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How to fight with your spouse
I have been married for eighteen years. That's right. Let that soak in. Eighteen years.
I like to think I know a thing or two about marriage.
But, after a recent
"disagreement" (see what I did there? I reframed our WW3 into a "disagreement")
I went looking for ammunition tools on how to better communicate my
feelings.
Imagine my surprise when I read things like "never use sarcasm" and "do not bring up old arguments!"
What the what? Sarcasm and grudge holding are my two finest skills!
Everywhere I looked, crap like this was getting rave reviews.
No wonder there are so many divorces.
I did find a few tips that I agreed with, however.
1. "Use the proper place." This is so important. I like to bring up stressful topics in the narthex at church, just before we enter the house of the Lord.
2. "Take breaks." Abso-freaking-lutely! Cocktail breaks are best.
3. "Use body language to express yourself." This has served me well. I can have an entire argument using only my body language skills.
Throwing arms in the air is code for "I give up. You were clearly dropped on your head as a child."
Cocking my head to the side and making a scrunched up, confused face is code for "That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard, including the time someone asked how to spell R2D2!"
4. "Use I' phrases." Well, duh. I want, I need, I said, I told you, I, I, I...
5. "Know your strengths." And, we're back to sarcasm and grudge holding.
Here are a few more rules that made me chuckle:
1. "One person at a time speaks, while the other person listens respectfully." Around here, we talk loudly and at the same time until someone wears down. On the rare occasion that I am quiet, I am eye rolling and sighing heavily.
2. "Keep your disagreements private." Sometimes, when I am pretending to "listen respectfully," I am really imaging how funny it is going to be when I tell my version to my gal pals!
3. "Hold hands during the discussion." Are you effing kidding me? Someone would be shouting "Uncle!"
4. "Don't blame others." There is no problem too great or too large that cannot be blamed on someone else!
5. "Always kiss and make up." Puh-lease. It ain't a Lifetime movie, yo'.
So...after eighteen years of
marriage, I can fight debate with the best of them.
We must be doing something right.
Because, we laugh and we tease and we fight and we move on. We bear witness for each other. Being married and raising a family is not for wussies.
Just when I think my eyes might roll out of my head, I see my husband romping with the kids, or making dinner or (holy sexy!) loading the dishwasher and it's all over.
Actions speak much louder than words.
Kerry is a recovering teacher who blogs
about life shenanigans, house crashing and house stalking at her
blog, HouseTalkN. Her mother threatens to read that blog so she writes about
things like 69, dildos, and her moral shortcomings at In The Powder Room.
Kerry likes to talk about herself in the third person. Kerry brings shame
to her family on a daily basis on Facebook and Twitter @HouseTalkN.
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Comments (12)
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Report Thu Feb 28, 2013 - 11:16 pmOhmigod, I was fairly certain that I was in love with you before, but now it's official. LOVE this!! People that ask if I'd rather be always right or always happy are clueless. Being right all the time MAKES me happy all the time, DER!Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by HouseTalkN on Sun Mar 3, 2013 at 5:07 am
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Sun Mar 3, 2013 - 12:39 am
So funny. I read those syrupy advice bombs and just know they are written by people who have not buckled down for the long haul. I'm looking at 20 years in June . . . with the SAME man no less. This had me snorting: "Don't blame others." There is no problem too great or too large that cannot be blamed on someone else!" EllenReply -
1 reply, Last reply by HouseTalkN on Sun Mar 3, 2013 at 5:06 am
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Report Wed Feb 27, 2013 - 11:05 pmIf I had to give up sarcasm and bringing up old grudges, I would just have to be rendered mute. Which I have no doubt my husband would greatly enjoy!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by HouseTalkN on Thu Feb 28, 2013 at 9:05 pm
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Thu Feb 28, 2013 - 12:46 am
This is perfection. I'm a master grudge holder, but my husband has the market cornered on sarcasm. I can't tell you how many times I've screeched to him during a fight, "DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT WAS PRODUCTIVE?!" after one of his notorious sarcastic digs. Asshat. But seriously, I've only been married seven years and I nearly drove my marriage into the ground a few years ago with my inability to let go of the little things. And marriage is nothing if not about letting go of the little things. So, I resolved to not be so nitpicky and, what do you know… it worked! I can be fuming mad, but if I just shut up and walk away, then chances are within a few hours we will have both calmed down and I'll see him doing something that reminds me of why I married him in the first place. And that while we're not perfect and we certainly have our issues, underneath it all, there is love. And that is our foundation.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by HouseTalkN on Thu Feb 28, 2013 at 9:04 pm
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Thu Feb 28, 2013 - 3:24 am
Love. And 19 here - some of our best disagreements are all body language. No words. That you can hear. >=)Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by HouseTalkN on Thu Feb 28, 2013 at 9:03 pm
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Wed Feb 27, 2013 - 6:42 pm
Hey Kerry, Love this - first official coke spit of the day. I might print it out and show hubs - just so we can get into an fight. Because we will. And we will make up.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by HouseTalkN on Wed Feb 27, 2013 at 8:29 pm
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