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Have a gas this Valentine's Day
So it's Valentine's Day.
Ladies, are you expecting something fabulous from your True Love tonight?
I am not.
And sadly, I brought it on myself.
Once upon a time, I made the grievous mistake of telling my (then) boyfriend that I didn't care about over-commercialized holidays like Valentine's Day.
That was back in the day when we were first dating and I wanted to dazzle him with an "I'm low-maintenance" carrot on a stick.
In the immortal words of famous hooker-turned-fairy princess Vivian Ward (as played by Julia Roberts) in Pretty Woman... "Mistake. Big mistake."
Of course, that was years before we got married and I magically morphed into an invisible vessel for grandchildren and PTA donations. These days I'm about one tequila shot away from headlining an episode of Middle Aged Attention Seeking Women Gone Wild. And frankly, tequila or not, the fear of stepping on one of my own breasts is greater than the potential thrill of letting it all hang out for funsies.
Yes, here we are, 17 blissful years later, and last year for Valentine's Day instead of a romantic candlelit dinner out, we made homemade bean burritos and then fell asleep on the couch farting in our Snuggies while watching You Don't Mess with The Zohan.
Totally not my husband's fault, mind you.
I'm the one who continues to say things like, "No, let's stay in and save our money," or "All I want for my birthday is a new vacuum," or "Hon? Would you please stop on the way home and pick me up a couple of Fleet enemas?"
I mean, really. Is it any wonder my Valentines Days aren't more romantic?
Obviously I can't turn back time, and I
don't know if I would anyway. I mean, what was I supposed to do, be honest and
say, "Oh, you like cheese? Me too! Oh my God! We are meant to be! And speaking
of the next 50 Valentine's Days, I don't really care for store bought cards,
Adam Sandler movies, or being on the giving end of 68s."
You know as well as I do that my little low-maintenance façade worked like a charm.
(Try it, single friends...it's money in the bank.)
But now what? The poor man has watched me push three nearly-10-pound babes out of my goody-bag. Is it too late for us to add some mystery and romance back into our relationship?
Yeah. Probably.
Alrighty then. Refried beans, a chorus of divine wind, and I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry it is. Happy Valentine’s Day, honey. At least with the money we'll save on dinner, we can buy some roses to freshen up the joint.
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Comments (31)
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Report Thu Feb 16, 2012 - 5:27 pmA chorus of divine wind. I know this song well. I also know the 'let's stay in' line, it's on repeat a lot. I'm OK with that. 10 years of marriage, I'd rather get 'romantical' gifts on a random day in June.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Thu Feb 16, 2012 at 11:03 pm
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Report Wed Feb 15, 2012 - 11:32 pmI told my husband the bean burritos he brought home last night are the gift that keeps on giving. And then I sent two more in his lunch. NO SEXY TIME TONIGHT!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Thu Feb 16, 2012 at 11:02 pm
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Tue Feb 14, 2012 - 8:13 pm
Oh my dear, dear Iris - just fuck valentine's day. Everybody gets the shitty end of the stick on this particular "holiday"(?) . My man BETTER NOT waster our money on overpriced, half-dead flowers, half-ass, what-the-hell-is-this chocolate, poster-size, music playing, bull-shit cards, stuffed animal things (WTF - I'm grown), make me wait 2 hour in a crowed resturant for luke warm, generic, for-lovers-only, insert stupidly named "for-lovers-only" food item here. Anyway, your valentine sounds just fine (and hilarious) to me unless you want some half-dead, over-priced flowers, then just tell the man you changed your mind. Damn, it has been 17 years, a girl is entitled. My husband and I just exchange cards and bodily fluids.Reply -
3 replies, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Thu Feb 16, 2012 at 11:02 pm
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Report Thu Feb 16, 2012 - 4:24 amYes, but you'll always have the memories...and the smell...and honestly, it sounds like my kind of night!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Thu Feb 16, 2012 at 1:07 pm
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Tue Feb 14, 2012 - 8:31 pm
Where do we have tshirts made? Or maybe just some engraved wine glasses.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Feb 15, 2012 at 11:04 pm
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Tue Feb 14, 2012 - 9:32 pm
I gave him the opportunity by completely ignoring it this morning then sending him a text message that said "red or black?" and that reminded him he'd damn well BETTER bring me something, because I am JUST THAT SHALLOW. I'm also fixing one of his favorites for supper and sending the 12 yr old to bed early. Forget this "I don't need anything" low maintenance baloney. The man runs a 500 employee business. He'd better do a bit of maintenance.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Feb 15, 2012 at 11:01 pm
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Report Wed Feb 15, 2012 - 12:15 amAs long as you don't conscientiously drop a deuce in front of your husband, your mystery remain intact. At least, that's what I tell myself when I close the bathroom door each time.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Feb 15, 2012 at 11:00 pm
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Report Wed Feb 15, 2012 - 1:28 amIt's like we're long-lost sisters or something. I don't often say this because I consider myself a pretty kick-ass blog commenter and, well, I think it sounds trite and cliche, but... I could have written this. Like, word-for-word. So... how's Mom? Tell her to send money.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Feb 15, 2012 at 10:59 pm
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Report Tue Feb 14, 2012 - 5:11 pmBahahhaaa....I told my DH not to bring home flowers either because they are too expensive! That's okay, I get to buy all the fabric I want. I did get a new bedspread for the bed this year, but since walking on the treadmill yesterday at 6 incline in 3 minute intervals, my hips are "not lying" today. I can barely move!Reply
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2 replies, Last reply by Allysgrandma on Wed Feb 15, 2012 at 6:03 am
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Report Tue Feb 14, 2012 - 4:17 pmI would really like to dance the rhumba with my studmuffin Luke but that will not happen. It appears I am too OLD. As if! As for gas, well I have four stomachs and eat hay all day so it is inevitable. I try and save it for the publicist at just the right time to make up for those old comments.... The publicist says that since her anniversary is 2/20 Valentine's Day gets lost in the mix.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Feb 14, 2012 at 11:13 pm
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Report Tue Feb 14, 2012 - 4:09 pmHilarious! I got the "your dozen roses and 10 boxes of chocolates will be delivered to your office" - followed by hysterical laughter as my husband laughed at his own joke. Ah, marriage. Maybe I'll make beans for dinner tonight :)Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Feb 14, 2012 at 11:12 pm
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Report Tue Feb 14, 2012 - 3:59 pmWhoa. You got Fleet enemas? Totally jealous! All I got was a "You didn't get me anything, either - right?" as he left for work this morning. Sad to say, but I fell into the same "I don't celebrate Valentine's Day" trap years ago, and it's too late to backtrack. It is NOT too late, however, to open a can of beans and rock dinner tonight. You are SO inspirational, Iris.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Feb 14, 2012 at 11:11 pm
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Tue Feb 14, 2012 - 3:15 pm
LOL! We don't do much either.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Feb 14, 2012 at 11:10 pm
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Report Tue Feb 14, 2012 - 10:45 amThis is your best post ever. Love it. Happy co-farting in your Snuggies day xReply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Feb 14, 2012 at 11:09 pm
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