Mar 06

A full circle sausage moment

Comments (69) by Leslie Marinelli March 06, 2012 - 7:02 AM

I guess I could argue that Italian Sausage was what got me into that whole pregnant situation in the first place. Kind of befitting that it would also be what I remember most about my first labor and delivery twelve years ago.

I had just gotten home from work, and grocery shopping, and pumping my own gas that day. SPLASH! My water broke all over the driveway.

We called my doctor and followed her instructions to get to the hospital right away. (They wanted to make sure I hadn't just pissed myself...as if I didn't know the difference. Sha!)

Several hours of "Shouldn't you buy me flowers first?" invasive exams later, we were sent back home to await my contractions.

That's when the fun really began, because waiting for me at home were my 70-year-old Italian in-laws urging me to eat something...I would need my strength!

They were there to help because my husband had thrown out his back playing 36 straight holes of golf a few weeks earlier and was completely incapacitated.

(Oh, can you hear that? It's the world's smallest violin playing a rousing rendition of the You ASSHOLE! Sonata in F sharp.)

Yeah, you know all those last minute tasks a pregnant lady needs help with, like installing the car seat, putting the crib together, reaching her shoes? None of that shit got done at my house.

In fact, the day I was released from the hospital, my new baby, my labial icepack, and I had to sit on a bench outside for over half an hour while Mr. Back Spasm struggled with the car seat installation. Good times.

My in-laws were actually a Godsend, in spite of the fact that our little California bungalow was much too small for all of us. And by all of us, I mean four adults and the cloud of old man farts that were my ​Father-in-Law's constant companion.

But Mom was extremely helpful around the house and kept us all very well fed. The night I went into labor, she cooked Italian Sausage and Peppers for dinner.

It was delicious. I ate two helpings.

Look, I didn't know!

Life lesson: epidurals and Italian Sausage and Peppers do not good bedfellows make.

Unless, of course, you don't mind your b-hole acting like a Play-DOH Fuzzy Pumper Barber Shop extruder while you're pushing.

About 18 hours later, two nurses lifted my hips and changed the paper under me like I was a paraplegic puppy. I turned to my husband and croaked in my semi-conscious voice: "Oh my God, did I just poop?"

"Yes," he answered with his mouth, his eyes closed tightly against the sight he would never be able to unsee. "Actually, you've been pooping for a while."

Score one for the passive aggressive Italian MIL.

My healthy, albeit cone-headed baby boy emerged with the rest of my dinner shortly thereafter and nothing else really mattered.

My husband, surely exhausted from having to be on his feet and repeatedly remind me to breathe and relax so many times, went home and slept in his own bed and ate his mother's home cooked breakfast the next day.

I figure having to watch me crap myself repeatedly in front of a room full of strangers was the least I could do to even the score.

by Leslie Marinelli March 06, 2012 - 7:02 AM

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Comments (69)

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  • Report Wed Mar 21, 2012 - 9:22 pm
    by  Eva
    As if your words didn't already burn a graphic image into both retinas, you just had to add that picture at the top. I gave birth to an almost 11 lb. meatball baby boy, and NOBODY told me that labor would feel like a station wagon is sitting on your rectum and oh yeah, epidurals do nothing for that shit. I remember thinking, " If only I could poop, I would feel sooo much better." Then I got a whiff of something, and saw the nurse fold up the paper underneath me and carry it away. Embarrassed? Hell no! More like in tears because I still had a station wagon sitting on my rectum. You know those bitches that think God is a woman? They don't know shit.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by theginabean on Thu Mar 29, 2012 at 8:59 pm
  • Report Thu Mar 29, 2012 - 8:59 pm
    @Eva: bwa ha! this comment was as funny as the original post! (once again, i'm not a mother.)
    Reply Delete
  • Report Thu Mar 29, 2012 - 8:58 pm
    Oh! My! Goodness! I can't tell you how hard I laughed at this! (Maybe it's because I've never been in labor? Pooping whilst giving birth is now a new very real fear! I just developed it!) Awesome post.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Fri Mar 9, 2012 - 12:06 am
    by  JohnoMori
    Talk about laughing my ass off. OHMOG. As the product of eyetalians and in spite of the fact that I am a childless person of the male persuasion, I somehow relate to this. First, the fact that you were offered sausage and peppers post waterbreaking and knowing full well that the reward of the taste would so outweigh any costs down the road that you chowed down on 2 helpings is impressive enuff. But combine that with the fact that you were able to turn that into retribution is damn near Sciciliana of you. Who says revenge is a plate best served cold...
    Reply Delete
  • 2 replies, Last reply by Derpett on Wed Mar 21, 2012 at 4:36 pm
  • Report Mon Mar 12, 2012 - 4:20 pm
    @JohnoMori: "OHMOG"!!! I love that. We Eyetalians needs to stick together. Leave the gun, take the cannoli.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Mar 21, 2012 - 4:36 pm
    by  Derpett
    @Leslie Marinelli: :trolldad: have a good time girls! *falls drunk*
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Mar 6, 2012 - 10:14 pm
    by  Toni
    Well fer cryin' out loud, they do tell you to push as if you're having the biggest BM of your life. What else can they expect? (It is embarrassing though.)
    Reply Delete
  • 6 replies, Last reply by joe on Wed Mar 21, 2012 at 4:31 pm
  • Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 1:55 am
    by  Gigi_E
    @Toni : What's a BM? *innocent face*
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  • Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 1:56 am
    @Gigi_E: BM = "bowel movement"
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 4:26 am
    by  Toni
    @Leslie Marinelli: Argh - been in the States too long! I couldn't bring myself to write "shit".
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Mar 21, 2012 - 4:31 pm
    by  joe
    @Toni : ლ(ಠ_ಠლ)WHY!!!!!!!!
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Mar 21, 2012 - 4:30 pm
    by  joe
    @Gigi_E: :pokerface: tee hee :fapfapfap:
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  • Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 6:19 pm
    @Toni : It's true, that's exactly what they say. And that's exactly what I did. I pooped that 8 lb. 5 oz. puppy OUT...eventually...along with some brown friends.
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  • Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 9:25 am
    THIS was what I feared during my first pregnancy...this and giving birth to an ugly child and either knowing it or being the only one who didn't know...most mothers worry about their newborn's health, and I worried about shitting and ugly babies...thank God I ended up worrying for nothing...hate that it happened to you, but I still laughed hysterically at your pain!
    Reply Delete
  • 2 replies, Last reply by joe on Wed Mar 21, 2012 at 4:28 pm
  • Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 6:11 pm
    @Michaela Mitchell: Ugly babies? These exist? I'm such a baby whore that I don't think I've ever seen a baby I couldn't eat up with a spoon. Unless they're crying, then I'm all, "Ew, what's wrong with that pink thing?" Glad you were able to laugh at my pain Michaela! That's my goal in life. :)
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Mar 21, 2012 - 4:28 pm
    by  joe
    @Leslie Marinelli: â—”_â—” what evs
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  • Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 4:57 pm
    "What is seen can never be unseen" A quote from a friend of mine, arguing the case for men's freedom to choose whether to be in the delivery suite. At least you weren't with midwifes adamant cleaning up poop is the husband's job. i've heard of some.
    Reply Delete
  • 2 replies, Last reply by joe on Wed Mar 21, 2012 at 4:27 pm
  • Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 6:06 pm
    @marketingtomilk: Oh God NO! That would probably send my husband over the edge, bless his heart. I'm the poop cleaner in this family.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Mar 21, 2012 - 4:27 pm
    by  joe
    @Leslie Marinelli: :troll: beep yeah ಠ▃ಠ (✌゚∀゚)☞
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Mar 6, 2012 - 4:07 pm
    Oh dear God! That was tres amusant indeed. Oh dear God - what a mother fucking nightmare indeed.
    Reply Delete
  • 2 replies, Last reply by joe on Wed Mar 21, 2012 at 4:24 pm
  • Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 2:02 am
    by  essay
    @Clare Macnaughton: Very nicve!
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Mar 21, 2012 - 4:24 pm
    by  joe
    @essay: ಠ▃ಠ
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Mar 6, 2012 - 10:14 pm
    Jesus, Mary and Joseph! I almost sh** my pants reading this!
    Reply Delete
  • 2 replies, Last reply by HouseTalkN on Tue Mar 13, 2012 at 8:20 am
  • Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 6:30 pm
    @HouseTalkN: Um....yay? I'm taking that as a compliment.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Mar 13, 2012 - 8:20 am
    @Leslie Marinelli: Total YAY! I laughed myself silly!
    Reply Delete
  • Report Fri Mar 9, 2012 - 8:37 pm
    It is too late for you, way too late, but two words from an insider in the know: Fleets Enema. At home. In privacy. In a toilet. From Ellen, making the world a better place, one comment at a time.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Leslie Marinelli on Mon Mar 12, 2012 at 4:19 pm
  • Report Mon Mar 12, 2012 - 4:19 pm
    @Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms: Thanks Ellen! I did figure that out for childbirths # 2 and # 3, which were much more pleasant affairs for everyone.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Mar 6, 2012 - 9:25 pm
    Omgosh, laughing so hard my stomach hurts and I am crying. Good thing I am home alone, but this may be another I have to print out for DH to read. I have my own stories (first almost 10 pounder who rips me all the way to my asshole, 2nd breech yes you heard me breech that I birthed vaginally, getting cut all the way to my asshole, and finally my third the perfect birth you see on TV according to DH anyway, I was wondering why the baby wasn't coming out faster, apparently I also prophesied it was a girl when the head came out). Yes good times thanks for reminding me.
    Reply Delete
  • 2 replies, Last reply by Allysgrandma on Wed Mar 7, 2012 at 10:56 pm
  • Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 6:34 pm
    @Allysgrandma: I love it when you say "asshole" in your comments. It's such shocking language for a grandmother...and I like that.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 10:56 pm
    @Leslie Marinelli: Oh honey, bless your heart.....you obviously need to meet me in person. Oh and yes I had the diarrhea too, lucky me, but I still managed to poop out a bit on the last go round. Oh and my hairy man also had to give me enemas after the births because I got so stopped up on the diet they put me on (pureed everything) so I would not poop until I was healed up "down in my lady parts". He also held a lamp (without the shade) down there to help me heal first time (I kept yelling at him to quit watching TV and watch what he was doing). Poor boy, he was only 20 at the time!
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 8:46 pm
    by  Joanne B.
    "Bless his heart for having to see that and still wanting to have sex with me all these years later. " That is why they close their eyes during sex. Because they remember things they might not care to remember. But the testosterone ALWAYS wins...
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Leslie Marinelli on Wed Mar 7, 2012 at 10:51 pm
  • Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 10:51 pm
    @Joanne B.: OMG, I think you're right. We close our eyes to envision someone else, and they close their eyes so they don't remember us pooping on the table.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 4:05 am
    by  Susan
    I'm suddenly quite grateful for early-labor-diarrhea-clean-out! By the time I pushed I had NOTHING but baby left. It doesn't make near as funny a story, though.
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  • 5 replies, Last reply by Leslie Marinelli on Wed Mar 7, 2012 at 10:50 pm
  • Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 4:27 am
    by  Toni
    @Susan: I actually asked for an enema on my last go round. The nurses casually waved me away saying "Oh we don't worry about that sort of thing these days". Yeah, but we do! (Didn't get one BTW.)
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 6:17 pm
    @Toni : I was SO poop-obsessed for my second labor/delivery that I started doing enemas the MINUTE I had my first contraction. Only, I had gained 70 pounds and couldn't reach my own arse. So guess who was Johnny on the spot? And by Johnny I mean my husband, and by spot, I mean my b-hole.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 8:45 pm
    @Leslie Marinelli: LMAO. Just spat my tea out. Oh no you di'int, girl!
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 10:50 pm
    @tonihargis@msn.com: Oh yes I did. And so did he. BOTTOMS UP!
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 6:18 pm
    @Susan: DAMN IT! Why can't I never get diarrhea when I need it? LIke before labor, or when I'm supposed to go on a girl scout camp out?
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Mar 6, 2012 - 8:00 pm
    by  Megan
    Yup. No one told me either.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Leslie Marinelli on Wed Mar 7, 2012 at 6:35 pm
  • Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 6:35 pm
    @Megan: They probably don't tell us because they know we might not agree to breed!
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Mar 6, 2012 - 8:06 pm
    by  Jen
    In yet another display of my 'I don't need family' style, I fed myself the offending food while waiting to be dilated enough to be allowed to go to the hospital. Fries with gravy. Awesome. Second time around I had a c-section.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Leslie Marinelli on Wed Mar 7, 2012 at 6:35 pm
  • Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 6:35 pm
    @Jen: Oh lawdy lawd, I bet fries with gravy made for an awesome pre-game show!
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  • Report Tue Mar 6, 2012 - 9:29 pm
    All I can say is...too funny! Love it.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Leslie Marinelli on Wed Mar 7, 2012 at 6:33 pm
  • Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 6:33 pm
    @Janie Emaus: Thanks Janie!
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Mar 6, 2012 - 9:29 pm
    by  Ninja Mom
    I can't get over the admission by your husband that you'd been "pooping for a while." Classic. Just awesome. I love your bed-shitting tale. Grazie!
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Leslie Marinelli on Wed Mar 7, 2012 at 6:33 pm
  • Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 6:33 pm
    @Ninja Mom: Truly - that may have been more humiliating than having my paper changed underneath me. Bless his heart for having to see that and still wanting to have sex with me all these years later.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Mar 6, 2012 - 10:10 pm
    by  MamaMe
    Awesome! Yeah, seems to be the thing that no one wants to tell you. The nurses act like it didn't happen and just clean it up! I was thinking "I smell poop! What the hell??"
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  • 1 reply, Last reply by Leslie Marinelli on Wed Mar 7, 2012 at 6:30 pm
  • Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 6:30 pm
    @MamaMe: THANK GOD FOR GOOD NURSES!!!
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  • Report Tue Mar 6, 2012 - 10:17 pm
    It was infinitely more dignified to be sliced open like a chicken - considering I had done an 'all you can eat' Thai restaurant prior to my water breaking ;)
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  • 1 reply, Last reply by Leslie Marinelli on Wed Mar 7, 2012 at 6:29 pm
  • Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 6:29 pm
    @By Word of Mouth Musings: Mmmmm, Thai food. Yeah, you make that c-section thing sound pretty appealing. But can you shop lift a thanksgiving turkey in your labia like I can now? No, I didn't think so.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Mar 6, 2012 - 10:49 pm
    HAHAHAHA... "Unless, of course, you don't mind your b-hole acting like a Play-DOH Fuzzy Pumper Barber Shop extruder while you're pushin." Had me ROFLMAO!! That is the BEST description of the nastiest part of childbirth that they NEVER mention in What to Expect When You are Expecting. At least your husband had the decency to tell you you did it. Mine shocked me with that news about 6 years later. Can you imagine, the poor guy walking around with that horrible secret for a half dozen years? I have to say, if the roles were reversed and I saw him poop on a table, I'd be out in the hall on my cellphone calling a divorce attorney pronto!
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Leslie Marinelli on Wed Mar 7, 2012 at 6:25 pm
  • Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 6:25 pm
    @Tracy Beckerman: Preach it, sister. I do NOT like to see poop in action. But I think having to watch us strain and be so utterly humiliated is important for the future guilt trips we can lay on the husbands later.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Mar 6, 2012 - 11:45 pm
    Bahaha. OK, I think that's one of the reasons why it was meant to be that I had a C-section with the twins. My hubs can barely go into a bathroom knowing that someone's pooped within a 1/2 hour. If he saw THAT? He would have barfed, then fainted, then never touched me again. Ever.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Leslie Marinelli on Wed Mar 7, 2012 at 6:24 pm
  • Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 6:24 pm
    @Lady Estrogen: WORD. And as an extra bonus, you probably still have a nice tight little twat too. Mine's so big it makes a whistling sound when there's a strong breeze.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 2:04 am
    by  FionaB
    OMG .. laugh?? I nearly did paraplegic puppy you perfected so well in labour (labor!) Most excellent article - totally loved this!
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Leslie Marinelli on Wed Mar 7, 2012 at 6:23 pm
  • Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 6:23 pm
    @FionaB: Thank you Fiona! Glad to be of service.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 2:46 am
    by  Jen
    I die. I died. I am dead from laughing and shitting myself and then pissing on the kitchen counter because I jumped up onto the counter to find a good place to shit and piss. You slay me.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Leslie Marinelli on Wed Mar 7, 2012 at 6:22 pm
  • Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 6:22 pm
    @Jen: Oh honey, up on the kitchen counter?! Impressive! Thanks!
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 2:56 am
    by  Erica M
    Oh my. Wow. I am from this day forward replacing all three of my boring-as-hell with yours. Yes, I will tell people, as a matter of fact, I did poop out Italian sausage on the birthing bed all three times, seven years apart.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Leslie Marinelli on Wed Mar 7, 2012 at 6:22 pm
  • Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 6:22 pm
    @Erica M: Well I guess we know how YOU and Q dealt with the "7 year itch." Hahaha!
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 3:49 am
    by  lhewitt
    Bless Your Heart! and thanks for sharing! That is the funniest child birth story ever! Now I mean, not then, when it was happening. I bet you got mad at your husband all over again when you wrote this, and he deserves it. SOB.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Leslie Marinelli on Wed Mar 7, 2012 at 6:21 pm
  • Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 6:21 pm
    @lhewitt: I totally was mad all over again! They have NO idea how hard it is. It's clear to me why God designed women to carry and deliver the babies though. We rock. And we have a much higher pain threshold.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 5:31 am
    by  Peg D
    Iris, I also shit while in labor with my second child. Not a pleasant experience-I was so embarrassed. Then I had the pleasure of being in the delivery room when my first granddaughter was born and my daughter was like a soft serve machine on overdrive. It seemed so unimportant at the time, I had gloves on and just kept wiping it away and flushing it. The nurses and my daughter were grateful for my help. it's kind of funny when you think about it-we are in stirrups with our vulva out for all the world to see while our vagina opens ridiculously wide and we worry about some poop. My son in law was also a patient at the time dealing with an abscessed tooth. Men and their timing.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Leslie Marinelli on Wed Mar 7, 2012 at 6:15 pm
  • Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 6:15 pm
    @Peg D: Oh my gosh, Peg. That is SO sweet - what an awesome mother you are to be there wiping your daughter's butt during such a life-changing moment. I'm totally choking up over here thinking about it. So full circle! You wiped her bottom when she was an infant, and then you helped her bring her own daughter into the world. Seriously, signing off to go have a good cry. Thank you so much for sharing!
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 8:36 am
    by  Lisa
    Tears flowing, can't breathe, barely able to type. But had to say THANK YOU for giving me the biggest laugh of 2012 thus far!
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Leslie Marinelli on Wed Mar 7, 2012 at 6:12 pm
  • Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 6:12 pm
    @Lisa: Mom? Is that you? (Shhh. Mums the word. But great job on the comment! I think I'm going to ask for that raise now.) ;)
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Mar 6, 2012 - 7:37 pm
    by  Brianne
    If I ever have a boy child I will remember the sausage trick for future daughter-in-laws! (I may or may not be that evil) As it was I was warned about the pooping close to delivery and every time I had to go I thought the baby was coming...good times!
    Reply Delete
  • 2 replies, Last reply by Leslie Marinelli on Wed Mar 7, 2012 at 6:08 pm
  • Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 2:54 pm
    @Brianne: agree with you
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Mar 7, 2012 - 6:08 pm
    @Brianne: HAHA! Oh no you di-int! Yes, that is certainly a slick trick for any MIL, mark my words. The other thing you absolutely MUST do is hate every gift your daughter in laws give you. That is a sure fire way to piss them off.
    Reply Delete

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