 at 6:33 pm
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Report Tue Mar 6, 2012 - 10:10 pmAwesome! Yeah, seems to be the thing that no one wants to tell you. The nurses act like it didn't happen and just clean it up! I was thinking "I smell poop! What the hell??"Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Mar 7, 2012 at 6:30 pm
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Report Tue Mar 6, 2012 - 10:17 pmIt was infinitely more dignified to be sliced open like a chicken - considering I had done an 'all you can eat' Thai restaurant prior to my water breaking ;)Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Mar 7, 2012 at 6:29 pm
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Report Tue Mar 6, 2012 - 10:49 pmHAHAHAHA... "Unless, of course, you don't mind your b-hole acting like a Play-DOH Fuzzy Pumper Barber Shop extruder while you're pushin." Had me ROFLMAO!! That is the BEST description of the nastiest part of childbirth that they NEVER mention in What to Expect When You are Expecting. At least your husband had the decency to tell you you did it. Mine shocked me with that news about 6 years later. Can you imagine, the poor guy walking around with that horrible secret for a half dozen years? I have to say, if the roles were reversed and I saw him poop on a table, I'd be out in the hall on my cellphone calling a divorce attorney pronto!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Mar 7, 2012 at 6:25 pm
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Tue Mar 6, 2012 - 11:45 pm
Bahaha. OK, I think that's one of the reasons why it was meant to be that I had a C-section with the twins. My hubs can barely go into a bathroom knowing that someone's pooped within a 1/2 hour. If he saw THAT? He would have barfed, then fainted, then never touched me again. Ever.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Mar 7, 2012 at 6:24 pm
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Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 2:04 am
OMG .. laugh?? I nearly did paraplegic puppy you perfected so well in labour (labor!) Most excellent article - totally loved this!Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Mar 7, 2012 at 6:23 pm
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Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 2:46 amI die. I died. I am dead from laughing and shitting myself and then pissing on the kitchen counter because I jumped up onto the counter to find a good place to shit and piss. You slay me.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Mar 7, 2012 at 6:22 pm
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Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 2:56 amOh my. Wow. I am from this day forward replacing all three of my boring-as-hell with yours. Yes, I will tell people, as a matter of fact, I did poop out Italian sausage on the birthing bed all three times, seven years apart.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Mar 7, 2012 at 6:22 pm
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Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 3:49 am
Bless Your Heart! and thanks for sharing! That is the funniest child birth story ever! Now I mean, not then, when it was happening. I bet you got mad at your husband all over again when you wrote this, and he deserves it. SOB.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Mar 7, 2012 at 6:21 pm
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Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 5:31 amIris, I also shit while in labor with my second child. Not a pleasant experience-I was so embarrassed. Then I had the pleasure of being in the delivery room when my first granddaughter was born and my daughter was like a soft serve machine on overdrive. It seemed so unimportant at the time, I had gloves on and just kept wiping it away and flushing it. The nurses and my daughter were grateful for my help. it's kind of funny when you think about it-we are in stirrups with our vulva out for all the world to see while our vagina opens ridiculously wide and we worry about some poop. My son in law was also a patient at the time dealing with an abscessed tooth. Men and their timing.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Mar 7, 2012 at 6:15 pm
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Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 8:36 amTears flowing, can't breathe, barely able to type. But had to say THANK YOU for giving me the biggest laugh of 2012 thus far!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Mar 7, 2012 at 6:12 pm
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Report Tue Mar 6, 2012 - 7:37 pmIf I ever have a boy child I will remember the sausage trick for future daughter-in-laws! (I may or may not be that evil) As it was I was warned about the pooping close to delivery and every time I had to go I thought the baby was coming...good times!Reply
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2 replies, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Mar 7, 2012 at 6:08 pm
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