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Putting sex into uniforms
by Dear Regular Guy,
Why do all men in uniform not look like Richard Gere? Surely this should be part of the entry requirement?
Sincerely, Debra Winger*
Dear Debra,
One of the most inconvenient facts of life is just that - a fact.
Reality has a lot to answer for. Or maybe it isn't reality at fault at all, but fantasy. Hollywood and the rest of the dream-selling media have created a myth that men are sexy. Women have fallen for this hook, line and sinker.
A uniform might help a little, but it's a disguise that Velma would see through in seconds. Put a chubby, chinless, sweaty & balding man in a fireman's uniform and what you get is a chubby, chinless, sweaty & balding fireman.
It's not just firemen though is it? Trainee jet pilots, soldiers, policemen and traffic wardens all get the same reaction - actually, has anyone ever had a sexy male traffic warden fantasy? Wherever there is a title for the job that you do that comes with an image of vague ruggedness, heroism and a hint of a uniform , there are women sat sucking on their pens and brushing their hair back with flushed faces. Even a car mechanic - and car mechanics are the least sexy people to walk the planet in real life - can get hearts racing by the time Athena have stuck a couple of truck tyres into his hands and told him to tie his oily dungarees around his waist. In real life he would be sucking air through his teeth, charging you double based on the fact that you are a woman and then farting loudly as he stares at your tits. Still sexy?
So what is it? Why do you love uniforms so much?
Because they make it okay for you to letch at the body that's inside them, that's why. Years of fighting against the objectification of women and revolt at the idealism offered by the media has presented you with a dilemma. How do you drool over the model with the muscly back, pert buttocks and a washboard stomach without seeming hypocritical?
You give him a back story - that's how. He isn't just an airbrushed body at all; he's a damned hero! This guy could carry you out of a burning house or a no-hope job on the factory floor with just one of his big strong hands. He has a mind; he has a heart. HE IS ABSOLUTELY NOT JUST A PIECE OF MEAT!
It's the uniform you like not the hairy man chest. It's the power you like not the hipbone.
And yet deep in your hearts you know you just can't take your eyes off his shoulders.
Sadly for you, underneath the uniform they are actually just men like me. I spent 11 years in a uniform and never once got a phone call from Athena, nor carried anyone out of a factory to applause. I did walk the length of a train completely naked to applause once though.
No I don't mean applause do I? Laughter. That was it.
* We can't confirm whether this is the actual Debra Winger, but y' know it just might be...
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Comments (9)
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Report Fri Feb 24, 2012 - 10:56 pmHmmm...interesting theory. I rather think we can objectify nicely sans the uniform, but okay, if you insist. Perhaps part of it is that most uniformed guys are required by the construct of their occupations, to stay in reasonable shape AND many are in the helping professions. Yes--there are some, nay many, women who can objectify, but (sadly for men) most ladies actually do prefer to have some semblance of a relationship before leaping into the sack. We do have eyes, however, and can appreciate a handsome male figure. It is the guy who can manage to put some heart behind those biceps that'll get us every time. Christine London christinelondon "dot" comReply -
2 replies, Last reply by Christine London on Sat Feb 25, 2012 at 11:44 pm
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Report Fri Feb 24, 2012 - 12:34 pmOkay I need to hear more about that naked train episode. Next post should cover all the details. (women are just letches!)Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Regular Guy UK on Fri Feb 24, 2012 at 2:23 pm
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Tue Feb 14, 2012 - 10:55 pm
Oooh, well done Glen. I always wondered why I never did well with the ladies. Oh, I could see them staring at me with objectification in their eyes, sin in their hearts and lust everywhere else. But I never could get them to act on it unless I had enough in the wallet to get them pie-eyed drunk and then, oh yes, they were putty in my hands. And now I find out, had I only stolen a uniform from one of my brothers (cops and firemen, the lot of them), I would have been able to save the kerching spent on cheap alcohol and the same women would have been able to escape their inhibitions and the sexual double-standards society laid at their feet and they would have mauled me like a pack of hyaenas on the rotting carcass of a wilder-beast. Although your column is some 20 years too late, it does heal a lot of my early dating traumas. Bless you my boy. Bless you.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Regular Guy UK on Wed Feb 15, 2012 at 7:01 am
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Wed Feb 15, 2012 - 2:33 am
And may I ask why were naked in the train?Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Regular Guy UK on Wed Feb 15, 2012 at 6:59 am
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