Jan 14

I hate the sound of you eating

Comments (43) by TheNDM January 14, 2013 - 7:01 AM

Teenager standing next to me in a long queue cracking gum in my ear the entire time? I hate you.

Man with a popcorn bucket the size of a wheat silo sitting directly behind me and shoveling handfuls in his mouth at a constant rate for the duration of a three hour movie? I hate you.

Small child hoovering an icy pole at 220 air watts? I hate you, too.

I don't mean to hate any of you. I really don't. The warmer, fuzzier side of my personality, the liberal-thinking, more accepting part of me wishes you well in life. Truly. But if you are going to insist on eating nuts with your mouth open in a deadly quiet room while I'm trying to concentrate even on the smallest task, I'm sorry but I will want to slap you.

As long as I can remember, I've been afflicted with sound sensitivity, particularly with eating noises. I have changed seats a thousand times on the bus because someone was eating near me. I have watched a hundred films slumped in my seat so I can stick my fingers in my ears because someone was eating loudly behind me. I have cast a trillion dirty glances at the person at the next table in the restaurant slurping their soup.

The only way to describe how eating noises make me feel is that they hurt me. They feel like a cheese grater against my brain, fingernails on the chalkboard of my soul. They make me want to introduce the world to my very good friends Cagney (my right fist) and Lacey (my left fist). Of course, I know it's entirely unreasonable. When I'm able to stand back and look at it objectively, I can say to myself "It's just a noise! It's not going to kill me! This person has a right to eat!" but then the red mist descends nonetheless.

For many years, nobody knew about this "thing" of mine, save my family and maybe a one close friend. I was embarrassed about its irrationality and how little control I had over it. But then along came the magic of the Interwebs, to show me I am not on my own. A quick Google of the words "I hate eating noises" reveals that there are thousands, maybe millions, who also suffer from misophonia and share my desire to see the world fed by intravenous drip. Of course, that doesn't make the sound of someone smacking their lips any less annoying.

So the next time you're eating popcorn at the movies or chewing gum with your mouth open on the train and there's a middle-aged women glowering at you, I suggest you move away. You just might be about to meet some very good friends of hers...

by TheNDM January 14, 2013 - 7:01 AM

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  • Report Wed Jan 23, 2013 - 6:36 pm
    by  Lewlewlew
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  • Report Tue Jan 15, 2013 - 6:22 pm
    by  lhewitt
    Hey NDM, You know, of course, I have this problem also. Hypersensitive to all noise.(the noise of the computer is currently annoying me). I have tips - none legal or socially acceptable. I like that you names your fists.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by TheNDM on Wed Jan 16, 2013 at 11:14 am
  • Report Wed Jan 16, 2013 - 11:14 am
    by  TheNDM
    @lhewitt: My fists like that you have tips that neither legal or socially acceptable. I think we should get my fists and your tips together. Which kind of sounds ruder than intended.
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  • Report Tue Jan 15, 2013 - 5:29 am
    by  Karen
    My daughter and I are tormented with eating noises as well. Mine also includes sniffing and sighing. OMG. PLEASE STOP! My daughter hates teeth sucking as well. She has been known to glare at us during dinner, pick her plate up and take herself into the dining room. She will eat alone more often then not. I have a co-worker who I video taped with my facial expressions as she POUNDED THE COMPUTER KEYBOARD while simultaneously SIGHED AND SNUFFED. KILL ME NOW or better yet KILL HER NOW!!! I feel your pain. Oh how I do.
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  • 1 reply, Last reply by TheNDM on Tue Jan 15, 2013 at 11:29 am
  • Report Tue Jan 15, 2013 - 11:29 am
    by  TheNDM
    @Karen: Don't get me started on sniffing. I've often wondered about the etiquette of handing out Kleenex to strangers on public transport...
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Jan 15, 2013 - 12:16 am
    by  Michele
    Many years ago I tried to start a new movement of everyone eating in a room by themselves. The logic I tried to share was that 'If I'm not expected to experience the food exiting you, I shouldn't have to witness you eating it either.'
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by TheNDM on Tue Jan 15, 2013 at 11:29 am
  • Report Tue Jan 15, 2013 - 11:29 am
    by  TheNDM
    @Michele: That's my kind of logic.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Mon Jan 14, 2013 - 5:04 pm
    by  Magic Mike
    The same divorced friend of KC witnessed an event on a bus that serves as good tactic to employ. Two people sat side by side, one person takes out takeaway meal and begins to loudly eat, other person looks at them in disgust and shouts very loudly "STINKS!" in a mad person voice. Other person moves sheepishly to a different seat. Try it next time tell us if it works.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by TheNDM on Tue Jan 15, 2013 at 11:28 am
  • Report Tue Jan 15, 2013 - 11:28 am
    by  TheNDM
    @Magic Mike: I know that you know that I specialise in the 'mad person voice', also known as the 'crazybitch voice'.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Mon Jan 14, 2013 - 1:48 pm
    by  Angela
    I'm about ready to banish my 4-year-old from the room when she's eating, she's driving me bananas with the smacking and crunching and then trying to slurp the food stuck in her teeth.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by TheNDM on Mon Jan 14, 2013 at 3:07 pm
  • Report Mon Jan 14, 2013 - 3:07 pm
    by  TheNDM
    @Angela: The only good thing about your own children eating with their mouth open is that you are within your rights to ask them to stop. Other people's children eating is hell.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Mon Jan 14, 2013 - 2:14 pm
    by  KC
    A friend brought her new husband to meet me once. He slurped and guzzled and lip-smacked his way through a dinner from hell. It was an enormous relief for me and our future social get-togethers when they got a divorce several years later.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by TheNDM on Mon Jan 14, 2013 at 3:07 pm
  • Report Mon Jan 14, 2013 - 3:07 pm
    by  TheNDM
    @KC: And people say divorce is a bad thing.
    Reply Delete

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