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Feminism is not a dirty word
Last year, I was interviewed on the radio and the male presenter didn't like me. I think it was when I said that Stay-At-Home Mums (SAHM) were very brave to put their eggs in one basket in the face of human fallibility. He said that I didn't have much faith in man-kind, and I replied that it wasn't that I was anti-men, but more that I was pragmatic about the institution of marriage and male fidelity.
I love men. They are my most favourite toys (joking!). I love their company and I love their conversation. I need men in my life and think they are the ying to the yang of life's balance. When I was studying for my A-levels, my extended essay was based on an analysis of Collette Dowling's, The Cinderella Complex and The Wife of Bath. The essay centred on the idea that since the earliest days of the written word women ultimately fear independence, and have an unconscious desire to be looked after by others. I think the debate triggered last year by the Daily Mail which I discussed in my The Domestic Goddess Is A Feminist blog is central to this continuing battle that women fight internally with. This is their need to be protected so they can in turn nurture their children. I don't think that these needs are unreasonable; but the evolution of the educated woman has meant that we now have the opportunity to taste knowledge and freedom, before we become incarcerated by marriage and children. Independence, education and income are very empowering and once you have enjoyed the fruits of all three, it can very hard to hand over the power cards, unless of course you have the yearning to be looked after by another. Sometimes I want that too. Who wouldn't want that comfort? But for me, when I take from the carer, or breadwinner, the price is too high to give, and I want the freedom to make my own decisions in their entirety back.
My issue is not that SAHM and the working mum are either right or wrong, but that this debate pitches women against each other when we should support each other, our choices and our right to have these choices. I am not anti-men, but at the same time I am realistic about their failings. Nobody is perfect. This is not about perfection. I know men. I know what they are like. They are programmed differently to women and as a gender they are more united than us - this is their strength.
Only when women learn to accept our differences and look out for each other's interests, even if we don't agree with each other's choices, will we be able to re-align the balance of equality that is still lacking in our society. This is the basis of feminism that I embrace. Feminism is not a dirty word - it is a form of solidarity. We just need to stop tripping each other up and unite.
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Comments (8)
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Wed Feb 8, 2012 - 9:03 am
This post has really sat with me for a while - thought you'd like to know. I certainly was one of the typical women wanting to be looked after, and then changed. But the rather romantic concept of having just one thing or one person to be always there for you has been a difficult one to shake. I've written about it on my blog today - I think it will be very helpful for me to write a bit more and get rid of it once and for all!Reply -
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Mon Jan 30, 2012 - 2:20 pm
I have a problem with the phrase "we become incarcerated by marriage and children". I think that points to a fundamental difference of opinion about marriage. I don't feel incarcerated (I've been married 25 years, and been a SAHM for 24), because I am not staying home to nurture the children. I stay home to run the other half of a partnership/business called my household. He earns the income, I do the tending to business that happens to involve taking care of children, and managing the household. I am not concerned about what happens when he gets tired of my middle aged frumpiness and dumps me for a petite blonde because I trust him enough to know that won't happen, and if he drops dead and leaves me spouseless, he has a million$ life insurance policy. The real issues I have had with the feminists I have come across (and this is actually where I agree with you wholeheartedly) is the notion that Oh sure, I have CHOICES now, but only if my choice is the same as theirs, to go to work and earn an income, instead of choosing to "become incarcerated by marriage and children" I accept that some women really want and require the validation of earning a paycheck, and I do not fault them for that, unless they look down their well groomed noses at me, for choosing (and it was a CHOICE, not a command by the Patriarchy) to find my fulfillment at home.Reply -
2 replies, Last reply by Clare Macnaughton on Sun Feb 5, 2012 at 1:13 am
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Tue Jan 31, 2012 - 4:52 am
I wish I could have been a SAHM. And you're right about the male sex. They are definitely programmed differently.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Mummy Whisperer on Tue Jan 31, 2012 at 7:11 pm
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Mon Jan 30, 2012 - 4:24 pm
There are huge problems with society as it stands now. For some reason the SAHM does not really have any status in society because of course, she is not earning money. That is a real shame and needs to be addressed. I believe that the sexes started to become unequal after the dissolution of the agrarian society which evolved into an industrial one. Before that men and women shared the jobs. After industrialisation man went out to work in factories etc and what he produced was sold on as a commodity as part of the so called modernisation process. Inequalities between the sexes rest on the structure of capitalism which puts monetary value on mens and women's work, with women lagging far behind in what they are paid. Basicially the system is unworkable and I'm not sure what the solution is unless we all go back to farming!Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Mummy Whisperer on Tue Jan 31, 2012 at 7:09 pm
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