In The Powder Room

Nov 26

My five fantasy washing machine settings

Comments (11) by TheNDM November 26, 2012 - 7:02 AM

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Laundry is one of those ongoing tasks that makes me want to lobby the government for an annual National Nude Week just to give myself a goddamn break.

Sometimes, I like to sit back and imagine the perfect washing machine and the kind of settings it might have to make my life easier. Okay, so I don't ever sit back and imagine the perfect washing machine - that would be, like, a waste of perfectly good drinking time - but now that you ask, here are some of the settings my perfect washing machine would have. You did ask, right?

Setting 1: SCHOOL UNIFORM - Take ordinary stubborn stains, feed them to a mule and then get that mule to kick the shit out of you and that's the kind of stains I'm talking about here. Nobody knows what those kids do at school all day to get their uniforms in that state but I can say this much: that shit ain't coming out without a fight.

Setting 2: TISSUE - This setting ensures that the used tissue inevitably included with every load is evenly distributed over all clothing creating a thin film that makes you look like you've just been birthed by an alien - as opposed to gathering in unsightly clumps around the crotch area of your favourite black trousers. I know which one I'd prefer.

Setting 3: SECOND CHANCE - This is the setting you use when you go to put on a wash and discover the last load you did still languishing in the machine five days, unhung, damp and smelling like an old man's feet.

Setting 4: CSI - This setting identifies mystery stains and locates missing socks.

Setting 5: MARGARITA - Once it initially blends the fruit, tequila and ice, this setting then keeps the drum turning so that the consistency and texture are right for the next forty glasses.

And that's just for starters... Yes, I'm an ideas person. And yes, leading washing machine manufacturers of the world, you're welcome.

by TheNDM November 26, 2012 - 7:02 AM

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Comments (11)

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  Report Fri Mar 15, 2013 - 10:54 am

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  Report Tue Nov 27, 2012 - 8:04 pm

  by  lhewitt

  Hey NDM, I would buy that. And that dryer. Once, a million years ago when I was younger, we did indeed use the washer to store adult beverages.

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by TheNDM on Thu Nov 29, 2012 at 2:52 pm
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  Report Thu Nov 29, 2012 - 2:52 pm

  by  TheNDM

  @lhewitt: I'll put you down for the first one off the production line. There'll be margaritas at the product launch. Of course.

  Reply Delete
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  Report Mon Nov 26, 2012 - 2:03 pm

  by  MGK

  Gold! No high vibration setting? I'm disappointed NDM.

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• 2 replies, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Nov 27, 2012 at 7:54 pm
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  Report Tue Nov 27, 2012 - 2:39 am

  by  TheNDM

  @MGK: Wait 'til you hear my idea for a vibrator that folds and puts away the laundry!

  Reply Delete
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  Report Tue Nov 27, 2012 - 7:54 pm

  by  The Bearded Iris

  @TheNDM: Yes please.

  Reply Delete
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  Report Tue Nov 27, 2012 - 4:19 pm

  by  rootietoot

  Margarita setting sounds perfect! Also, a long time ago I discovered that Puffs Plus brand tissues actually come out from the wash unscathed. It's like washing a cloth handkerchief. Next up: a dryer with a Fold setting.

  Reply Delete
• 2 replies, Last reply by rootietoot on Tue Nov 27, 2012 at 6:10 pm
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  Report Tue Nov 27, 2012 - 5:29 pm

  by  TheNDM

  @rootietoot: So... in a post-apolyptic world, the cockroaches will obviously be partying with the Puffs Plus brand tissues, right?

  Reply Delete
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  Report Tue Nov 27, 2012 - 6:10 pm

  by  rootietoot

  @TheNDM: exactly, and eating the few Twinkies that are hidden in my brother-in-law's basement.

  Reply Delete
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  Report Tue Nov 27, 2012 - 1:30 pm

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• 1 reply, Last reply by TheNDM on Tue Nov 27, 2012 at 5:29 pm
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  Report Tue Nov 27, 2012 - 5:29 pm

  by  TheNDM

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