Jul 01

Note to self: procrastination station

Comments (22) by Julie Stamper July 01, 2013 - 6:02 AM

Note to self: honestly, you're starting to piss me off. The procrastination has gotten way out of hand. And blaming the kids? Not cool. Oh, you don't know what I mean? Let's talk.

First, the whole "I'm going to exercise more" situation. No one told you to run a marathon. No one said do a Gwyneth Paltrow colon blow cleanse. You promised yourself to start with just ten sit-ups and ten push-ups a day, because hey, that's do-able, right? Except that you never did start. Seriously, how hard is it to do ten sit-ups and ten push-ups? That takes, what, about 120 seconds, maximum? Your DOG does ten sit-ups and ten push-ups every day. Infants who can't hold up their own heads have a more intense workout than you. What are you going to do if you're lying on the floor and Channing Tatum walks in, and instead of sitting up and yelling "I'M HERE, CHANNING!" your wet spaghetti abs won't lift your trunk off the ground? Ten sit-ups, ten push-ups. As soon as you're done writing this post, okay?

Maybe before you get on the floor to do that modicum of exercise, you should vacuum. Otherwise, you'll end up with hair and baseball diamond sand and Pop-Tart crumbs all over your back. Remember last week how you had to do a quick faux surface clean because the exterminator was coming to take care of the ant problem in the kitchen that probably happened because you cut watermelon on the counter and no one adequately cleaned it up? And you wanted the exterminator to see the house looking clean so he wouldn't judge? And then he walked into your bedroom and thought "Holy shit, there is probably a colony under all of these dirty clothes"? Yeah. Let's maybe put a stop to all that and clean the house when you're done writing this post. Clean first, then exercise.

But before you clean you'll need to return all of the cans and bottles, because why clean if you have those all over the counter? Yes, the same ones that probably draw ants. There, with the three mini cans of Sprite, are six cases of beer bottles. If you'd just take the bottles back every week you wouldn't be the mom with a cart full of 143 beer bottles holding the hand of your fourth grader when the school counselor walks by and sadly smiles at you at the grocery store. Just take the bottles back RIGHT NOW.

Wait. There is just one more space for a bottle in the carrier. It's better to take an even number, and as long as you're making the trip, it should be full. You should drink a beer to fill that space. But now you shouldn't drive because you just had a beer. Just leave the cap on the counter, you can pick it up later. After the sit-ups.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow you are SO doing the sit-ups. And cleaning. And returning. Color me Scarlett, tomorrow is another day.

 

 

 

Julie Stamper aka Julie The Wife In The Powder RoomJulie the Wife has been ruining childhoods and burning dinners since 1997. She balances full-time work, full-time guilt, and full-time teen angst while barely servicing her long-suffering husband. She loves the hyphen (not to be confused with hymen). She blogs at A Day In the Wife, as well as on Twitter @juliethewife, Facebook at A Day In The Wife, and Pinterest at Julie TheWife. Please make a note of it.

 

 

by Julie Stamper July 01, 2013 - 6:02 AM

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    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Jul 2, 2013 - 12:33 pm
    Crying and laughing! Love this and you.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Julie Stamper on Tue Jul 2, 2013 at 7:55 pm
  • Report Tue Jul 2, 2013 - 7:55 pm
    @Jennifer Bilbro: Stop it. I love you more. Now get out there and lick a tulip.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Mon Jul 1, 2013 - 7:14 pm
    by  Allycat
    Isn't there a children's book with a mouse and a cookie like this?! Totally my life...
    Reply Delete
  • 3 replies, Last reply by Julie Stamper on Tue Jul 2, 2013 at 3:11 am
  • Report Mon Jul 1, 2013 - 8:06 pm
    @Allycat: If you give a procrastinator a cookie? Holy shit. I'm off to write that book RIGHT NOW. I can clean and exercise later.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Jul 2, 2013 - 3:08 am
    by  GrandeMocha
    @Julie Stamper: Million dollar idea!
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Jul 2, 2013 - 3:11 am
    @GrandeMocha: I'll get right on it...after I do ten sit ups.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Jul 2, 2013 - 3:07 am
    by  GrandeMocha
    We are SO alike! I have had this very conversation with myself.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Julie Stamper on Tue Jul 2, 2013 at 3:10 am
  • Report Tue Jul 2, 2013 - 3:10 am
    @GrandeMocha: I sometimes feel like I'm just a hamster on a wheel. A very slow and confused hamster.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Mon Jul 1, 2013 - 7:43 pm
    If I didn't have my, "Fiddle Dee Dee, I'll worry about that tomorrow!", I'd totally do it today. In 5 minutes. 10. Ok, no more than 15. BACK OFF, OK, it's 20!
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Julie Stamper on Mon Jul 1, 2013 at 8:09 pm
  • Report Mon Jul 1, 2013 - 8:09 pm
    @Bethany Thies: I DARE YOU to remind me when I said I'd do it. Really. Tell me to my face that you thought I was getting that done yesterday. Are you laughing? I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to fuckin' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? *they slowly back away, I grab cookies*
    Reply Delete
  • Report Mon Jul 1, 2013 - 2:19 pm
    I'm really good at justifications to put things off too. Funny post and sadly it rings true!
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Julie Stamper on Mon Jul 1, 2013 at 5:20 pm
  • Report Mon Jul 1, 2013 - 5:20 pm
    @Wordifull Melanie: Like how I'd rather answer comments on the post than get to the business of writing a new one.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Mon Jul 1, 2013 - 5:02 pm
    by  Jenn Rose
    I'm printing this and posting it on my fridge as a To Do list... tomorrow.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Julie Stamper on Mon Jul 1, 2013 at 5:19 pm
  • Report Mon Jul 1, 2013 - 5:19 pm
    @Jenn Rose: Honestly, Wednesday is a better day to think about tackling the To Do list.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Mon Jul 1, 2013 - 1:58 pm
    by  lhewitt
    Hey Julie, Yep. If I did all that, I couldn't read this, and I'd rather read. Laughing should count as an exercise.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Julie Stamper on Mon Jul 1, 2013 at 2:05 pm
  • Report Mon Jul 1, 2013 - 2:05 pm
    @lhewitt: EXACTLY. There will always be more dishes, but some good writing? A fun story? I'm a moth to flame...
    Reply Delete
  • Report Mon Jul 1, 2013 - 11:32 am
    Yes. This. The only time I ever really clean the house is 2 hours before my mother in law is due in. And then it's only the downstairs. Once,when I was very sick for a long time, Himself hired a pair of maids to do the floors and bathrooms, and I had to clean up first. Boy,he never let go of that one.
    Reply Delete
  • 2 replies, Last reply by rootietoot on Mon Jul 1, 2013 at 1:48 pm
  • Report Mon Jul 1, 2013 - 1:29 pm
    @rootietoot: I've actually stuck dirty dishes in the oven when my MIL is on the way over, forgotten them, and then remembered them only when I smelled burning crockery while pre-heating said oven. Classy.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Mon Jul 1, 2013 - 1:48 pm
    @Julie Stamper: I Febreeze the hell out of everything, due to egregious dogs. she says the house smells like Dog. Can't imagine why, there's only 7 of them (soon to be 4, the 3 horse-seized ones are going to a farm)
    Reply Delete
  • Report Mon Jul 1, 2013 - 6:12 am
    Julie, thanks a lot for your article!!! I am currently dealing with procrastination and I think it might be the real killer of your dreams!!!
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Julie Stamper on Mon Jul 1, 2013 at 1:34 pm
  • Report Mon Jul 1, 2013 - 1:34 pm
    @Mike Dernerk: "Killer of Dreams". That is an awesome title for a slasher flick about not getting things done.
    Reply Delete

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