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Menstruation 101
by Considering a good percentage of the adult population is bleeding from their vagina about a quarter of the time, it's surprising how little menstruation features in films. I mean, I don't know about you but my periods are definitely full of Oscar-worthy drama. The first two days I get all Sissy Spacek at the end of Carrie and then the rest of the week my period's like that last Lord of the Rings film that goes on and on and on and just when I think it's over, it's fucking well not.
The day-to-day management of menstruation is also rarely photographed or painted, nor sung, written or even generally talked about. As a result, I've often ended up feeling like I'm the only person on the planet scrubbing bloodstains out of my undies in the bathroom sink while everyone else is out playing tennis in white shorts or romping on the beach in high-cut bikinis. Arseholes.
I'd therefore like to present for your consideration some ideas for ‘Menstruation 101', a real-to-life course about menstrual management (also known as ‘What I Wished I'd Been Told When I Was Thirteen'). The units of enquiry will include things like:
Tampon Handling: how to insert and remove a tampon without the bathroom ending up like the set of a 1970s slasher movie.
Wardrobe Administration: how to best collect and burn white or beige coloured items of clothing in your possession, particularly underpants.
Disposal Methods: how to discretely dispose of used tampons and menstrual pads in a way that won't psychologically scar your children for life.
Calendar Management: ways to effectively track your menstrual cycle so you will NEVER AGAIN schedule an event involving an unavoidable public appearance in your swimsuit on the first day of your period.
Improvisation Techniques: the artful use of clothing and other props (such as bags, newspapers and small children) to conceal minor leakage; also, toilet paper folding techniques for beginners.
Emergency Response Tactics: exploring the ethical, legal and practical considerations surrounding the removal, washing and drying of clothing in the disabled toilets or changing a tampon while stuck behind the driver's wheel in heavy traffic.
Night Time Strategies: how to find and maintain sleeping positions that minimise menstrual leakage, along with advanced techniques in completely changing your bedding without waking anyone else sleeping in the bed (please note that this employs a very similar technique used in removing a table cloth without first clearing the table).
... and that's just for starters. What else would you like to see included in this curriculum?
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Comments (38)
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Report Sat May 11, 2013 - 6:46 amgreat info to be had hereReply -
Report Mon Apr 29, 2013 - 7:58 pmThis is brilliant. I would love to know after the month is over on 'how it went?' BTW, I think, it will be phenomenal & the organization will gain huge insights. I am also curious if one month is going to be enough. But, even a month is better than none or just the usual day or two, that's more common :-)Reply
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Report Mon Mar 18, 2013 - 5:11 pmMensturation is rally a vital factor for any girl. Most of the girls arre so much shy to talk about this,that's ignorance is avaiable among the women about this.Reply
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Tue Jan 29, 2013 - 12:55 am
How to manage it when you are in your 40's and perimenopause has hit, resulting in irregularity with your cycle, and periods that last 10-12 days instead of 5.Reply -
11 replies, Last reply by Kim on Tue Feb 5, 2013 at 2:06 am
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Report Tue Jan 29, 2013 - 11:55 pmI keep track using Keri Smith's fun (?) calendar. She used to sell it, but it's not on her site anymore. I tweak it a little, though. Can be found here: http://www.cutoutandkeep.net/blog/period_chartReply
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Mon Jan 28, 2013 - 9:42 pm
I've never really had any issues with my period ever since my mom humiliated me into learning how to insert a tampon at the age of 15 with the phrase. "Good God, Kristin, if you claim a little cotton stick hurts, how do you ever plan to have a PENIS inside you?!" (Tough love and all.) Since that point, tampons have been my friend - night and day, at beach and at pool, in light clothing or dark. I would, however, love some tips on how to manage PMS that makes me feel like I'm dying. Drinking just isn't cutting it.Reply -
2 replies, Last reply by Brenda on Tue Jan 29, 2013 at 11:16 pm
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Report Tue Jan 29, 2013 - 11:14 pmHow about some info for men. I once had a guy ask me "Can't you just hold it like when you hold off going pee?" Seriously.Reply
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Report Tue Jan 29, 2013 - 10:17 pmOn my first day, my mother ran me to the local convenience store, you know, the store where all the old guys from the neighborhood stand around up front and bullshit about who knows what... like hemmorhoids or the dry weather. No clue why, but my mother thought it would be best to purchase me the monstrous pads with no adhesive and a horrendous garter-like belt thingy to hold the pad in the vague vicinity of my lady bits. Of course, as we approached the counter there were many old man eyes on me and grunts that sounded like "lookie here, we gots ourself another breeder!"Reply
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Report Tue Jan 29, 2013 - 10:03 pmWhat a relief to know others can relate. I swear I thought I was the "odd one". I loved the "Carrie" movie reference as I've used that one myself. The first two to three days of my period are insanely heavy with sizable clots involved. Clots DO NOT ABSORB in pads or tampons, rendering them not very helpful. I could rant for hours about the major PITA my periods are. I can really relate to the "nighttime strategies" and "improvisation techniques" categories.Reply
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Report Tue Jan 29, 2013 - 7:56 pmHow turning over in bed or getting up to use the loo in the middle of the night will make the blood flow out 100km/hr rendering your overnight pads (yes, padS) useless as you try to waddle to the bathroom. (add to that, of course, hitting your toe on the *&_)@! the vacuum cleaner you left in the middle of the hallway the night before, in a fit of PMS nesting).Reply
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Mon Jan 28, 2013 - 11:35 pm
How to purchase those nighttime maxipads that are long enough to cover your entire buttcrack and up to your navel with wings, without making the pharmacist think you wear adult diapers.Reply -
4 replies, Last reply by lara on Tue Jan 29, 2013 at 6:55 pm
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Report Tue Jan 29, 2013 - 1:33 pmMoisture Investigation: The "is it just arse sweat or am I bleeding through?" during period days while wearing pads on hot days. Subtle cleaning scenes: Having to try and get stains out of hostel or hotel bedding so they don't assume my husband murdered me or had just taken my virginityReply
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3 replies, Last reply by SLL on Tue Jan 29, 2013 at 4:34 pm
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Report Tue Jan 29, 2013 - 4:55 amHow to look people in the eye when you're buying tampons instead of wishing the ground would open up and swallow you. It's their problem is they find it gross/embarrassing etc. Tell them to get over it.Reply
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2 replies, Last reply by rootietoot on Tue Jan 29, 2013 at 4:20 pm
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Mon Jan 28, 2013 - 8:36 pm
How to smile politely and shrug as blood trickles down your leg in front of your co-workers because you didn't get to the bathroom in time.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by TheNDM on Tue Jan 29, 2013 at 6:38 am
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