Dec 10

Santa's bitch

Comments (14) by TheNDM December 10, 2012 - 7:01 AM

I'm sick of being Santa's bitch. I'm sick of lying for him. I'm sick of trying to explain away the inherent inconsistencies in his annual giving program. I'm sick of him getting all the glory when I'm doing all the hard grunt.

Here are two conversations I recently had with my kids:

CONVERSATION ONE:

DAUGHTER: Mum, you know how you promised you'd always tell me the truth if I asked you a question?

ME: Um, yes. I did say that, didn't I?

DAUGHTER: Yes, you did. (Looks me square in the eyes in that kind of way that makes me think she's looking straight into my soul:) Is Santa real?

ME: Yes. Yes, he is... ‘real'. (Unspoken legal disclaimer: "Yes, Santa is ‘real' in that he is an actual entity, represented throughout the last century in films, books and songs and by out of work actors in shopping malls").

DAUGHTER: And it's not you that puts the presents in the stocking, is it?

ME: No. No, it's not ‘me' who puts the presents in the stockings. (Unspoken legal disclaimer: "Considering the fact I'm usually off-my-tits-drunk on eggnog when I fill the stockings on Christmas Eve, I could argue that, technically, I am not entirely ‘myself'.")

DAUGHTER: Good.

ME: Yeah, good. Really really good.

CONVERSATION TWO:

ELDEST SON: Can you buy me the Harry Potter Diagon Alley Lego set with a recommended retail price of $250 for Christmas?

ME: (outraged) No! That's far too expensive! Shuh!

ELDEST SON: What if you buy it for all three of us?

ME: It would mean you would all just have one single present to open at Christmas time. And a tree with only one present is a sad tree. Think of the tree.

DAUGHTER: (reassuringly) It's okay. I've put it on my Christmas list. Santa will get it for us.

YOUNGEST SON: Yay!!!

ME: What?? Santa doesn't buy those big ticket items! No, no, no, no. Santa buys small but charming stocking fillers! Lollipops! Plastic nicknacks and whatnots!

ELDEST SON: Then how come Santa bought James D. a Nintendo DS and Abby a Wii?

DAUGHTER: Yeah! How come?

ME: Um.... that's because Santa is means-tested.

DAUGHTER: Means-tested? What does that mean?

ME: It means Santa looks at the overall income of the household to decide the value of the presents he gives the kids.

ELDEST SON: So if Santa gets us small presents that must mean you earn enough money to buy us the Harry Potter Diagon Alley Lego set.

DAUGHTER: Yay!!

YOUNGEST SON: Yay!!!

ME: Yay!!!! (Mutters under breath:) Santa, you're a fat fuck.

Based on these two conversations alone, it's easy to see how Ebenezer Scrooge got all bah-humbuggy. He was sick of being Santa's bitch, too.

by TheNDM December 10, 2012 - 7:01 AM


Comments (14)

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    Reply Delete
  • Report Sun Feb 3, 2013 - 3:18 am
    by  Tenegro
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    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Dec 11, 2012 - 1:16 pm
    This was too funny. I loved it.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by TheNDM on Fri Dec 14, 2012 at 6:37 pm
  • Report Fri Dec 14, 2012 - 6:37 pm
    by  TheNDM
    @Janie Emaus: Why, you're welcome, Ms Emaus!
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Dec 11, 2012 - 6:29 pm
    by  lhewitt
    Hey NDM, The children are on to you! Tell them you talked to Santa and he heard these conversations and will gift accordingly. Be vauge, very vauge.;)
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by TheNDM on Fri Dec 14, 2012 at 6:37 pm
  • Report Fri Dec 14, 2012 - 6:37 pm
    by  TheNDM
    @lhewitt: Unfortunately, with children like mine who seem perpetually poised to take formal legal action against me, vagueness just gives them more scope to misinterpret me...
    Reply Delete
  • Report Wed Dec 12, 2012 - 5:16 pm
    by  Maz
    I've told the kids for years that Santa brings the presents but he sends me the bill. Prompted by "Mum, why do poor kids need toys donated to them? Does Santa not give them presents too?"
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by TheNDM on Thu Dec 13, 2012 at 7:22 am
  • Report Thu Dec 13, 2012 - 7:22 am
    by  TheNDM
    @Maz: Brilliant. Can I hire you as a consultant for toothfairy rate negotiations?
    Reply Delete
  • Report Mon Dec 10, 2012 - 2:51 pm
    I have a toddler. We are just at the "if you don't do everything I say for the next 3 weeks Santa won't bring you presents" stage. She's not buying it either.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by TheNDM on Tue Dec 11, 2012 at 5:42 am
  • Report Tue Dec 11, 2012 - 5:42 am
    by  TheNDM
    @RHONDA LOUISE: You've got to hand it to toddlers, really - they don't let themselves be anybody's bitch, really.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Dec 11, 2012 - 12:23 am
    by  Sarah Nava
    I have been feeling the same way!! I want those excited hugs and all the glory on Christmas morning damn it!! BUT I think back to my childhood and remember how exciting it was on Christmas Eve. Trying to stay awake to hear Santa filling your house with cheer and then waking up in the morning to realize you had fallen asleep. Running downstairs to see what all had appeared. I'm forced to admit if Christmas lost the magic of Santa it wouldn't be nearly as exciting. So, just tell your kids they don't get those big ticket items because they weren't good enough! Maybe they just need to help out more around the house. ;) Lol.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by TheNDM on Tue Dec 11, 2012 at 5:36 am
  • Report Tue Dec 11, 2012 - 5:36 am
    by  TheNDM
    @Sarah Nava: Another thing to be cross with Santa about - he's giving my children a life-long complex about 'not being good enough'. Naughty or nice. Shuh! (Good thinking, though)
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Dec 11, 2012 - 3:17 am
    by  Magic Mike
    Stupid means-tested Santa. It's a legal minefield.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by TheNDM on Tue Dec 11, 2012 at 4:51 am
  • Report Tue Dec 11, 2012 - 4:51 am
    by  TheNDM
    @Magic Mike: True. I just hope you realise your comment here is admissible to a court of law.
    Reply Delete

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