My five fantasy washing machine settings
Laundry is one of those ongoing tasks that makes me want to lobby the government for an annual National Nude Week just to give myself a goddamn break.
Sometimes, I like to sit back and imagine the perfect washing machine and the kind of settings it might have to make my life easier. Okay, so I don't ever sit back and imagine the perfect washing machine - that would be, like, a waste of perfectly good drinking time - but now that you ask, here are some of the settings my perfect washing machine would have. You did ask, right?
Setting 1: SCHOOL UNIFORM - Take ordinary stubborn stains, feed them to a mule and then get that mule to kick the shit out of you and that's the kind of stains I'm talking about here. Nobody knows what those kids do at school all day to get their uniforms in that state but I can say this much: that shit ain't coming out without a fight.
Setting 2: TISSUE - This setting ensures that the used tissue inevitably included with every load is evenly distributed over all clothing creating a thin film that makes you look like you've just been birthed by an alien - as opposed to gathering in unsightly clumps around the crotch area of your favourite black trousers. I know which one I'd prefer.
Setting 3: SECOND CHANCE - This is the setting you use when you go to put on a wash and discover the last load you did still languishing in the machine five days, unhung, damp and smelling like an old man's feet.
Setting 4: CSI - This setting identifies mystery stains and locates missing socks.
Setting 5: MARGARITA - Once it initially blends the fruit, tequila and ice, this setting then keeps the drum turning so that the consistency and texture are right for the next forty glasses.
And that's just for starters... Yes, I'm an ideas person. And yes, leading washing machine manufacturers of the world, you're welcome.