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Mums who break promises
Is breaking a promise an inevitable aspect of being a parent, or is there a special place reserved in hell for mothers who break their promises?
I'm not talking about superficial, unimportant promises, like: ‘If you you eat all your broccoli you can have a treat for pudding', whereupon they procrastinate over said vegetable for so long that the treat gets forgotten as everyone slowly loses the will to live, never mind to hunt for something in the cupboards that could feasibly be passed off as vaguely falling into the ‘treat' category.
No, I'm talking about those big, impassioned promises you make in something of a hasty flourish, at a moment when it seems as though you'll never actually be called upon to make good on it. The sort of promise which later comes back to bite you on the proverbial behind - the kind of broken promise you know your child will never forget.
My beloved firstborn child has wanted a dog for as long as I can remember, and when he was three years old he begged to be allowed a pet puppy.
I look back on my response and wonder what I was thinking, because I promised that he could have a puppy when he was seven.
I can only assume that my mind was so utterly addled by juggling a toddler and a baby that I didn't pause for long enough to register that turning seven is not some mythical moment in the misty future that might or might not come to pass. All being well, turning seven is a fairly inevitable milestone, and from that point on it was forever fixed on the horizon of his mind; immovable.
At the time, the very thought of my pudgy-cheeked, chatty toddler ever becoming a strapping seven year old seemed ridiculous; impossible. It wasn't a rational, measured promise, made on the basis of carefully-calculated analysis and parental discussion - it was an off-the-cuff remark made by a sleep-deprived mother, probably desperate to distract her irrepressible compadre for long enough to have a pee in peace or reheat a stone-cold cup of tea.
But later this month that puppy-loving toddler turns seven years old.
I am torn between finding the most creative way of breaking my ill-considered promise (the fact that the Man of the House is allergic to dog hair is uppermost in my mind as I clutch desperately at straws and try to find a reason to renege on it) and a rose-tinted image I can't quite shift of the sight of my kid's face as we hand him a gift-wrapped, bow-bedecked puppy on the morning of his birthday.
So tell me, is breaking a promise akin to lying or breaking your child's heart, or is letting a child down gently part of preparing them for life in a big, bad world full of heartbreak and disappointment?
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Comments (21)
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Report Fri May 4, 2012 - 3:09 pmDon't know why I suddenly thought about this, but I did.... What happened? Did he get the dog?!Reply -
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Thu Jan 12, 2012 - 8:02 am
Oh christ, guess what i told my son yesterday. "you can have a dog when you're seven". I thnk somehow you think either a) he'll never be 7 or b) he'll have forgotten it by then, but they're llike bloody elephants. M2MReply -
1 reply, Last reply by Heidi_Scrimgeour on Thu Jan 12, 2012 at 10:40 am
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Report Mon Jan 9, 2012 - 7:49 pmOh my goodness! I feel your pain! But I also think they're right: you can't go back on this one, not if he's spent the last four years relying on your word... A friend of my parents still tells the heartbreaking story of the moment (a good thirty years ago) that she first let her daughter down properly, and from the way she describes it, you want to put that off as long as possible. That said, I definitely definitely think you should try before you buy. Because it's not just who has to walk it that you need to deal with. There's the house training (and the clearing up with inside out nappy bags even after it's reliably sparing your carpets (or wooden floors - on which front they're all very well until it gets into the gaps... sorry, but I've been there.). There's what happens when it gets a stomach upset (it will) or rolls in something unpleasant (it will), or frightens your best friends' kids (it will)... And what about holidays? When you have your blessed two weeks away, or go to granny's, then what happens to the puppy??? You can tell I've thought abou t this, can't you? I'm sure if you talked to your son about it: "I promised you could have a dog when you were seven, and I'm going to keep that promise, but I want you to be very sure you really want a dog because...." he'd say he'd do it all, but he's seven and he won't... So borrow one. Find a friend who's going away and take theirs - they'll bite your hand off (pun intended) and let him see. Do it several times... and if he still wants one, then I think you probably need to research allergies (my money (and heart) are on a cockerpoo - silly name but oh so gorgeous). Good luck. Sorry so long!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Heidi_Scrimgeour on Tue Jan 10, 2012 at 10:35 pm
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Report Tue Jan 10, 2012 - 3:35 amYou're right - I think the big, bad world will be full of disappointments, and I hope you are the one helping him deal with the unreliable outside world, whilst being his steadfast rock of trustworthiness...sorry for the judgement, but even though I am struggling with the dog issue myself, it's kind of heartbreaking to think of the way breaking this promise will change the way your little boy sees you. If you keep your promise, you not only show him that you are trustworthy, reliable, truthful etc but teach him a huge beneficial lesson in delayed gratification, waiting for the things that are worth it. And I think some kids have much more of a yearning for pets than others. I was born with a burning desire to have a cat and was asking for one from the time I can remember. I got a kitten when I was seven and I have the most precious memories and emotions - the joy of knowing that when school finished for the day she was waiting for me, waking up in the morning and racing out to our verandah to cuddle her. Those feelings never disappated. I loved her with all my heart and she enriched my young life immeasurably. Good luck.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Heidi_Scrimgeour on Tue Jan 10, 2012 at 10:33 pm
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Mon Jan 9, 2012 - 10:01 pm
I think you need to talk it through with him and see how it plays out. It's not about breaking a promise and more about looking after a dog. You need to want a dog so only do it if you are committed to the hound. How you handle the situation is more important than the outcome.Reply -
3 replies, Last reply by Heidi_Scrimgeour on Tue Jan 10, 2012 at 10:33 pm
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Report Mon Jan 9, 2012 - 7:29 pmYou absolutely can't reneage on your promise! That was an all out, in the future, certainty, that he has been depending on for 4 years! I am however slighly biased, we have been looking after my brother's pup for the odd weekend and she is absolutely adorable - I was always a 'cat' person but she has changed my mind forever, Apart from the wonderful greeting you are guaranteed to encounter every time you come in the door, plus the amazing exhileration of walks (yes in the rain and cold too) - I don't think you'll regret it. So bite the bullet , get wood floors , sod the husband and get the puppy (I'm sure he'll grow out of his allergy) ;) Ours is coming this christmas ;0)Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Heidi_Scrimgeour on Mon Jan 9, 2012 at 9:58 pm
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Report Mon Jan 9, 2012 - 7:31 pmYes, how is it that children remember promises made four years ago, yet have to be reminded Every Frickin' Morning to put on shoes???? On the dog front, I'm allergic too, but discovered the delights of hypoallergenic breeds: bichon frise and coton de tulear are two excellent breeds (from reputable breeders, of course) - sweet natured, not too large and companionable. I absolutely love our dog (much to my - and everyone else's - surprise), and can't now imagine life without him. Do you have any dog-owning friends? You could do a trial 'dog sitting' session when they go on holiday and see how that goes...Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Heidi_Scrimgeour on Mon Jan 9, 2012 at 9:57 pm
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Report Mon Jan 9, 2012 - 7:44 pmThere is no way, that you can not keep this promise. I know what Iīm talking about, I made almost the same promise to my daughter when she was three years old. eager to ending those repeted questions for a dog I told her: you get one when you start school, which is, in germany, at the age of six to seven. And as you mention, saying this to a toddler seems like it is never going to happen in this life that is nothing but feeding, diaper-changing and playingground afternoons. When her first schooldays approached I thought about 100 reasons how to get out of this promise. Just that none of them seemed to be good enough to desillusionate her who was awaiting her puppy for almost four years. so finally we bought the puppy and still today (she turms 14 in some weeks!) she tells me, she never got a more precious present in her lifetime (and believe me, there WERE very nice presents in the meantime...) and still today, there are moments that I wish we didnīt have this dog. But having sticked to my promise still makes me very happy!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Heidi_Scrimgeour on Mon Jan 9, 2012 at 9:56 pm
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Report Mon Jan 9, 2012 - 4:46 pmMy sister-in-law has a slight allergy to fur but her boys went on at her for ages for a dog and she did a lot of research. She is now the proud owner of Poddy the Puggle - he's a cross between a Poodle and a Pug and my oh my is he a little bundle of cuteness! And he's (apparently) ideal for allergy sufferers. I wish you luck with your decision and must say, our dog Troy has changed our family life for the better...xReply
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1 reply, Last reply by Heidi_Scrimgeour on Mon Jan 9, 2012 at 7:09 pm
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Report Mon Jan 9, 2012 - 12:41 pmSo you made this promise when your son was 3, and he's remembered it all this time? 3 years to 7 years is like decades for older folks. I think that this is one promise you're stuck with! What sort of allergy does your husband have? Is it to the proteins in the dog's fluids (like salivia etc) or is it to the mites on the hairs? If it is to the mites, then he'll build up a resistance - at least my other half did when we had a cat take over our lives (a kitten who just turned up in our garden one day and decided he lived with us whether we wanted him to or not).Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Heidi_Scrimgeour on Mon Jan 9, 2012 at 12:52 pm
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